Free Articles

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, we wanted to share our process that we use to help you create love on purpose.  We'll outline the 7 stages you need to master and give you some tips for making it happen.

7 Steps to Creating Love On Purpose 

1.  Discover Your Past Patterns in Relationship and Release Them

We learn how to receive love at an early age from people who are flawed.  So we learn that love is conditional.  We then play this pattern out in our intimate relationships.  You must identify this pattern so that you recognize the pattern you are stuck in and what needs to change.  

Once you recognize the pattern, you have to make the conscious effort to end it.  Stop saying yes when you mean no.  Draw a clear boundary and enforce it.  

2.  Forgive Yourself, Forgive Others, and Move On

There is a saying, "Holding onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."  Stop holding onto the anger and resentment of the past.  The only way to do this is to practice forgiveness.

Forgive yourself, forgive the other people who have betrayed, abandoned, and disappointed you.  Discover what the lesson was for you to learn, be grateful to have that knowledge and experience and move on!  Learn from the past, forgive and move on.  Finding lasting love is about what your heart truly desires.

Try this practice:  Hold your hands on your heart, close your eyes and picture the person you wish to forgive (it could be you).  Say to that person, "Please forgive me. I'm sorry. Thank you. I love you," over and over again until you feel the energy shift.

3.  Learn to Love and Accept All the Parts of You, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

This means realizing that there are no conditions necessary for you to be loved.  We keep saying it over and over, the mere fact that you exist is enough - you are worth loving.  There is nothing you need to do or be.  Start by loving yourself unconditionally - love and accept all the parts of you - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Start using these affirmations on a daily basis:  "I love and accept myself."  "I am worthy of respectful love."  "There is enough love for everyone, including me."  Say these daily many, many times and watch your life change.

4. Live, Feel, and Express Authentically

Stop twisting into a pretzel to receive love.  If you want someone to love you for who you are, no strings attached, then you must be authentic.  Many of us try to figure out what the other person wants and attempt to become it.  That is a recipe for disaster.  It is also not fair to the person you are with.

Express your feelings authentically.  Take responsibility for them.  Ask for what you want and need.  This is the path to receive love for who you truly are.

5.  Be Committed to Your Own Personal Growth (Never Sacrifice Yourself)

Whatever your spiritual path may be, commit to it fully.  This is your path to wholeness.  Only by becoming whole yourself will you attract another whole person.  In relationship, water seeks its own level - if you want to create a lasting relationship, do the work to move forward on your journey and you will surely meet your partner along the way.

Start a practice of inner child dates.  Take your inner child out once a week doing something that s/he would love to do.  Let your inner child pick the activity.  This will help you get back in touch with an important part of yourself and create a new rapport with yourself so that when you are in a relationship you will not abandon you.

6.  Make A List of Qualities You Desire in a Partner And Embody Those Qualities

Be very specific.  Focus on values, personality traits and internal qualities, not on physical traits or external qualities.  If it is important that your soul mate be successful, then focus on the qualities that made him that way, not the amount of money he makes.   Then go through the list and ask yourself: "Do I hold/have this quality?"  If not, how can you cultivate it? 

In order to manifest what you desire you must first vibrate at that frequency.  If you are looking for a man to fulfill parts of you that are lacking, then you are creating a co-dependent and unhealthy relationship.  Become whole and attract another whole person to you.

7.  Visualize and Manifest What You Desire 

If we can't see it we can't create it.  This is a truth for everyone.  If you don't know what a true soul partnership looks like, you can't create it.  Get clear on what it will look like for you and focus on that vision everyday.

Love is not something that happens accidentally.  You aren't going to bump into the love of your life in the supermarket and intuitively know how to make it work.  Love, just like anything important, requires you to be intentional and take action on those intentions.  Taking the time to implement these changes in itself is a bold act that will create love in your life.  

The one thing we all desire is love.  And not just any love, what we truly desire is to be loved for who we really are; to share our life with someone and to feel acceptance from a man who is committed to you.   And yet so many of us struggle to fulfill this desire.

