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Your Man Is Looking at PORN – Is It Over?

Its not just out there. .  its EVERYWHERE!  From a snapshot of a young ingénue’s snatch as she gets out of a limo, to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by PORN.  Additionally, on the Internet most of it is not only easily accessible it’s FREE! 
 
It’s no wonder there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn addiction.  But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem?  Does it mean that he doesn’t love you or is being unfaithful?  Is there room for porn in your relationship?

What happens when you discover your partner is viewing porn?  Maybe you feel something is wrong with you, or that something is missing in your relationship.  You might begin to question your own attractiveness, or your partner’s level of attraction to you.  

This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence.  Is he thinking about younger, prettier women?  

Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation.

You may wonder, “How can my man look at nude and erotic pictures of other women and still be faithful to me?”  It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you, and to get to the root of what you are feeling.  

One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men are stimulated and the way women are.  

With men sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart.  In essence it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal – neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged.  

When women view porn, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite her desire for fantasy.  Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal!  

We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn and she really felt betrayed.  She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful.  She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings.  How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?

We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress.  For her, it was her own insecurity.  Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings.  Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically.   

Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay.  It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it gave a “WOW! Factor” to their imagination and role-play and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy.  

If your desire is to have a true soul partnership, then no subject is “taboo” to discuss.  When fear shows up within a partnership, walking through that paper tiger of fear and communicating will create deeper intimacy every single time.

If you know your partner is looking at porn, and this brings up negative emotions for you here’s what we’d like you to do:

*Don’t put your head in the sand and ignore the issue.  Ignoring how you feel about the issue will only breed resentment.  You cannot be in a committed relationship and not be able to express how you feel about what is going on in the relationship.  That resentment will build up over time and could doom the relationship.

*Be sure to communicate your feelings to your partner without blame.  Attacking or blaming language will only shut him down.  Follow the template below when communicating with him about this issue.

*Find out from your partner about what he likes about looking at porn.  Maybe that can give you an idea about what, if anything may be missing from your sexual relationship.  

*Know that what you’re feeling is about you, not about your partner.  

Just because your man is looking at porn doesn’t mean that your relationship is over or even that you have a problem in your relationship.  However, it is imperative to the health of your relationship to address your feelings with your man so that you are both on the same page.

Porn can be addictive and there are many great resources to help someone who may have this problem.  To determine if your man has a real problem with porn, please read the post Does Your Man Have A Porn Addiction?

To really make this advice work, follow these action steps.

Right now, we want you to:

Take a few deep breaths.  Put your feet flat on the floor and uncross your arms.  Get in your body and get in touch with your feelings.  

Finish these sentences:
1.   When I think of him looking at porn I feel _____________.
2.   When I think of looking at porn with him, I feel ______________.
3.   I rate my sexiness at a level (1-10) __________.

The first feeling to come to mind is the right answer.  Do not think too much about it.  Be sure you have a feeling statement – rather than a thought.  

Within 7 days we want you to:

Own your feelings and communicate with your partner by utilizing this template:

I feel ____________.
When you _________.
Can we please. . . .     OR  Would you please. . .

For example:

I feel insecure when you look at porn.  Would you please explain to me what is appealing to you about it?

Continue the conversation with feeling statements.  Always beginning with, “I feel _____________.”

This template allows you to own your feelings without attacking or blaming him.  What you feel is about you, not about him.  Remember no one actually “makes” you feel anything.  Our feelings are signals to let us know that there is something in this situation we need to pay attention to.  

Know that he may or may not respond positively to this exchange.  That is not your responsibility.  Your job is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate it.

By the end of 30 days we want you to:

Reflect how these conversations have created deeper intimacy between you and your partner; therefore creating a stronger a bond and a healthier, happier sex life.  See if you can allow room for porn in your sex life – either for him alone, or for the two of you together.  If not, reflect on how to respectfully make that request of your partner.  It is important to know what you require in relationship, and not to sacrifice your needs.  Being able to communicate what you desire and require are key to creating longevity in your intimate relationship. 

Often times in relationship we have expectations.  Sometimes we are not even aware of our expectations.

Last year for Valentine’s Day Matthew and I decided to lay low, spend the day together and keep things low-key.  We didn’t go out of town, or spend a lot of money – with our wedding in October we were on a tighter budget.  So after a day of bike riding and making our own pizza dough for Vegan Pizza we sat down on the couch and I handed him an envelope and small gift. 

Matthew opened the card, the gift, thanked me profusely, kissed me and said “I..uh…I don’t have anything for you.”  Slowly my eyes filled with tears that soon spilled over onto my cheeks like a light rain.  How is this possible? I kept thinking.  Here I was in the best relationship of my life, my soul mate, the easiest relationship ever, and for Valentine’s Day he got me nothing?

The light rain of tears gained the force of a powerful storm and the only words I could squeak out were “I just need to feel what I’m feeling.”  I got up, went to the bedroom and shut the door.  I threw myself on the bed and sobbed like a baby.  It was inconceivable, Matthew had broken my heart. 

Shortly thereafter there was a knock on the door and my Beloved entered with his head low and a heavy heart.  “I am so sorry,” he said with tears in his eyes.  “I thought since we said we were laying low that we were not exchanging gifts. I blew it. I am so sorry.”

