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When we are in a committed relationship there will be high times and low times, good times and bad.  The idea is to weather the storm – TOGETHER!

The best course of action is to leave space for your partner to feel whatever they may be feeling.  Often we may desire for things to be different.  We wish our partner would forgive our mistakes.  Or we wish we could forgive more quickly and no longer feel anger.  However, leaving space for what is allows for the feelings and the situation to breath.

This doesn’t mean to leave the room, or check out.  It means to allow your partner to feel and express their feelings without taking them personally, or allowing ourselves to be triggered into a defensive stance.

Intimacy does not require agreement.  What we want most of all is to feel heard, seen and loved – and agreement is simply not part of that equation.  Agreement is often an ego desire to get your partner to see your point of view.  Needing agreement in this way can continue to push your partner away and blocking the intimacy that we truly desire.

Every couple will have their disagreements, and arguments, that is normal and part of relating to one another. Its in HOW you have those disagreements and arguments that makes for a lasting loving partnership.

Next time there’s a disagreement in your relationship take a deep breath and simply open the space to really listen to your partner.  What is he saying, exactly?

We know that if we catch ourselves formulating a reply in our mind, then we are not really listening – so be sure to set aside that desire to prepare and step into a receptive place of hearing without judgment or criticism.  

We find it helpful to take turns speaking until the person who is talking says the words, “I’m done.”   It is important to resist the urge to interrupt, defend, or explain.  Just allow each other to say what needs to be said and give the space to listen and hear what is going on with your partner.

If you’ve had a doozey of a fight and things got heated, that’s okay.  Once tempers calm down then propose the opportunity to really talk and utilize the “I’m done” strategy.  

On very rare occasions emotions may take a few days to really come fully to the surface.  Or we may need some time to simply process how we are feeling so we can communicate effectively.  

If you’ve been truly hurt or disappointed – and rightly so – anger may rise to the surface.  Rather then suppress the anger – allow yourself to express it.  Communicate with your partner the need to express.

If you are the one on the receiving end, and did the disappointing (we’ve all been there) simply give your partner the space to express their full range of emotions.  Watch that you don’t project your anger with yourself onto your partner.  

We energetically give permission to one another all the time.  Make it okay for your partner to be sad, hurt, angry – any emotion that is coming up for them is the appropriate emotion.

When we let our defenses down, we can let love in.  Our hearts were not designed to work in stealth mode.  Speaking how we feel is how we create intimacy.  

The next time you have an argument, give yourself and your partner the space to feel your feelings.  It will go a long way towards creating deeper intimacy in your relationship.

Loving someone is in our behavior.  Simply giving your partner the permission to express their feelings is a huge act of love.

Your Man Is Looking at PORN – Is It Over?

Its not just out there. .  its EVERYWHERE!  From a snapshot of a young ingénue’s snatch as she gets out of a limo, to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by PORN.  Additionally, on the Internet most of it is not only easily accessible it’s FREE! 
 
It’s no wonder there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn addiction.  But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem?  Does it mean that he doesn’t love you or is being unfaithful?  Is there room for porn in your relationship?

What happens when you discover your partner is viewing porn?  Maybe you feel something is wrong with you, or that something is missing in your relationship.  You might begin to question your own attractiveness, or your partner’s level of attraction to you.  

This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence.  Is he thinking about younger, prettier women?  

Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation.

You may wonder, “How can my man look at nude and erotic pictures of other women and still be faithful to me?”  It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you, and to get to the root of what you are feeling.  

One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men are stimulated and the way women are.  

With men sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart.  In essence it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal – neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged.  

When women view porn, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite her desire for fantasy.  Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal!  

We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn and she really felt betrayed.  She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful.  She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings.  How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?

We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress.  For her, it was her own insecurity.  Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings.  Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically.   

Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay.  It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it gave a “WOW! Factor” to their imagination and role-play and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy.  

If your desire is to have a true soul partnership, then no subject is “taboo” to discuss.  When fear shows up within a partnership, walking through that paper tiger of fear and communicating will create deeper intimacy every single time.