What keeps us from having something that is so important to our happiness?  Usually it’s our behavior that is in conflict with our desire for love.  In order to understand why our true desire is so often sabotaged by our behavior, we have to understand where our behavior comes from.

Upwards of 90% of our behavior is generated from our subconscious mind and our subconscious is responding to our present through the lens of our PAST experiences.  This is why it is so easy to recreate the same experiences over and over and over again.  We learn a strategy for dealing with a situation early on in life and our subconscious applies that strategy to similar situations in the present.  

If our past is filled with heartache because we were betrayed, it’s very easy to attract betrayal yet again.

We hear you, this doesn’t sound like good news. . .

However, once we understand a few things about our hard wiring, we can then focus to create the outcome of our desire – which in this case is LOVE (it will work with anything else that you desire too).

Our ego is committed to Homeostasis – now for those you who either slept through, or ditched science class – homeostasis is the state of keeping things the SAME!  Homeostasis is what keeps your body at a certain temperature, your blood pressure and body temperature within a narrow range, and your behavior consistent from one day to the next.

That’s right, our ego, and every other part of us is committed to keeping things exactly as they are.

Why?

Because right now you are ALIVE.  

Now you may be alive, but you may not be happy, or feeling cared for, or loved. . . and quite frankly your ego doesn’t care.  

Like Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind, should you be able to have a conversation about all this love that you desire would tell you “Frankly, I don’t give a damn!”

Being alive is the priority of our ego and our entire body.  

In order to have LOVE – true soul partnership love – we must be committed to THRIVE!

One way that your ego may sabotage your heart is by convincing you that love must come from ONE person.   No one else can make you feel the way he did.  No one else will treat you the way he did.  These are all lies of the ego.

The Truth is that love is limitless with limitless expressions.  You can choose to create love with any person.  You can choose to feel loved at any moment.  Only our ego stands in the way of love and we look for love in limited ways.

The ego tells you HOW love is supposed to show up in your life.  Your man may show he loves you rather then tell you – and if you are upset that you’re not hearing it, that simply keeps you from experiencing the love he is SHOWING you.  

Our ego also has the need to be right.  Being right and feeling loved are not connected in any way.  When we get stuck in needing to be right in relationship, we fail to see the love that is available to us in the moment.   

Love comes from connection and intimacy and does not require agreement.  

Your ego may also be blocking love because it is holding onto anger and resentment from the past.  Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  Resentment only harms you and your well-being.  

The way out of resentment is to practice forgiveness.  Forgiveness for self and others is a loving act that only attracts more love into your life.  

Become aware of how your ego is getting in the way of you creating love in your life.  By letting spirit be your guide, you can release old patterns and move into limitless love.

When you’re looking to go back into the dating world, it is important to know what you desire.  Are you looking for a long-term relationship, perhaps even marriage?  Or are you just looking to get your feet wet again, and see what it’s like out there?  Maybe you’re just looking to have a good time.  Once you define what your desired outcome is, you can set a clear intention that will act as a compass to navigate your journey.

The most important thing to remember about dating, that most people overlook, is that it is PRACTICE! If it is truly just practice, then how would that change your relationship with you?  

We often say that hope is the first thing that comes into a relationship, and is often the last thing to go.  To take the pressure off and to utilize dating as a great tool for personal growth we have a process we call: Date To Discover™.  

Rather than placing emphasis on the other person, wondering if they are the right fit for you, and what they are all about – turn your attention inward.  Start paying attention to your inner dialog – “What am I saying to myself about myself?”  Do you have a negative inner dialog in response to dating?  Or are you saying positive things about yourself and your prospects?  Your attitude towards dating will largely determine your results.  

Being aware of our inner dialog gives us the opportunity to make adjustments.  For example, if we find that we can speak our feelings easily with someone we are not attracted to, but find it difficult to do so when there is an attraction gives us the opportunity to spend some time practicing being emotionally authentic under all circumstances.

Be certain that you do not approach dating in reaction to past hurts.  When we have heartbreak, we often decide that we never want to feel that feeling again and so we make the opposite of what happened to us of the utmost importance.  For example, if your partner cheated, then we focus on finding someone who is faithful and trustworthy.  It’s not that these traits are undesirable, it’s that we are still caught in the energy of what caused the heartbreak which can draw it to us again and again simply by being caught in that story.  

