Free Articles

Are you in relationship with an addict?  Are you a recovering addict trying to get back into a relationship?  Watch us talking with Andrew and Judah at Klean Radio about addiction and relationship:

 

Are You Stuck in the “Lie” of Love?

At some point every single one of us has been caught in the “LIE” of LOVE.

The lie of love that says we can only have love with this one person.  The lie of love that fears we can only receive love in this one way.  The lie of love that says we will never feel “this way” with another person.

It is easy to get stuck on the details of the past.  We all spend time revisiting the loving memories and the heartbreaks of old relationships.  What we forget is that our memories are malleable.  They change with time.  We recreate them and alter them every time we revisit them.   The more we nurture these memories, the more we get attached to the lie.

This lie of love keeps us stuck in the past.  It keeps us stuck in our pain and heartbreak.  It keeps us from being able to receive love from anyone else.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the lie of love is an illusion.  We decide that love has to exist in our life exactly the way we want it.  Our love has to arrive on our time schedule or else it is not love.  Our love has to make us feel a certain way or else it is not love. Our lover has to express their love in a specific way to us or else it is not love.

This is the path to disappointment, pain and loneliness.  And this path is perpetuated in literature, on TV, and in movies.  The Truth of love is so much more freeing – it is easier and allows us to receive what we truly desire.  When we step into the Truth then we become the Master of Love!

What if we could be free from that lie and step into the TRUTH of LOVE?

The Truth of love is that love is everywhere.  Love is created by you.  No one can give you love, because it is always yours to have.  Love has limitless expressions.

We’re not referring to some abstract idea of love.  We mean feeling loved each and every day.  Receiving that love from your soul mate, and giving that love in return.  

The Truth of love is that love is your birthright.  You were born perfect and whole.  You simply have forgotten that Truth in the pain of experience, so you’ve been trying to become whole again through another person.  You’ve been trying to feel complete through another person.

The only person who can complete you is you.  And the way to do that is to realize that there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not broken.  You don’t need to be fixed.  The truth of love is found in self-acceptance.  Shining the light of love on those dark places inside of us.

It is time to change our relationship to those old memories so we can release ourselves from the lie.  Look for the golden nugget in each past relationship.  There is a gift for you to take away from your heartaches.  Finding that gift allows you to grow and your love for self to expand.  

Examine the ways in which you reject yourself.  How often do you negate or reject your feelings by not expressing them?  Maybe you hold back your true self and present a version of yourself that you believe will be more likeable or acceptable.  You will not be loved for who you are until you start loving yourself for who you are.

When you learn to love yourself then love is available to you in each and every moment, and you can create love in your life under any circumstances, then you can experience the Truth - Love is inside of you and limitless.

When we get stuck thinking that LOVE is in the details – we set ourselves up for disappointment. We enter a relationship with hope – and that hope is the last thing to go.  Only by releasing that hope (the hope that says love can only be fulfilled by this one person, at this time, and in this one way) can we open up to all the possibilities that love has to offer us.  

What if every time your heart broke, it actually expanded and allowed room for more love to enter?  When we release the lie, we welcome all our experiences as an opportunity to love ourselves more deeply.  When we experience Love from inside of us, then and only then is it reflected back to us through the eyes of our Beloved. 

Here’s a question from Shatz that we feel is so common that we’d like to start a discussion around it…

“Hi first let me say, I love your articles and I use your suggestions an awful lot:)
I just wanted to know one thing I read your article this morning and it was me totally because, I have had very unhealthy relationships in the past. physically,mentally, verbally, sexually abused I work on all of this everyday and try my best to not get triggered when my boyfriend has nothing to do with any of this, He is the most healthiest relationship we have both ever had..But I do get triggered and I remember one time he said, I am not I'll use bob that floored me..I took a step back hurt somewhat and he was right that was a trigger of my past. my question is how do i communicate that with him? I know its not my past relationship but being hurt with words so many times I just can't seem to help my self...please help”

Here’s our answer:

We are thrilled to hear that you are using our tools and that you are in a healthy relationship currently. All of us have past experiences that affect our behavior.  This is such a powerful question because HOW do we separate what is happening NOW vs. what occurred in the PAST.

It is important to communicate how you feel in the moment by following our template:

I feel ___________.
When you _____________.
Can we please ______________?

When you are triggered in the moment, take a deep breath.  Look at your partner.  Communicate your FEELINGS in that moment.  

When you use the template above, you are not only taking responsibility for your feelings, you are offering a resolution.  Sometimes the “Can we please…” can be “Would you please…” if you wish to ask something of your partner to assist you.

We know that when the emotion is out of proportion to the current situation that can be a clue that you’ve been triggered by past events.

The key is to realize that you are the one who is responsible for your feelings, not anyone else.  You have to take that responsibility in how you communicate with your partner.  That is the power in the script we’ve provided.  

Now he may or may not respond the way that you want him to and once again that is not your responsibility.  As long as you are communicating in a way that is not attacking or accusing then you can allow him to react without taking it personally.

Here is an easy way to define it for yourself:  When someone has a problem with you it is their problem.  When you have a problem with someone it is your problem.  

You’ve already acknowledged that you are being triggered because of your past history.  He is also doing the same.  Taking responsibility means owning that this is your stuff coming up and doing some introspection about the source of the reaction, reminding yourself that he is a different person, and getting to the root of the emotional reaction.

Does it come from a need for control or security?  Maybe it comes from a need to be approved of? Or abandonment?  When you realize what the issue really is, then you can begin to break the emotional trance.

Bring yourself into the present moment by becoming aware of the room around you.  Literally “come to your senses” by noticing the colors, feeling your feet on the floor, becoming aware of the sounds going on around you and as you do that ask yourself some questions.

In this moment do I need to be in control?  Do I need to be more secure?  In this moment do I need to approved of?  You may find that in this moment you are secure, you are in control and you are approved of.  Doing this can allow you to let go of the emotional trance and come into the present moment.  Doing this consistently can allow you to break the pattern of the old reaction.

The beautiful thing about communicating how you feel AUTHENTICALLY is that you and your partner do not need to Agree – if you are BOTH AUTHENTIC that is the KEY to real communication, intimacy and where True MAGIC happens.  

Please keep us informed on how this process works for You.

Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew