Free Articles

Are you in relationship with an addict?  Are you a recovering addict trying to get back into a relationship?  Watch us talking with Andrew and Judah at Klean Radio about addiction and relationship:

 

The one thing we all desire is love.  And not just any love, what we truly desire is to be loved for who we really are; to share our life with someone and to feel acceptance from a man who is committed to you.   And yet so many of us struggle to fulfill this desire.

What keeps us from having something that is so important to our happiness?  Usually it’s our behavior that is in conflict with our desire for love.  In order to understand why our true desire is so often sabotaged by our behavior, we have to understand where our behavior comes from.

Upwards of 90% of our behavior is generated from our subconscious mind and our subconscious is responding to our present through the lens of our PAST experiences.  This is why it is so easy to recreate the same experiences over and over and over again.  We learn a strategy for dealing with a situation early on in life and our subconscious applies that strategy to similar situations in the present.  

If our past is filled with heartache because we were betrayed, it’s very easy to attract betrayal yet again.

We hear you, this doesn’t sound like good news. . .

However, once we understand a few things about our hard wiring, we can then focus to create the outcome of our desire – which in this case is LOVE (it will work with anything else that you desire too).

Our ego is committed to Homeostasis – now for those you who either slept through, or ditched science class – homeostasis is the state of keeping things the SAME!  Homeostasis is what keeps your body at a certain temperature, your blood pressure and body temperature within a narrow range, and your behavior consistent from one day to the next.

That’s right, our ego, and every other part of us is committed to keeping things exactly as they are.

Why?

Because right now you are ALIVE.  

Now you may be alive, but you may not be happy, or feeling cared for, or loved. . . and quite frankly your ego doesn’t care.  

Like Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind, should you be able to have a conversation about all this love that you desire would tell you “Frankly, I don’t give a damn!”

Being alive is the priority of our ego and our entire body.  

In order to have LOVE – true soul partnership love – we must be committed to THRIVE!

One way that your ego may sabotage your heart is by convincing you that love must come from ONE person.   No one else can make you feel the way he did.  No one else will treat you the way he did.  These are all lies of the ego.

The Truth is that love is limitless with limitless expressions.  You can choose to create love with any person.  You can choose to feel loved at any moment.  Only our ego stands in the way of love and we look for love in limited ways.

The ego tells you HOW love is supposed to show up in your life.  Your man may show he loves you rather then tell you – and if you are upset that you’re not hearing it, that simply keeps you from experiencing the love he is SHOWING you.  

Our ego also has the need to be right.  Being right and feeling loved are not connected in any way.  When we get stuck in needing to be right in relationship, we fail to see the love that is available to us in the moment.   

Love comes from connection and intimacy and does not require agreement.  

Your ego may also be blocking love because it is holding onto anger and resentment from the past.  Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  Resentment only harms you and your well-being.  

The way out of resentment is to practice forgiveness.  Forgiveness for self and others is a loving act that only attracts more love into your life.  

Become aware of how your ego is getting in the way of you creating love in your life.  By letting spirit be your guide, you can release old patterns and move into limitless love.

When we are in a committed relationship there will be high times and low times, good times and bad.  The idea is to weather the storm – TOGETHER!

The best course of action is to leave space for your partner to feel whatever they may be feeling.  Often we may desire for things to be different.  We wish our partner would forgive our mistakes.  Or we wish we could forgive more quickly and no longer feel anger.  However, leaving space for what is allows for the feelings and the situation to breath.

This doesn’t mean to leave the room, or check out.  It means to allow your partner to feel and express their feelings without taking them personally, or allowing ourselves to be triggered into a defensive stance.

Intimacy does not require agreement.  What we want most of all is to feel heard, seen and loved – and agreement is simply not part of that equation.  Agreement is often an ego desire to get your partner to see your point of view.  Needing agreement in this way can continue to push your partner away and blocking the intimacy that we truly desire.

Every couple will have their disagreements, and arguments, that is normal and part of relating to one another. Its in HOW you have those disagreements and arguments that makes for a lasting loving partnership.

Next time there’s a disagreement in your relationship take a deep breath and simply open the space to really listen to your partner.  What is he saying, exactly?

We know that if we catch ourselves formulating a reply in our mind, then we are not really listening – so be sure to set aside that desire to prepare and step into a receptive place of hearing without judgment or criticism.  

We find it helpful to take turns speaking until the person who is talking says the words, “I’m done.”   It is important to resist the urge to interrupt, defend, or explain.  Just allow each other to say what needs to be said and give the space to listen and hear what is going on with your partner.