Additionally, when our behavior is in reaction to what just occurred our values in relationship are not in alignment with what we desire in a partner for our overall lifestyle.  We had a client who came to us after ten years of marriage and two kids who was unhappy that his wife was constantly requesting that he, “Tone it down.”  We discovered that he dated his wife in reaction to a woman who had cheated on him and broken his heart.  He certainly married a faithful woman, however, she was not accepting of him and his inherent personality.  

When we desire love, we look for it outside of ourselves, yet it must be INSIDE us in order for it to be mirrored back to us. Ultimately you cannot say or do the “wrong” thing with the Right Person.  So, whether you are looking to date casually, or wish to connect with the love of your life, the best approach is . . . to be true to yourself, not twisting into a pretzel to get love.  That way when you are in a committed relationship you’ll know that person loves you for who you truly are, inside and out.

Are You Stuck in the “Lie” of Love?

At some point every single one of us has been caught in the “LIE” of LOVE.

The lie of love that says we can only have love with this one person.  The lie of love that fears we can only receive love in this one way.  The lie of love that says we will never feel “this way” with another person.

It is easy to get stuck on the details of the past.  We all spend time revisiting the loving memories and the heartbreaks of old relationships.  What we forget is that our memories are malleable.  They change with time.  We recreate them and alter them every time we revisit them.   The more we nurture these memories, the more we get attached to the lie.

This lie of love keeps us stuck in the past.  It keeps us stuck in our pain and heartbreak.  It keeps us from being able to receive love from anyone else.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the lie of love is an illusion.  We decide that love has to exist in our life exactly the way we want it.  Our love has to arrive on our time schedule or else it is not love.  Our love has to make us feel a certain way or else it is not love. Our lover has to express their love in a specific way to us or else it is not love.

This is the path to disappointment, pain and loneliness.  And this path is perpetuated in literature, on TV, and in movies.  The Truth of love is so much more freeing – it is easier and allows us to receive what we truly desire.  When we step into the Truth then we become the Master of Love!

What if we could be free from that lie and step into the TRUTH of LOVE?

The Truth of love is that love is everywhere.  Love is created by you.  No one can give you love, because it is always yours to have.  Love has limitless expressions.

We’re not referring to some abstract idea of love.  We mean feeling loved each and every day.  Receiving that love from your soul mate, and giving that love in return.  

The Truth of love is that love is your birthright.  You were born perfect and whole.  You simply have forgotten that Truth in the pain of experience, so you’ve been trying to become whole again through another person.  You’ve been trying to feel complete through another person.

The only person who can complete you is you.  And the way to do that is to realize that there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not broken.  You don’t need to be fixed.  The truth of love is found in self-acceptance.  Shining the light of love on those dark places inside of us.

It is time to change our relationship to those old memories so we can release ourselves from the lie.  Look for the golden nugget in each past relationship.  There is a gift for you to take away from your heartaches.  Finding that gift allows you to grow and your love for self to expand.  

Examine the ways in which you reject yourself.  How often do you negate or reject your feelings by not expressing them?  Maybe you hold back your true self and present a version of yourself that you believe will be more likeable or acceptable.  You will not be loved for who you are until you start loving yourself for who you are.

When you learn to love yourself then love is available to you in each and every moment, and you can create love in your life under any circumstances, then you can experience the Truth - Love is inside of you and limitless.

When we get stuck thinking that LOVE is in the details – we set ourselves up for disappointment. We enter a relationship with hope – and that hope is the last thing to go.  Only by releasing that hope (the hope that says love can only be fulfilled by this one person, at this time, and in this one way) can we open up to all the possibilities that love has to offer us.  

What if every time your heart broke, it actually expanded and allowed room for more love to enter?  When we release the lie, we welcome all our experiences as an opportunity to love ourselves more deeply.  When we experience Love from inside of us, then and only then is it reflected back to us through the eyes of our Beloved. 

