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Are you in relationship with an addict?  Are you a recovering addict trying to get back into a relationship?  Watch us talking with Andrew and Judah at Klean Radio about addiction and relationship:

 

The one thing we all desire is love.  And not just any love, what we truly desire is to be loved for who we really are; to share our life with someone and to feel acceptance from a man who is committed to you.   And yet so many of us struggle to fulfill this desire.

What keeps us from having something that is so important to our happiness?  Usually it’s our behavior that is in conflict with our desire for love.  In order to understand why our true desire is so often sabotaged by our behavior, we have to understand where our behavior comes from.

Upwards of 90% of our behavior is generated from our subconscious mind and our subconscious is responding to our present through the lens of our PAST experiences.  This is why it is so easy to recreate the same experiences over and over and over again.  We learn a strategy for dealing with a situation early on in life and our subconscious applies that strategy to similar situations in the present.  

If our past is filled with heartache because we were betrayed, it’s very easy to attract betrayal yet again.

We hear you, this doesn’t sound like good news. . .

However, once we understand a few things about our hard wiring, we can then focus to create the outcome of our desire – which in this case is LOVE (it will work with anything else that you desire too).

Our ego is committed to Homeostasis – now for those you who either slept through, or ditched science class – homeostasis is the state of keeping things the SAME!  Homeostasis is what keeps your body at a certain temperature, your blood pressure and body temperature within a narrow range, and your behavior consistent from one day to the next.

That’s right, our ego, and every other part of us is committed to keeping things exactly as they are.

Why?

Because right now you are ALIVE.  

Now you may be alive, but you may not be happy, or feeling cared for, or loved. . . and quite frankly your ego doesn’t care.  

Like Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind, should you be able to have a conversation about all this love that you desire would tell you “Frankly, I don’t give a damn!”

Being alive is the priority of our ego and our entire body.  

In order to have LOVE – true soul partnership love – we must be committed to THRIVE!

One way that your ego may sabotage your heart is by convincing you that love must come from ONE person.   No one else can make you feel the way he did.  No one else will treat you the way he did.  These are all lies of the ego.

The Truth is that love is limitless with limitless expressions.  You can choose to create love with any person.  You can choose to feel loved at any moment.  Only our ego stands in the way of love and we look for love in limited ways.

The ego tells you HOW love is supposed to show up in your life.  Your man may show he loves you rather then tell you – and if you are upset that you’re not hearing it, that simply keeps you from experiencing the love he is SHOWING you.  

Our ego also has the need to be right.  Being right and feeling loved are not connected in any way.  When we get stuck in needing to be right in relationship, we fail to see the love that is available to us in the moment.   

Love comes from connection and intimacy and does not require agreement.  

Your ego may also be blocking love because it is holding onto anger and resentment from the past.  Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  Resentment only harms you and your well-being.  

The way out of resentment is to practice forgiveness.  Forgiveness for self and others is a loving act that only attracts more love into your life.  

Become aware of how your ego is getting in the way of you creating love in your life.  By letting spirit be your guide, you can release old patterns and move into limitless love.

When we are in a committed relationship there will be high times and low times, good times and bad.  The idea is to weather the storm – TOGETHER!

The best course of action is to leave space for your partner to feel whatever they may be feeling.  Often we may desire for things to be different.  We wish our partner would forgive our mistakes.  Or we wish we could forgive more quickly and no longer feel anger.  However, leaving space for what is allows for the feelings and the situation to breath.

This doesn’t mean to leave the room, or check out.  It means to allow your partner to feel and express their feelings without taking them personally, or allowing ourselves to be triggered into a defensive stance.

Intimacy does not require agreement.  What we want most of all is to feel heard, seen and loved – and agreement is simply not part of that equation.  Agreement is often an ego desire to get your partner to see your point of view.  Needing agreement in this way can continue to push your partner away and blocking the intimacy that we truly desire.

Every couple will have their disagreements, and arguments, that is normal and part of relating to one another. Its in HOW you have those disagreements and arguments that makes for a lasting loving partnership.

Next time there’s a disagreement in your relationship take a deep breath and simply open the space to really listen to your partner.  What is he saying, exactly?

We know that if we catch ourselves formulating a reply in our mind, then we are not really listening – so be sure to set aside that desire to prepare and step into a receptive place of hearing without judgment or criticism.  