If you know your partner is looking at porn, and this brings up negative emotions for you here’s what we’d like you to do:

*Don’t put your head in the sand and ignore the issue.  Ignoring how you feel about the issue will only breed resentment.  You cannot be in a committed relationship and not be able to express how you feel about what is going on in the relationship.  That resentment will build up over time and could doom the relationship.

*Be sure to communicate your feelings to your partner without blame.  Attacking or blaming language will only shut him down.  Follow the template below when communicating with him about this issue.

*Find out from your partner about what he likes about looking at porn.  Maybe that can give you an idea about what, if anything may be missing from your sexual relationship.  

*Know that what you’re feeling is about you, not about your partner.  

Just because your man is looking at porn doesn’t mean that your relationship is over or even that you have a problem in your relationship.  However, it is imperative to the health of your relationship to address your feelings with your man so that you are both on the same page.

Porn can be addictive and there are many great resources to help someone who may have this problem.  To determine if your man has a real problem with porn, please read the post Does Your Man Have A Porn Addiction?

To really make this advice work, follow these action steps.

Right now, we want you to:

Take a few deep breaths.  Put your feet flat on the floor and uncross your arms.  Get in your body and get in touch with your feelings.  

Finish these sentences:
1.   When I think of him looking at porn I feel _____________.
2.   When I think of looking at porn with him, I feel ______________.
3.   I rate my sexiness at a level (1-10) __________.

The first feeling to come to mind is the right answer.  Do not think too much about it.  Be sure you have a feeling statement – rather than a thought.  

Within 7 days we want you to:

Own your feelings and communicate with your partner by utilizing this template:

I feel ____________.
When you _________.
Can we please. . . .     OR  Would you please. . .

For example:

I feel insecure when you look at porn.  Would you please explain to me what is appealing to you about it?

Continue the conversation with feeling statements.  Always beginning with, “I feel _____________.”

This template allows you to own your feelings without attacking or blaming him.  What you feel is about you, not about him.  Remember no one actually “makes” you feel anything.  Our feelings are signals to let us know that there is something in this situation we need to pay attention to.  

Know that he may or may not respond positively to this exchange.  That is not your responsibility.  Your job is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate it.

By the end of 30 days we want you to:

Reflect how these conversations have created deeper intimacy between you and your partner; therefore creating a stronger a bond and a healthier, happier sex life.  See if you can allow room for porn in your sex life – either for him alone, or for the two of you together.  If not, reflect on how to respectfully make that request of your partner.  It is important to know what you require in relationship, and not to sacrifice your needs.  Being able to communicate what you desire and require are key to creating longevity in your intimate relationship. 

Sometimes in regards to relationship we get stuck on the details rather than seeing the big picture.  We feel strongly about someone and decide that because of those feelings that we’re “supposed to be with” that person.

Its important to remain focused on the bigger picture and what we truly desire.

Would you choose what you know to be true about what is or isn’t happening with whomever you might be hung up on over your ideal relationship with Mr./Ms. Unknown?

The only way to find out is to “Date to Discover.”

Date to discover things about YOURSELF!

Date to Discover how you feel.

Date to Discover how to be comfortable speaking how you feel.

Date to Discover how to set and keep boundaries.

Date to Discover how to ask for what you want.

Date to Discover your inner dialog.

Have a few people in rotation – date them, and date the world!

Allowing yourself to be in a place of DISCOVERY will open everything up for you.

If someone told you (regardless of the reason) that they are not committed to being with you right now – BELIEVE THEM AND MOVE ON!

You deserve to be with someone who is CRAZY about You!  

Release ties to everyone from your past.  Release your expectations from everyone in your life presently.  

Be clear on the kind of relationship you desire.  This is where the details are helpful, not by making a laundry list of qualities, not by placing someone you already know in the picture in your mind, but rather being clear on the details of the RELATIONSHIP, HOW you will FEEL in it, and HOW it will FUNCTION.

The only way to find out is to Date to Discover and keep the focus of your DISCOVERY on YOU!

Dating, Dialog and Discovery!

I find it interesting how much effort and energy is often put into “where to meet people” when we’re single.  I have found with my clients. as well as from my own personal experience, its not about WHERE you are, but more about WHO you are being.

Dating is important for one reason that most people overlook – PRACTICE!

In order to change the patterns that you’ve been living over and over again in relationship its imperative for us to practice that new way of being in the world.

When I was internet-dating I had set one clear intention – to discover things about myself.  

If I met someone I was interested in, then that would be icing on the cake.  My clear goal was to pay attention to who I was being.  How was I different when I was meeting with someone I was attracted to, versus someone with whom I had no spark?  How did the presence or lack of that spark shift my internal dialog?

Often times with our clients the desire to find “the one” by internet-dating comes up again and again, and we respond “Its just practice!”  (This is true whether the dates come from the internet, or in “regular” life.)

Take that in.  

If it is truly just practice, then how would that change your relationship with you?  

Ultimately you cannot say or do the “wrong” thing with the Right Person.

When we desire love, we look for it outside of ourselves, yet it must be INSIDE us in order for it to be mirrored back to us.

Years ago, I married myself.  I went down to Venice Beach and bought a plain solid silver band, went out to the beach and promised to Love, Honor and Cherish ME!  It was incredibly fulfilling and nurturing.  Each time I looked at that band, or felt it on my finger, it was a constant reminder of that promise to myself.  

Nurturing yourself during the search for love is NOT optional.  

If you are truly in a place where you really don’t get out to meet new people, that’s okay.  Practice with the people in your life; friends, family, and co-workers.  Start to pay attention to what you would like to shift and then practice.  Do you judge?  Do you get angry?  Do you run through what may happen later in the day while you take your morning shower – only to realize that the dialog you’re having is not the one you want, but the one you fear?  

The real KEY to shifting on the inside is to pay attention to what you are saying to yourself about yourself.  Notice the negative dialog and change it to positive comments that you believe.  Pay attention to your inner dialog the way a marathon runner pays attention to their pace.

Discover what you would like to be saying to yourself and say that instead.

Do You Know How to Grow Together Rather Than Apart?

Do you and your partner have a common goal in your relationship?  Did you ever?  People come together because of shared attraction and companionship and over time as you grow together you make a deeper commitment to the relationship.  But did you ever discuss your shared goals, your desires, your dreams of your life together?

Maybe you just entered into your relationship the same way you entered your current job.  You needed a job to pay your bills.  The longer you worked there, the more comfortable you became in your position, you advanced and eventually you had a nice pension.  But did that job serve your soul?  Did it serve your natural talents and abilities?  Or maybe it just paid the bills and allowed you to buy a house and feed your family.

Relationships can develop along those same lines.  But does this relationship serve your soul?  Does it feed your curiosity and your creativity?  Mutual attraction and similar likes and dislikes are helpful in a relationship, but that is often not enough over the years to help you grow together.

We believe in relationship as the next step in our personal and spiritual growth.  Both Orna and I believe we could be happy and fulfilled alone.  We waited until we were past forty to marry.  However, we both wanted to continue to grow; to be the best versions of ourselves that we could be.  And we knew that required a partner.  Someone to reflect back our better selves and our highest potential.

It is so enriching to have a shared vision, a common goal in relationship.  It gives you a guidepost for the journey and helps you stay on the same page.  It is easy for one person to outgrow the other if you are not both clear on what you are creating together.  That doesn’t mean that like Orna and myself you also develop a business together, but it does mean that you both decide what is important to you and what is necessary for your satisfaction.

A couple days after our wedding Orna and I went to one of our favorite places in Los Angeles, the Self Realization Fellowship Lake Shrine.  This is a beautiful and holy place.  We did a short meditation together and then we took our guest book from our wedding, opened it to the empty pages in the back and began to write.  We each alternated writing  a single vision of what we desired from our partnership until we both felt complete.

We plan on returning to that same spot on our yearly anniversary to review and update the list; checking off things we’ve completed and adding the next steps in the vision.  In this way we can track our goals continue to grow together.

If we knew about this exercise earlier we would’ve done it long before our wedding.  It was suggested to us to do at our wedding and we loved the idea.  Do it when you both have committed to the relationship.  And add to it each year.  

