Free Articles

The one thing we all desire is love.  And not just any love, what we truly desire is to be loved for who we really are; to share our life with someone and to feel acceptance from a man who is committed to you.   And yet so many of us struggle to fulfill this desire.

What keeps us from having something that is so important to our happiness?  Usually it’s our behavior that is in conflict with our desire for love.  In order to understand why our true desire is so often sabotaged by our behavior, we have to understand where our behavior comes from.

Upwards of 90% of our behavior is generated from our subconscious mind and our subconscious is responding to our present through the lens of our PAST experiences.  This is why it is so easy to recreate the same experiences over and over and over again.  We learn a strategy for dealing with a situation early on in life and our subconscious applies that strategy to similar situations in the present.  

If our past is filled with heartache because we were betrayed, it’s very easy to attract betrayal yet again.

We hear you, this doesn’t sound like good news. . .

However, once we understand a few things about our hard wiring, we can then focus to create the outcome of our desire – which in this case is LOVE (it will work with anything else that you desire too).

Our ego is committed to Homeostasis – now for those you who either slept through, or ditched science class – homeostasis is the state of keeping things the SAME!  Homeostasis is what keeps your body at a certain temperature, your blood pressure and body temperature within a narrow range, and your behavior consistent from one day to the next.

That’s right, our ego, and every other part of us is committed to keeping things exactly as they are.

Why?

Because right now you are ALIVE.  

Now you may be alive, but you may not be happy, or feeling cared for, or loved. . . and quite frankly your ego doesn’t care.  

Like Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind, should you be able to have a conversation about all this love that you desire would tell you “Frankly, I don’t give a damn!”

Being alive is the priority of our ego and our entire body.  

In order to have LOVE – true soul partnership love – we must be committed to THRIVE!

One way that your ego may sabotage your heart is by convincing you that love must come from ONE person.   No one else can make you feel the way he did.  No one else will treat you the way he did.  These are all lies of the ego.

The Truth is that love is limitless with limitless expressions.  You can choose to create love with any person.  You can choose to feel loved at any moment.  Only our ego stands in the way of love and we look for love in limited ways.

The ego tells you HOW love is supposed to show up in your life.  Your man may show he loves you rather then tell you – and if you are upset that you’re not hearing it, that simply keeps you from experiencing the love he is SHOWING you.  

Our ego also has the need to be right.  Being right and feeling loved are not connected in any way.  When we get stuck in needing to be right in relationship, we fail to see the love that is available to us in the moment.   

Love comes from connection and intimacy and does not require agreement.  

Your ego may also be blocking love because it is holding onto anger and resentment from the past.  Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  Resentment only harms you and your well-being.  

The way out of resentment is to practice forgiveness.  Forgiveness for self and others is a loving act that only attracts more love into your life.  

Become aware of how your ego is getting in the way of you creating love in your life.  By letting spirit be your guide, you can release old patterns and move into limitless love.

Your Man Is Looking at PORN – Is It Over?

Its not just out there. .  its EVERYWHERE!  From a snapshot of a young ingénue’s snatch as she gets out of a limo, to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by PORN.  Additionally, on the Internet most of it is not only easily accessible it’s FREE! 
 
It’s no wonder there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn addiction.  But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem?  Does it mean that he doesn’t love you or is being unfaithful?  Is there room for porn in your relationship?

What happens when you discover your partner is viewing porn?  Maybe you feel something is wrong with you, or that something is missing in your relationship.  You might begin to question your own attractiveness, or your partner’s level of attraction to you.  

This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence.  Is he thinking about younger, prettier women?  

Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation.

You may wonder, “How can my man look at nude and erotic pictures of other women and still be faithful to me?”  It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you, and to get to the root of what you are feeling.  

One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men are stimulated and the way women are.  

With men sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart.  In essence it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal – neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged.  

When women view porn, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite her desire for fantasy.  Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal!  

We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn and she really felt betrayed.  She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful.  She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings.  How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?

We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress.  For her, it was her own insecurity.  Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings.  Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically.   

Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay.  It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it gave a “WOW! Factor” to their imagination and role-play and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy.  

If your desire is to have a true soul partnership, then no subject is “taboo” to discuss.  When fear shows up within a partnership, walking through that paper tiger of fear and communicating will create deeper intimacy every single time.

If you know your partner is looking at porn, and this brings up negative emotions for you here’s what we’d like you to do:

*Don’t put your head in the sand and ignore the issue.  Ignoring how you feel about the issue will only breed resentment.  You cannot be in a committed relationship and not be able to express how you feel about what is going on in the relationship.  That resentment will build up over time and could doom the relationship.

*Be sure to communicate your feelings to your partner without blame.  Attacking or blaming language will only shut him down.  Follow the template below when communicating with him about this issue.

*Find out from your partner about what he likes about looking at porn.  Maybe that can give you an idea about what, if anything may be missing from your sexual relationship.  

*Know that what you’re feeling is about you, not about your partner.  

Just because your man is looking at porn doesn’t mean that your relationship is over or even that you have a problem in your relationship.  However, it is imperative to the health of your relationship to address your feelings with your man so that you are both on the same page.

Porn can be addictive and there are many great resources to help someone who may have this problem.  To determine if your man has a real problem with porn, please read the post Does Your Man Have A Porn Addiction?