We find it helpful to take turns speaking until the person who is talking says the words, “I’m done.”   It is important to resist the urge to interrupt, defend, or explain.  Just allow each other to say what needs to be said and give the space to listen and hear what is going on with your partner.

If you’ve had a doozey of a fight and things got heated, that’s okay.  Once tempers calm down then propose the opportunity to really talk and utilize the “I’m done” strategy.  

On very rare occasions emotions may take a few days to really come fully to the surface.  Or we may need some time to simply process how we are feeling so we can communicate effectively.  

If you’ve been truly hurt or disappointed – and rightly so – anger may rise to the surface.  Rather then suppress the anger – allow yourself to express it.  Communicate with your partner the need to express.

If you are the one on the receiving end, and did the disappointing (we’ve all been there) simply give your partner the space to express their full range of emotions.  Watch that you don’t project your anger with yourself onto your partner.  

We energetically give permission to one another all the time.  Make it okay for your partner to be sad, hurt, angry – any emotion that is coming up for them is the appropriate emotion.

When we let our defenses down, we can let love in.  Our hearts were not designed to work in stealth mode.  Speaking how we feel is how we create intimacy.  

The next time you have an argument, give yourself and your partner the space to feel your feelings.  It will go a long way towards creating deeper intimacy in your relationship.

Loving someone is in our behavior.  Simply giving your partner the permission to express their feelings is a huge act of love.

Are You Stuck in the “Lie” of Love?

At some point every single one of us has been caught in the “LIE” of LOVE.

The lie of love that says we can only have love with this one person.  The lie of love that fears we can only receive love in this one way.  The lie of love that says we will never feel “this way” with another person.

It is easy to get stuck on the details of the past.  We all spend time revisiting the loving memories and the heartbreaks of old relationships.  What we forget is that our memories are malleable.  They change with time.  We recreate them and alter them every time we revisit them.   The more we nurture these memories, the more we get attached to the lie.

This lie of love keeps us stuck in the past.  It keeps us stuck in our pain and heartbreak.  It keeps us from being able to receive love from anyone else.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the lie of love is an illusion.  We decide that love has to exist in our life exactly the way we want it.  Our love has to arrive on our time schedule or else it is not love.  Our love has to make us feel a certain way or else it is not love. Our lover has to express their love in a specific way to us or else it is not love.

This is the path to disappointment, pain and loneliness.  And this path is perpetuated in literature, on TV, and in movies.  The Truth of love is so much more freeing – it is easier and allows us to receive what we truly desire.  When we step into the Truth then we become the Master of Love!

What if we could be free from that lie and step into the TRUTH of LOVE?

The Truth of love is that love is everywhere.  Love is created by you.  No one can give you love, because it is always yours to have.  Love has limitless expressions.

We’re not referring to some abstract idea of love.  We mean feeling loved each and every day.  Receiving that love from your soul mate, and giving that love in return.  

The Truth of love is that love is your birthright.  You were born perfect and whole.  You simply have forgotten that Truth in the pain of experience, so you’ve been trying to become whole again through another person.  You’ve been trying to feel complete through another person.

The only person who can complete you is you.  And the way to do that is to realize that there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not broken.  You don’t need to be fixed.  The truth of love is found in self-acceptance.  Shining the light of love on those dark places inside of us.

It is time to change our relationship to those old memories so we can release ourselves from the lie.  Look for the golden nugget in each past relationship.  There is a gift for you to take away from your heartaches.  Finding that gift allows you to grow and your love for self to expand.  

Examine the ways in which you reject yourself.  How often do you negate or reject your feelings by not expressing them?  Maybe you hold back your true self and present a version of yourself that you believe will be more likeable or acceptable.  You will not be loved for who you are until you start loving yourself for who you are.

When you learn to love yourself then love is available to you in each and every moment, and you can create love in your life under any circumstances, then you can experience the Truth - Love is inside of you and limitless.

When we get stuck thinking that LOVE is in the details – we set ourselves up for disappointment. We enter a relationship with hope – and that hope is the last thing to go.  Only by releasing that hope (the hope that says love can only be fulfilled by this one person, at this time, and in this one way) can we open up to all the possibilities that love has to offer us.  

What if every time your heart broke, it actually expanded and allowed room for more love to enter?  When we release the lie, we welcome all our experiences as an opportunity to love ourselves more deeply.  When we experience Love from inside of us, then and only then is it reflected back to us through the eyes of our Beloved.