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The one thing we all desire is love.  And not just any love, what we truly desire is to be loved for who we really are; to share our life with someone and to feel acceptance from a man who is committed to you.   And yet so many of us struggle to fulfill this desire.

What keeps us from having something that is so important to our happiness?  Usually it’s our behavior that is in conflict with our desire for love.  In order to understand why our true desire is so often sabotaged by our behavior, we have to understand where our behavior comes from.

Upwards of 90% of our behavior is generated from our subconscious mind and our subconscious is responding to our present through the lens of our PAST experiences.  This is why it is so easy to recreate the same experiences over and over and over again.  We learn a strategy for dealing with a situation early on in life and our subconscious applies that strategy to similar situations in the present.  

If our past is filled with heartache because we were betrayed, it’s very easy to attract betrayal yet again.

We hear you, this doesn’t sound like good news. . .

However, once we understand a few things about our hard wiring, we can then focus to create the outcome of our desire – which in this case is LOVE (it will work with anything else that you desire too).

Our ego is committed to Homeostasis – now for those you who either slept through, or ditched science class – homeostasis is the state of keeping things the SAME!  Homeostasis is what keeps your body at a certain temperature, your blood pressure and body temperature within a narrow range, and your behavior consistent from one day to the next.

That’s right, our ego, and every other part of us is committed to keeping things exactly as they are.

Why?

Because right now you are ALIVE.  

Now you may be alive, but you may not be happy, or feeling cared for, or loved. . . and quite frankly your ego doesn’t care.  

Like Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind, should you be able to have a conversation about all this love that you desire would tell you “Frankly, I don’t give a damn!”

Being alive is the priority of our ego and our entire body.  

In order to have LOVE – true soul partnership love – we must be committed to THRIVE!

One way that your ego may sabotage your heart is by convincing you that love must come from ONE person.   No one else can make you feel the way he did.  No one else will treat you the way he did.  These are all lies of the ego.

The Truth is that love is limitless with limitless expressions.  You can choose to create love with any person.  You can choose to feel loved at any moment.  Only our ego stands in the way of love and we look for love in limited ways.

The ego tells you HOW love is supposed to show up in your life.  Your man may show he loves you rather then tell you – and if you are upset that you’re not hearing it, that simply keeps you from experiencing the love he is SHOWING you.  

Our ego also has the need to be right.  Being right and feeling loved are not connected in any way.  When we get stuck in needing to be right in relationship, we fail to see the love that is available to us in the moment.   

Love comes from connection and intimacy and does not require agreement.  

Your ego may also be blocking love because it is holding onto anger and resentment from the past.  Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  Resentment only harms you and your well-being.  

The way out of resentment is to practice forgiveness.  Forgiveness for self and others is a loving act that only attracts more love into your life.  

Become aware of how your ego is getting in the way of you creating love in your life.  By letting spirit be your guide, you can release old patterns and move into limitless love.

When we are in a committed relationship there will be high times and low times, good times and bad.  The idea is to weather the storm – TOGETHER!

The best course of action is to leave space for your partner to feel whatever they may be feeling.  Often we may desire for things to be different.  We wish our partner would forgive our mistakes.  Or we wish we could forgive more quickly and no longer feel anger.  However, leaving space for what is allows for the feelings and the situation to breath.

This doesn’t mean to leave the room, or check out.  It means to allow your partner to feel and express their feelings without taking them personally, or allowing ourselves to be triggered into a defensive stance.

Intimacy does not require agreement.  What we want most of all is to feel heard, seen and loved – and agreement is simply not part of that equation.  Agreement is often an ego desire to get your partner to see your point of view.  Needing agreement in this way can continue to push your partner away and blocking the intimacy that we truly desire.

Every couple will have their disagreements, and arguments, that is normal and part of relating to one another. Its in HOW you have those disagreements and arguments that makes for a lasting loving partnership.