5 Steps to Manifesting Your Soul Mate

If you desire true soul partnership, there is a clear path to finding that special person.  Follow this blueprint and you will surely find love:

1.   Let go of the past.  

Forgive yourself, forgive the other people who have betrayed, abandoned, and disappointed you.  Discover what the lesson was for you to learn, be grateful to have that knowledge and experience and move on!  When we are focused on past hurts and disappointments then we are choosing our current mates based on what we don’t want.  Your last boyfriend cheated?  You better make sure the next one is honest and faithful.  This way of thinking will keep you in that old pattern.  Learn from the past, forgive and move on.  Finding your soul mate is about what your heart truly desires.

2.  Treat yourself how you wish to be treated.  

There is no wiggle room here.  If what you desire is respectful love, then you must be giving that love to yourself.  Embrace all the parts of you – the good, the bad, and even the ugly.  You must be willing to give yourself the same love and acceptance that you are looking for in your mate. When you embrace this then you become available for the love you most desire.  This also means that you live your life the same way you would if you already had what you desired.  So many people put off living fully until the right conditions are in place.  Besides, living your life this way will most likely put you in places where you will meet that person who shares your likes, interests, lifestyle, etc.

3.  Be committed to your personal and spiritual growth.  

Whatever your spiritual path may be, commit to it fully.  This is your path to wholeness.  Only by becoming whole yourself will you attract another whole person.  In relationship, water seeks its own level – if you want a Soul Mate, do the work to move forward on your journey and you will surely meet your partner along the way.

4.  Make a list of qualities that you want your partner to have.  

Be very specific.  Focus on values, personality traits and internal qualities, not on physical traits or external qualities.  If it is important that your soul mate be successful, then focus on the qualities that made him that way, not the amount of money he makes.  You want to focus on who he is, not what he does or looks like.  Then go through the list and ask yourself: - “Do I hold/have this quality? If not, how can you cultivate it?  Then start cultivating those qualities.  Be the person you are seeking to be with.  This is not about him completing you.  One plus one does not equal one. You are complete and whole within yourself.

5.   Do not settle!

It is possible for you to have everything you want in relationship.  If what you desire is a true soul partnership then the Law of Polarity says that you would not have the desire if it wasn’t possible for that desire to be fulfilled.  Keep your eye on the prize!  When you waste time with someone who is not what you truly desire, then you are telling the universe that you don’t really want a soul mate.  You are telling the universe that you don’t deserve a soul mate.  And you are cheating yourself and the man you are with.  Stop wasting time with good enough, and go for what is in your heart’s desire!

Sometimes in regards to relationship we get stuck on the details rather than seeing the big picture.  We feel strongly about someone and decide that because of those feelings that we’re “supposed to be with” that person.

Its important to remain focused on the bigger picture and what we truly desire.

Would you choose what you know to be true about what is or isn’t happening with whomever you might be hung up on over your ideal relationship with Mr./Ms. Unknown?

The only way to find out is to “Date to Discover.”

Date to discover things about YOURSELF!

Date to Discover how you feel.

Date to Discover how to be comfortable speaking how you feel.

Date to Discover how to set and keep boundaries.

Date to Discover how to ask for what you want.

Date to Discover your inner dialog.

Have a few people in rotation – date them, and date the world!

Allowing yourself to be in a place of DISCOVERY will open everything up for you.

If someone told you (regardless of the reason) that they are not committed to being with you right now – BELIEVE THEM AND MOVE ON!

You deserve to be with someone who is CRAZY about You!  

Release ties to everyone from your past.  Release your expectations from everyone in your life presently.  

Be clear on the kind of relationship you desire.  This is where the details are helpful, not by making a laundry list of qualities, not by placing someone you already know in the picture in your mind, but rather being clear on the details of the RELATIONSHIP, HOW you will FEEL in it, and HOW it will FUNCTION.

The only way to find out is to Date to Discover and keep the focus of your DISCOVERY on YOU!

Dating, Dialog and Discovery!