I cried in his arms as he stroked my hair and begged for forgiveness.  Finally, I looked up at him and said, “I just never thought you would break my heart.”

The next day I got down to my car to find a note that read, “I love you, Baby and I am truly sorry.  I know that we will grow stronger because of this.  Just know that I am in mourning for your broken heart. Your Soul Mate, Matthew xoxo.”

I had stated on many occasions how much I would enjoy receiving notes, so finding a note on my car – scribbled on the back of a deposit envelope – really did illustrate thoughtfulness and effort. 

Later that evening I was given a card – not a Valentine’s Day Card – rather a simple card with a cookie on the front (when asked what was my favorite kind of cake, my answer is often “COOKIES!”) and a note inside informing me that I am the first-ever recipient of: Orna Appreciation Month!

For the next THIRTY-ONE days I received a card or a note that showered appreciation on one aspect of my being.  For Thirty-One Days. 

I had the expectation of a card.  One card.  What I received was thirty-one cards/notes.  I was thrilled and so excited to receive the first, second, third…oh, and by the fourth I was realizing that I had to literally expand my capacity to receive because Matthew had just gotten started.

There were nights I was so tired and worked so long that I had forgotten completely, only to find a card under my pillow. 

The cards and notes continued and continued.  When I thought, “He must simply be out of ideas,” or “How can he keep coming up with something new?” they continued.  When I was crabby or cranky or dare I label it PMS, they continued.  For a full, longest month on the calendar, I was showered with appreciation. 

The cards were funny, touching, sentimental, they made me cry, they made me uncomfortable because I was not used to receiving this much.  Was I worthy?  Oh, I share with you to my own amazement, I was worthy!  I was worthy of allowing this man to love me. 

Someone told me a long time ago that when your heart breaks it actually breaks open to hold more love.  That is exactly what happened to my heart last year.  Matthew did break my heart, and because of it my heart is bigger and fuller and able to hold more love.

 

Self-Acceptance is the Key to Feeling Loved

 

Which one of these scenarios best describes your experience in relationships?

 

1.  You always find yourself needing to please your partner.  Constantly putting their needs ahead of yours, you find that at times you feel resentful wondering when all of your selfless action will be recognized and reciprocated.  You wish your partner would be able to anticipate your needs as well as you anticipate theirs.  Ultimately, all of this leads to you constantly twisting into a pretzel to receive love.

 

2.  You feel like you’ve been duped in your relationship.  You thought you knew who your partner was until you made that deeper commitment and everything changed.  Suddenly your partner has different opinions than you and begins to express them.  This person is no longer  interested in doing the things that you did during your courtship.  In fact it may seem like you’ve married or moved in with a completely different person.

 

3.  You are extremely attracted to people who reject you.  It seems that the more you are told that you are not right for that person, the more you want to prove them wrong.  You may even begin a process of changing who you are in order to become more like what you think that person wants.  When you meet someone who is attracted to you and likes you for who you are, you are not interested in that person.  You may even feel that person is not worthy of being with you as it would be too easy to start a relationship with them.  You prefer a challenge and like the chase, but lose interest when you get the prize.

 

These may seem like completely different scenarios, but they all point to a common problem – a lack of self-acceptance.  In the first scenario the person lacks an ability to see their needs as valuable.  When we seek approval outside of ourselves we find ourselves twisting into pretzels.  We often think “What shape can I assume that will make me attractive to you?”  This is a game of rejecting who we are and hoping that the new shape we assume will be loveable.  When what we really need to do is to learn to accept all of our qualities, both good and bad, and by finding that acceptance then we can be authentic in relationship with others.

 

In the second scenario the partner in the relationship isn’t purposefully deceiving their partner.  Instead, this is caused by someone thinking that it is not okay or safe to be themselves until they get that deeper commitment from you.  They finally relax and allow their true self to be revealed to you.  This is not usually a conscious choice to deceive you.  It happens because that person does not believe that you would love them for who they really are.  That person lacks a sense of self-acceptance.

 

In the last scenario the problem lies with a sense of worthiness and an inability to receive.  This person seeks that rejection because that is what they feel inside.  Often times when they are in relationship with the person who does love them for who they are, they will sabotage the relationship to prove that they were not worthy of receiving love and acceptance.  The desire to prove themselves worthy to the person who rejects them is really a desire to prove to themselves that they are worthy.

 

Why is self-acceptance so important in your relationships?  Because how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself - self-judgment, self-criticism, etc - effects your ability to be authentic in relationship.  The belief is that if you show your true self you will not be loved.  The problem is if you don’t ever show your true self, then you can never be loved for who you really are.

 

Another problem that arises in relationship that comes from a lack of self-acceptance is that we begin to judge our partner’s behavior and become critical of them.  If it is true that all judgment is self-judgment, then when we are so annoyed by our partner’s behavior we can ask ourselves “Is this a reflection of a fault within my character?”

 

Only by knowing what we truly need to be happy, what we truly need in order to nurture ourselves, can we feel comfortable asking our partners to love us in the way we truly can receive love.  It is in the search for self-acceptance, that all parts of us are worthy of being loved, that we begin to learn to love ourselves.  When we love ourselves it becomes easy to ask for what we want, it becomes easy to enforce our boundaries, and it becomes easy to receive the love we most desire.  That love is what “true love” is all about.