Next time there’s a disagreement in your relationship take a deep breath and simply open the space to really listen to your partner.  What is he saying, exactly?

We know that if we catch ourselves formulating a reply in our mind, then we are not really listening – so be sure to set aside that desire to prepare and step into a receptive place of hearing without judgment or criticism.  

We find it helpful to take turns speaking until the person who is talking says the words, “I’m done.”   It is important to resist the urge to interrupt, defend, or explain.  Just allow each other to say what needs to be said and give the space to listen and hear what is going on with your partner.

If you’ve had a doozey of a fight and things got heated, that’s okay.  Once tempers calm down then propose the opportunity to really talk and utilize the “I’m done” strategy.  

On very rare occasions emotions may take a few days to really come fully to the surface.  Or we may need some time to simply process how we are feeling so we can communicate effectively.  

If you’ve been truly hurt or disappointed – and rightly so – anger may rise to the surface.  Rather then suppress the anger – allow yourself to express it.  Communicate with your partner the need to express.

If you are the one on the receiving end, and did the disappointing (we’ve all been there) simply give your partner the space to express their full range of emotions.  Watch that you don’t project your anger with yourself onto your partner.  

We energetically give permission to one another all the time.  Make it okay for your partner to be sad, hurt, angry – any emotion that is coming up for them is the appropriate emotion.

When we let our defenses down, we can let love in.  Our hearts were not designed to work in stealth mode.  Speaking how we feel is how we create intimacy.  

The next time you have an argument, give yourself and your partner the space to feel your feelings.  It will go a long way towards creating deeper intimacy in your relationship.

Loving someone is in our behavior.  Simply giving your partner the permission to express their feelings is a huge act of love.

Your Man Is Looking at PORN – Is It Over?

Its not just out there. .  its EVERYWHERE!  From a snapshot of a young ingénue’s snatch as she gets out of a limo, to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by PORN.  Additionally, on the Internet most of it is not only easily accessible it’s FREE! 
 
It’s no wonder there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn addiction.  But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem?  Does it mean that he doesn’t love you or is being unfaithful?  Is there room for porn in your relationship?

What happens when you discover your partner is viewing porn?  Maybe you feel something is wrong with you, or that something is missing in your relationship.  You might begin to question your own attractiveness, or your partner’s level of attraction to you.  

This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence.  Is he thinking about younger, prettier women?  

Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation.

You may wonder, “How can my man look at nude and erotic pictures of other women and still be faithful to me?”  It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you, and to get to the root of what you are feeling.  

One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men are stimulated and the way women are.  

With men sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart.  In essence it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal – neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged.  

When women view porn, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite her desire for fantasy.  Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal!  

We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn and she really felt betrayed.  She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful.  She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings.  How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?

We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress.  For her, it was her own insecurity.  Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings.  Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically.   

Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay.  It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it gave a “WOW! Factor” to their imagination and role-play and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy.  

If your desire is to have a true soul partnership, then no subject is “taboo” to discuss.  When fear shows up within a partnership, walking through that paper tiger of fear and communicating will create deeper intimacy every single time.

If you know your partner is looking at porn, and this brings up negative emotions for you here’s what we’d like you to do:

*Don’t put your head in the sand and ignore the issue.  Ignoring how you feel about the issue will only breed resentment.  You cannot be in a committed relationship and not be able to express how you feel about what is going on in the relationship.  That resentment will build up over time and could doom the relationship.

*Be sure to communicate your feelings to your partner without blame.  Attacking or blaming language will only shut him down.  Follow the template below when communicating with him about this issue.

*Find out from your partner about what he likes about looking at porn.  Maybe that can give you an idea about what, if anything may be missing from your sexual relationship.  

*Know that what you’re feeling is about you, not about your partner.  

Just because your man is looking at porn doesn’t mean that your relationship is over or even that you have a problem in your relationship.  However, it is imperative to the health of your relationship to address your feelings with your man so that you are both on the same page.

Porn can be addictive and there are many great resources to help someone who may have this problem.  To determine if your man has a real problem with porn, please read the post Does Your Man Have A Porn Addiction?

To really make this advice work, follow these action steps.

Right now, we want you to:

Take a few deep breaths.  Put your feet flat on the floor and uncross your arms.  Get in your body and get in touch with your feelings.  

Finish these sentences:
1.   When I think of him looking at porn I feel _____________.
2.   When I think of looking at porn with him, I feel ______________.
3.   I rate my sexiness at a level (1-10) __________.

The first feeling to come to mind is the right answer.  Do not think too much about it.  Be sure you have a feeling statement – rather than a thought.  

Within 7 days we want you to:

Own your feelings and communicate with your partner by utilizing this template:

I feel ____________.
When you _________.
Can we please. . . .     OR  Would you please. . .

For example:

I feel insecure when you look at porn.  Would you please explain to me what is appealing to you about it?

Continue the conversation with feeling statements.  Always beginning with, “I feel _____________.”

This template allows you to own your feelings without attacking or blaming him.  What you feel is about you, not about him.  Remember no one actually “makes” you feel anything.  Our feelings are signals to let us know that there is something in this situation we need to pay attention to.  

Know that he may or may not respond positively to this exchange.  That is not your responsibility.  Your job is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate it.

By the end of 30 days we want you to:

Reflect how these conversations have created deeper intimacy between you and your partner; therefore creating a stronger a bond and a healthier, happier sex life.  See if you can allow room for porn in your sex life – either for him alone, or for the two of you together.  If not, reflect on how to respectfully make that request of your partner.  It is important to know what you require in relationship, and not to sacrifice your needs.  Being able to communicate what you desire and require are key to creating longevity in your intimate relationship. 

Dating, Dialog and Discovery!

I find it interesting how much effort and energy is often put into “where to meet people” when we’re single.  I have found with my clients. as well as from my own personal experience, its not about WHERE you are, but more about WHO you are being.

Dating is important for one reason that most people overlook – PRACTICE!

In order to change the patterns that you’ve been living over and over again in relationship its imperative for us to practice that new way of being in the world.

When I was internet-dating I had set one clear intention – to discover things about myself.  

If I met someone I was interested in, then that would be icing on the cake.  My clear goal was to pay attention to who I was being.  How was I different when I was meeting with someone I was attracted to, versus someone with whom I had no spark?  How did the presence or lack of that spark shift my internal dialog?

Often times with our clients the desire to find “the one” by internet-dating comes up again and again, and we respond “Its just practice!”  (This is true whether the dates come from the internet, or in “regular” life.)

Take that in.  

If it is truly just practice, then how would that change your relationship with you?  

Ultimately you cannot say or do the “wrong” thing with the Right Person.

When we desire love, we look for it outside of ourselves, yet it must be INSIDE us in order for it to be mirrored back to us.

Years ago, I married myself.  I went down to Venice Beach and bought a plain solid silver band, went out to the beach and promised to Love, Honor and Cherish ME!  It was incredibly fulfilling and nurturing.  Each time I looked at that band, or felt it on my finger, it was a constant reminder of that promise to myself.  

Nurturing yourself during the search for love is NOT optional.  

If you are truly in a place where you really don’t get out to meet new people, that’s okay.  Practice with the people in your life; friends, family, and co-workers.  Start to pay attention to what you would like to shift and then practice.  Do you judge?  Do you get angry?  Do you run through what may happen later in the day while you take your morning shower – only to realize that the dialog you’re having is not the one you want, but the one you fear?  

The real KEY to shifting on the inside is to pay attention to what you are saying to yourself about yourself.  Notice the negative dialog and change it to positive comments that you believe.  Pay attention to your inner dialog the way a marathon runner pays attention to their pace.

Discover what you would like to be saying to yourself and say that instead.