Free Articles

Are you in relationship with an addict?  Are you a recovering addict trying to get back into a relationship?  Watch us talking with Andrew and Judah at Klean Radio about addiction and relationship:

 

Dating, Dialog and Discovery!

I find it interesting how much effort and energy is often put into “where to meet people” when we’re single.  I have found with my clients. as well as from my own personal experience, its not about WHERE you are, but more about WHO you are being.

Dating is important for one reason that most people overlook – PRACTICE!

In order to change the patterns that you’ve been living over and over again in relationship its imperative for us to practice that new way of being in the world.

When I was internet-dating I had set one clear intention – to discover things about myself.  

If I met someone I was interested in, then that would be icing on the cake.  My clear goal was to pay attention to who I was being.  How was I different when I was meeting with someone I was attracted to, versus someone with whom I had no spark?  How did the presence or lack of that spark shift my internal dialog?

Often times with our clients the desire to find “the one” by internet-dating comes up again and again, and we respond “Its just practice!”  (This is true whether the dates come from the internet, or in “regular” life.)

Take that in.  

If it is truly just practice, then how would that change your relationship with you?  

Ultimately you cannot say or do the “wrong” thing with the Right Person.

When we desire love, we look for it outside of ourselves, yet it must be INSIDE us in order for it to be mirrored back to us.

Years ago, I married myself.  I went down to Venice Beach and bought a plain solid silver band, went out to the beach and promised to Love, Honor and Cherish ME!  It was incredibly fulfilling and nurturing.  Each time I looked at that band, or felt it on my finger, it was a constant reminder of that promise to myself.  

Nurturing yourself during the search for love is NOT optional.  

If you are truly in a place where you really don’t get out to meet new people, that’s okay.  Practice with the people in your life; friends, family, and co-workers.  Start to pay attention to what you would like to shift and then practice.  Do you judge?  Do you get angry?  Do you run through what may happen later in the day while you take your morning shower – only to realize that the dialog you’re having is not the one you want, but the one you fear?  

The real KEY to shifting on the inside is to pay attention to what you are saying to yourself about yourself.  Notice the negative dialog and change it to positive comments that you believe.  Pay attention to your inner dialog the way a marathon runner pays attention to their pace.

Discover what you would like to be saying to yourself and say that instead.

Emotions Compound!

Its true, when we feel grief, we feel ALL the losses we’ve had.

When we are betrayed we feel ALL of our betrayals.  It is so important to have clear communication with your partner and not let things build up.

Whomever you are dealing with in the moment is NOT responsible for ALL the betrayals, ALL the times you’ve been angry about ______________. 

You see your subconscious mind stores similar experiences in the same way.  So when you feel grief or anger your subconscious brings up the same program from the past about grief or anger.

Your subconscious not only controls those emotional reactions, it also controls approximately 88-90% of all of your behavior.  Not just the habitual things like how you drive a car or how you brush your teeth.  It also controls any behavior that you don’t make a conscious choice about.  That includes your emotions (when was the last time you CHOSE to get angry).

Have you ever said to someone, “You sound just like my mother when you say that!”  Well, guess what that person isn’t your mother and isn’t trying to treat you like your mother, they are just communicating the way they know how.

YOU are the one who is seeing the similarity in the experience and therefore the issue is yours not your partners (You can watch our video below about how to communicate to your partner when that happens).

So, remember to communicate your emotions as you feel them.  And that way you can avoid the big blowups and develop real lasting intimacy with your partner.