To really make this advice work, follow these action steps.

Right now, we want you to:

Take a few deep breaths.  Put your feet flat on the floor and uncross your arms.  Get in your body and get in touch with your feelings.  

Finish these sentences:
1.   When I think of him looking at porn I feel _____________.
2.   When I think of looking at porn with him, I feel ______________.
3.   I rate my sexiness at a level (1-10) __________.

The first feeling to come to mind is the right answer.  Do not think too much about it.  Be sure you have a feeling statement – rather than a thought.  

Within 7 days we want you to:

Own your feelings and communicate with your partner by utilizing this template:

I feel ____________.
When you _________.
Can we please. . . .     OR  Would you please. . .

For example:

I feel insecure when you look at porn.  Would you please explain to me what is appealing to you about it?

Continue the conversation with feeling statements.  Always beginning with, “I feel _____________.”

This template allows you to own your feelings without attacking or blaming him.  What you feel is about you, not about him.  Remember no one actually “makes” you feel anything.  Our feelings are signals to let us know that there is something in this situation we need to pay attention to.  

Know that he may or may not respond positively to this exchange.  That is not your responsibility.  Your job is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate it.

By the end of 30 days we want you to:

Reflect how these conversations have created deeper intimacy between you and your partner; therefore creating a stronger a bond and a healthier, happier sex life.  See if you can allow room for porn in your sex life – either for him alone, or for the two of you together.  If not, reflect on how to respectfully make that request of your partner.  It is important to know what you require in relationship, and not to sacrifice your needs.  Being able to communicate what you desire and require are key to creating longevity in your intimate relationship. 

A Perfect Game in baseball is rare, so rare that more people have orbited the moon than pitched a perfect game.  I have been a huge baseball fan all my life, for those of you are not aware, a Perfect Game is officially defined by 27 batters up, 27 batters down. No hits, no walks, no errors.

It is vital that the pitcher have the support of his teammates because if a batter reaches any base (even on a fielding error) then there is no “Perfect Game.”

Recently a botched call by an umpire cost Armando Galarraga, a pitcher for the Detroit Tigers, an official Perfect Game. . . and the call was on what would’ve been the final out.

So why am I sharing all this baseball mumbo-jumbo with you?

Well, its because of what occurred at Tigers’ stadium the following night.  The umpire apologized to the pitcher with tears in his eyes and the pitcher forgave him.  

They shared a truly beautiful moment.  

On a personal note, I sent a message on Facebook to someone I was not kind to when I was a teenager.  I was delighted to receive a warm response and a “Friend” request.  

The energy of forgiveness holds a high vibration and its energy expands.  

When we hold grudges and hold onto anger and resentment, that energy contracts.  

Who are you holding a grudge against?  

Do you owe someone an apology?

Maybe its yourself?  

When I find I am judging myself I say out loud “I forgive myself for judging myself for _____________,” and then I fill in the blank.  It not only feels good to say it out loud, it puts my entire being at a higher vibration and cancels any negative dialog out of my subconscious.  

So take a moment today and open up to the energy of forgiveness.  Ah, that feels good, doesn’t it?

Do You Know How to Love and Value Yourself?

We are strong believers that your ability to attract love in your life is tied to your ability to love and value yourself.  These practices are at the root of creating intentional love.  When you embrace the idea that your experience in the outer world is nothing more than a reflection of your inner world, then it seems obvious that in order to attract and receive the love you desire you need to create that relationship with yourself first.

I can hear you thinking how great that sounds however, what does that look like in practice?  What actions can I take that teach me to love and value myself?  We’re going to start looking at those practices and how to implement them in the next series of blog posts.

The place to start is to begin to examine your relationship with yourself and ask yourself some key questions:

1.  Do I feel that others are always draining my energy?

2.  Do I have a list of actions or activities that I do regularly to replenish myself?

3.  Do I feel any resentment towards important people at home or at work?

4.  Do I set and enforce my personal boundaries?

5.  Do I know what my ideal day would look like?

6.  Do I speak to myself in a harsh or critical tone?

7.  Do I dwell on past mistakes?

8.  Do I focus on what I haven’t yet accomplished?

9.  Am I holding onto unresolved issues from  the past?

10.  Is there anything that I am unwilling to change or let go of in order to get what I want?

11.  Do I take time for myself away from friends and family?

12.  Do I focus on the present and reward myself for how far I’ve come on my journey?

If you answered yes to #’s 1, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9, or 10 then that is a great place to start making changes.  Pick one of these and add it to your New Year’s Resolution list.  In order to avoid becoming overwhelmed, work only on one at a time and be compassionate towards yourself.  There is no time limit for how long it should take to make these changes, its all a process.

If you answered yes to #’s 2, 4, 5, 11, or 12 then you already have some great practices in place.  If you answered no, then these are great actions to add into your daily life.  Once again it is best to take them one at a time.

So today’s tip is to spend time with this list, notice where you are not honoring your needs or hanging onto the past, notice which practices you would like to develop and pick one to focus on for the next 30-60 days.

Let us know how you’re doing.  We’ve set up a forum topic so that you can support one another and keep track of your progress.  Click HERE to post on the forum.

Love and Abundance,

Orna and Matthew