I find it interesting how much effort and energy is often put into “where to meet people” when we’re single.  I have found with my clients. as well as from my own personal experience, its not about WHERE you are, but more about WHO you are being.

Dating is important for one reason that most people overlook – PRACTICE!

In order to change the patterns that you’ve been living over and over again in relationship its imperative for us to practice that new way of being in the world.

When I was internet-dating I had set one clear intention – to discover things about myself.  

If I met someone I was interested in, then that would be icing on the cake.  My clear goal was to pay attention to who I was being.  How was I different when I was meeting with someone I was attracted to, versus someone with whom I had no spark?  How did the presence or lack of that spark shift my internal dialog?

Often times with our clients the desire to find “the one” by internet-dating comes up again and again, and we respond “Its just practice!”  (This is true whether the dates come from the internet, or in “regular” life.)

Take that in.  

If it is truly just practice, then how would that change your relationship with you?  

Ultimately you cannot say or do the “wrong” thing with the Right Person.

When we desire love, we look for it outside of ourselves, yet it must be INSIDE us in order for it to be mirrored back to us.

Years ago, I married myself.  I went down to Venice Beach and bought a plain solid silver band, went out to the beach and promised to Love, Honor and Cherish ME!  It was incredibly fulfilling and nurturing.  Each time I looked at that band, or felt it on my finger, it was a constant reminder of that promise to myself.  

Nurturing yourself during the search for love is NOT optional.  

If you are truly in a place where you really don’t get out to meet new people, that’s okay.  Practice with the people in your life; friends, family, and co-workers.  Start to pay attention to what you would like to shift and then practice.  Do you judge?  Do you get angry?  Do you run through what may happen later in the day while you take your morning shower – only to realize that the dialog you’re having is not the one you want, but the one you fear?  

The real KEY to shifting on the inside is to pay attention to what you are saying to yourself about yourself.  Notice the negative dialog and change it to positive comments that you believe.  Pay attention to your inner dialog the way a marathon runner pays attention to their pace.

Discover what you would like to be saying to yourself and say that instead.

Do You Know How to Love and Value Yourself?

We are strong believers that your ability to attract love in your life is tied to your ability to love and value yourself.  These practices are at the root of creating intentional love.  When you embrace the idea that your experience in the outer world is nothing more than a reflection of your inner world, then it seems obvious that in order to attract and receive the love you desire you need to create that relationship with yourself first.

I can hear you thinking how great that sounds however, what does that look like in practice?  What actions can I take that teach me to love and value myself?  We’re going to start looking at those practices and how to implement them in the next series of blog posts.

The place to start is to begin to examine your relationship with yourself and ask yourself some key questions:

1.  Do I feel that others are always draining my energy?

2.  Do I have a list of actions or activities that I do regularly to replenish myself?

3.  Do I feel any resentment towards important people at home or at work?

4.  Do I set and enforce my personal boundaries?

5.  Do I know what my ideal day would look like?

6.  Do I speak to myself in a harsh or critical tone?

7.  Do I dwell on past mistakes?

8.  Do I focus on what I haven’t yet accomplished?

9.  Am I holding onto unresolved issues from  the past?

10.  Is there anything that I am unwilling to change or let go of in order to get what I want?

11.  Do I take time for myself away from friends and family?

12.  Do I focus on the present and reward myself for how far I’ve come on my journey?

If you answered yes to #’s 1, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9, or 10 then that is a great place to start making changes.  Pick one of these and add it to your New Year’s Resolution list.  In order to avoid becoming overwhelmed, work only on one at a time and be compassionate towards yourself.  There is no time limit for how long it should take to make these changes, its all a process.

If you answered yes to #’s 2, 4, 5, 11, or 12 then you already have some great practices in place.  If you answered no, then these are great actions to add into your daily life.  Once again it is best to take them one at a time.

So today’s tip is to spend time with this list, notice where you are not honoring your needs or hanging onto the past, notice which practices you would like to develop and pick one to focus on for the next 30-60 days.

Let us know how you’re doing.  We’ve set up a forum topic so that you can support one another and keep track of your progress.  Click HERE to post on the forum.

Love and Abundance,

Orna and Matthew