 
 

Here’s a question from Shatz that we feel is so common that we’d like to start a discussion around it…

“Hi first let me say, I love your articles and I use your suggestions an awful lot:)
I just wanted to know one thing I read your article this morning and it was me totally because, I have had very unhealthy relationships in the past. physically,mentally, verbally, sexually abused I work on all of this everyday and try my best to not get triggered when my boyfriend has nothing to do with any of this, He is the most healthiest relationship we have both ever had..But I do get triggered and I remember one time he said, I am not I'll use bob that floored me..I took a step back hurt somewhat and he was right that was a trigger of my past. my question is how do i communicate that with him? I know its not my past relationship but being hurt with words so many times I just can't seem to help my self...please help”

Here’s our answer:

We are thrilled to hear that you are using our tools and that you are in a healthy relationship currently. All of us have past experiences that affect our behavior.  This is such a powerful question because HOW do we separate what is happening NOW vs. what occurred in the PAST.

It is important to communicate how you feel in the moment by following our template:

I feel ___________.
When you _____________.
Can we please ______________?

When you are triggered in the moment, take a deep breath.  Look at your partner.  Communicate your FEELINGS in that moment.  

When you use the template above, you are not only taking responsibility for your feelings, you are offering a resolution.  Sometimes the “Can we please…” can be “Would you please…” if you wish to ask something of your partner to assist you.

We know that when the emotion is out of proportion to the current situation that can be a clue that you’ve been triggered by past events.

The key is to realize that you are the one who is responsible for your feelings, not anyone else.  You have to take that responsibility in how you communicate with your partner.  That is the power in the script we’ve provided.  

Now he may or may not respond the way that you want him to and once again that is not your responsibility.  As long as you are communicating in a way that is not attacking or accusing then you can allow him to react without taking it personally.

Here is an easy way to define it for yourself:  When someone has a problem with you it is their problem.  When you have a problem with someone it is your problem.  

You’ve already acknowledged that you are being triggered because of your past history.  He is also doing the same.  Taking responsibility means owning that this is your stuff coming up and doing some introspection about the source of the reaction, reminding yourself that he is a different person, and getting to the root of the emotional reaction.

Does it come from a need for control or security?  Maybe it comes from a need to be approved of? Or abandonment?  When you realize what the issue really is, then you can begin to break the emotional trance.

Bring yourself into the present moment by becoming aware of the room around you.  Literally “come to your senses” by noticing the colors, feeling your feet on the floor, becoming aware of the sounds going on around you and as you do that ask yourself some questions.

In this moment do I need to be in control?  Do I need to be more secure?  In this moment do I need to approved of?  You may find that in this moment you are secure, you are in control and you are approved of.  Doing this can allow you to let go of the emotional trance and come into the present moment.  Doing this consistently can allow you to break the pattern of the old reaction.

The beautiful thing about communicating how you feel AUTHENTICALLY is that you and your partner do not need to Agree – if you are BOTH AUTHENTIC that is the KEY to real communication, intimacy and where True MAGIC happens.  

Please keep us informed on how this process works for You.

Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew

Emotions Compound!

Its true, when we feel grief, we feel ALL the losses we’ve had.

When we are betrayed we feel ALL of our betrayals.  It is so important to have clear communication with your partner and not let things build up.

Whomever you are dealing with in the moment is NOT responsible for ALL the betrayals, ALL the times you’ve been angry about ______________. 

You see your subconscious mind stores similar experiences in the same way.  So when you feel grief or anger your subconscious brings up the same program from the past about grief or anger.

Your subconscious not only controls those emotional reactions, it also controls approximately 88-90% of all of your behavior.  Not just the habitual things like how you drive a car or how you brush your teeth.  It also controls any behavior that you don’t make a conscious choice about.  That includes your emotions (when was the last time you CHOSE to get angry).

Have you ever said to someone, “You sound just like my mother when you say that!”  Well, guess what that person isn’t your mother and isn’t trying to treat you like your mother, they are just communicating the way they know how.

YOU are the one who is seeing the similarity in the experience and therefore the issue is yours not your partners (You can watch our video below about how to communicate to your partner when that happens).

So, remember to communicate your emotions as you feel them.  And that way you can avoid the big blowups and develop real lasting intimacy with your partner.