If you’ve had a doozey of a fight and things got heated, that’s okay.  Once tempers calm down then propose the opportunity to really talk and utilize the “I’m done” strategy.  

On very rare occasions emotions may take a few days to really come fully to the surface.  Or we may need some time to simply process how we are feeling so we can communicate effectively.  

If you’ve been truly hurt or disappointed – and rightly so – anger may rise to the surface.  Rather then suppress the anger – allow yourself to express it.  Communicate with your partner the need to express.

If you are the one on the receiving end, and did the disappointing (we’ve all been there) simply give your partner the space to express their full range of emotions.  Watch that you don’t project your anger with yourself onto your partner.  

We energetically give permission to one another all the time.  Make it okay for your partner to be sad, hurt, angry – any emotion that is coming up for them is the appropriate emotion.

When we let our defenses down, we can let love in.  Our hearts were not designed to work in stealth mode.  Speaking how we feel is how we create intimacy.  

The next time you have an argument, give yourself and your partner the space to feel your feelings.  It will go a long way towards creating deeper intimacy in your relationship.

Loving someone is in our behavior.  Simply giving your partner the permission to express their feelings is a huge act of love.

Your Man Is Looking at PORN – Is It Over?

Its not just out there. .  its EVERYWHERE!  From a snapshot of a young ingénue’s snatch as she gets out of a limo, to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by PORN.  Additionally, on the Internet most of it is not only easily accessible it’s FREE! 
 
It’s no wonder there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn addiction.  But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem?  Does it mean that he doesn’t love you or is being unfaithful?  Is there room for porn in your relationship?

What happens when you discover your partner is viewing porn?  Maybe you feel something is wrong with you, or that something is missing in your relationship.  You might begin to question your own attractiveness, or your partner’s level of attraction to you.  

This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence.  Is he thinking about younger, prettier women?  

Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation.

You may wonder, “How can my man look at nude and erotic pictures of other women and still be faithful to me?”  It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you, and to get to the root of what you are feeling.  

One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men are stimulated and the way women are.  

With men sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart.  In essence it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal – neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged.  

When women view porn, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite her desire for fantasy.  Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal!  

We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn and she really felt betrayed.  She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful.  She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings.  How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?

We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress.  For her, it was her own insecurity.  Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings.  Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically.   

Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay.  It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it gave a “WOW! Factor” to their imagination and role-play and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy.  

If your desire is to have a true soul partnership, then no subject is “taboo” to discuss.  When fear shows up within a partnership, walking through that paper tiger of fear and communicating will create deeper intimacy every single time.

If you know your partner is looking at porn, and this brings up negative emotions for you here’s what we’d like you to do:

*Don’t put your head in the sand and ignore the issue.  Ignoring how you feel about the issue will only breed resentment.  You cannot be in a committed relationship and not be able to express how you feel about what is going on in the relationship.  That resentment will build up over time and could doom the relationship.

*Be sure to communicate your feelings to your partner without blame.  Attacking or blaming language will only shut him down.  Follow the template below when communicating with him about this issue.

*Find out from your partner about what he likes about looking at porn.  Maybe that can give you an idea about what, if anything may be missing from your sexual relationship.  

*Know that what you’re feeling is about you, not about your partner.  

Just because your man is looking at porn doesn’t mean that your relationship is over or even that you have a problem in your relationship.  However, it is imperative to the health of your relationship to address your feelings with your man so that you are both on the same page.

Porn can be addictive and there are many great resources to help someone who may have this problem.  To determine if your man has a real problem with porn, please read the post Does Your Man Have A Porn Addiction?

To really make this advice work, follow these action steps.

Right now, we want you to:

Take a few deep breaths.  Put your feet flat on the floor and uncross your arms.  Get in your body and get in touch with your feelings.  

Finish these sentences:
1.   When I think of him looking at porn I feel _____________.
2.   When I think of looking at porn with him, I feel ______________.
3.   I rate my sexiness at a level (1-10) __________.

The first feeling to come to mind is the right answer.  Do not think too much about it.  Be sure you have a feeling statement – rather than a thought.  

Within 7 days we want you to:

Own your feelings and communicate with your partner by utilizing this template:

I feel ____________.
When you _________.
Can we please. . . .     OR  Would you please. . .

For example:

I feel insecure when you look at porn.  Would you please explain to me what is appealing to you about it?

Continue the conversation with feeling statements.  Always beginning with, “I feel _____________.”

This template allows you to own your feelings without attacking or blaming him.  What you feel is about you, not about him.  Remember no one actually “makes” you feel anything.  Our feelings are signals to let us know that there is something in this situation we need to pay attention to.  

Know that he may or may not respond positively to this exchange.  That is not your responsibility.  Your job is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate it.

By the end of 30 days we want you to:

Reflect how these conversations have created deeper intimacy between you and your partner; therefore creating a stronger a bond and a healthier, happier sex life.  See if you can allow room for porn in your sex life – either for him alone, or for the two of you together.  If not, reflect on how to respectfully make that request of your partner.  It is important to know what you require in relationship, and not to sacrifice your needs.  Being able to communicate what you desire and require are key to creating longevity in your intimate relationship. 

5 Steps to Manifesting Your Soul Mate

If you desire true soul partnership, there is a clear path to finding that special person.  Follow this blueprint and you will surely find love:

1.   Let go of the past.  

Forgive yourself, forgive the other people who have betrayed, abandoned, and disappointed you.  Discover what the lesson was for you to learn, be grateful to have that knowledge and experience and move on!  When we are focused on past hurts and disappointments then we are choosing our current mates based on what we don’t want.  Your last boyfriend cheated?  You better make sure the next one is honest and faithful.  This way of thinking will keep you in that old pattern.  Learn from the past, forgive and move on.  Finding your soul mate is about what your heart truly desires.

2.  Treat yourself how you wish to be treated.  

There is no wiggle room here.  If what you desire is respectful love, then you must be giving that love to yourself.  Embrace all the parts of you – the good, the bad, and even the ugly.  You must be willing to give yourself the same love and acceptance that you are looking for in your mate. When you embrace this then you become available for the love you most desire.  This also means that you live your life the same way you would if you already had what you desired.  So many people put off living fully until the right conditions are in place.  Besides, living your life this way will most likely put you in places where you will meet that person who shares your likes, interests, lifestyle, etc.

3.  Be committed to your personal and spiritual growth.  

Whatever your spiritual path may be, commit to it fully.  This is your path to wholeness.  Only by becoming whole yourself will you attract another whole person.  In relationship, water seeks its own level – if you want a Soul Mate, do the work to move forward on your journey and you will surely meet your partner along the way.

4.  Make a list of qualities that you want your partner to have.  

Be very specific.  Focus on values, personality traits and internal qualities, not on physical traits or external qualities.  If it is important that your soul mate be successful, then focus on the qualities that made him that way, not the amount of money he makes.  You want to focus on who he is, not what he does or looks like.  Then go through the list and ask yourself: - “Do I hold/have this quality? If not, how can you cultivate it?  Then start cultivating those qualities.  Be the person you are seeking to be with.  This is not about him completing you.  One plus one does not equal one. You are complete and whole within yourself.

5.   Do not settle!

It is possible for you to have everything you want in relationship.  If what you desire is a true soul partnership then the Law of Polarity says that you would not have the desire if it wasn’t possible for that desire to be fulfilled.  Keep your eye on the prize!  When you waste time with someone who is not what you truly desire, then you are telling the universe that you don’t really want a soul mate.  You are telling the universe that you don’t deserve a soul mate.  And you are cheating yourself and the man you are with.  Stop wasting time with good enough, and go for what is in your heart’s desire!

Emotions Compound!

Its true, when we feel grief, we feel ALL the losses we’ve had.

When we are betrayed we feel ALL of our betrayals.  It is so important to have clear communication with your partner and not let things build up.

Whomever you are dealing with in the moment is NOT responsible for ALL the betrayals, ALL the times you’ve been angry about ______________. 

You see your subconscious mind stores similar experiences in the same way.  So when you feel grief or anger your subconscious brings up the same program from the past about grief or anger.

Your subconscious not only controls those emotional reactions, it also controls approximately 88-90% of all of your behavior.  Not just the habitual things like how you drive a car or how you brush your teeth.  It also controls any behavior that you don’t make a conscious choice about.  That includes your emotions (when was the last time you CHOSE to get angry).

Have you ever said to someone, “You sound just like my mother when you say that!”  Well, guess what that person isn’t your mother and isn’t trying to treat you like your mother, they are just communicating the way they know how.

YOU are the one who is seeing the similarity in the experience and therefore the issue is yours not your partners (You can watch our video below about how to communicate to your partner when that happens).

So, remember to communicate your emotions as you feel them.  And that way you can avoid the big blowups and develop real lasting intimacy with your partner.