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Your Man Is Looking at PORN – Is It Over?

Its not just out there. .  its EVERYWHERE!  From a snapshot of a young ingénue’s snatch as she gets out of a limo, to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by PORN.  Additionally, on the Internet most of it is not only easily accessible it’s FREE! 
 
It’s no wonder there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn addiction.  But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem?  Does it mean that he doesn’t love you or is being unfaithful?  Is there room for porn in your relationship?

What happens when you discover your partner is viewing porn?  Maybe you feel something is wrong with you, or that something is missing in your relationship.  You might begin to question your own attractiveness, or your partner’s level of attraction to you.  

This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence.  Is he thinking about younger, prettier women?  

Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation.

You may wonder, “How can my man look at nude and erotic pictures of other women and still be faithful to me?”  It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you, and to get to the root of what you are feeling.  

One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men are stimulated and the way women are.  

With men sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart.  In essence it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal – neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged.  

When women view porn, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite her desire for fantasy.  Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal!  

We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn and she really felt betrayed.  She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful.  She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings.  How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?

We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress.  For her, it was her own insecurity.  Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings.  Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically.   

Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay.  It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it gave a “WOW! Factor” to their imagination and role-play and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy.  

If your desire is to have a true soul partnership, then no subject is “taboo” to discuss.  When fear shows up within a partnership, walking through that paper tiger of fear and communicating will create deeper intimacy every single time.

If you know your partner is looking at porn, and this brings up negative emotions for you here’s what we’d like you to do:

*Don’t put your head in the sand and ignore the issue.  Ignoring how you feel about the issue will only breed resentment.  You cannot be in a committed relationship and not be able to express how you feel about what is going on in the relationship.  That resentment will build up over time and could doom the relationship.

*Be sure to communicate your feelings to your partner without blame.  Attacking or blaming language will only shut him down.  Follow the template below when communicating with him about this issue.

*Find out from your partner about what he likes about looking at porn.  Maybe that can give you an idea about what, if anything may be missing from your sexual relationship.  

*Know that what you’re feeling is about you, not about your partner.  

Just because your man is looking at porn doesn’t mean that your relationship is over or even that you have a problem in your relationship.  However, it is imperative to the health of your relationship to address your feelings with your man so that you are both on the same page.

Porn can be addictive and there are many great resources to help someone who may have this problem.  To determine if your man has a real problem with porn, please read the post Does Your Man Have A Porn Addiction?

To really make this advice work, follow these action steps.

Right now, we want you to:

Take a few deep breaths.  Put your feet flat on the floor and uncross your arms.  Get in your body and get in touch with your feelings.  

Finish these sentences:
1.   When I think of him looking at porn I feel _____________.
2.   When I think of looking at porn with him, I feel ______________.
3.   I rate my sexiness at a level (1-10) __________.

The first feeling to come to mind is the right answer.  Do not think too much about it.  Be sure you have a feeling statement – rather than a thought.  

Within 7 days we want you to:

Own your feelings and communicate with your partner by utilizing this template:

I feel ____________.
When you _________.
Can we please. . . .     OR  Would you please. . .

For example:

I feel insecure when you look at porn.  Would you please explain to me what is appealing to you about it?

Continue the conversation with feeling statements.  Always beginning with, “I feel _____________.”

This template allows you to own your feelings without attacking or blaming him.  What you feel is about you, not about him.  Remember no one actually “makes” you feel anything.  Our feelings are signals to let us know that there is something in this situation we need to pay attention to.  

Know that he may or may not respond positively to this exchange.  That is not your responsibility.  Your job is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate it.

By the end of 30 days we want you to:

Reflect how these conversations have created deeper intimacy between you and your partner; therefore creating a stronger a bond and a healthier, happier sex life.  See if you can allow room for porn in your sex life – either for him alone, or for the two of you together.  If not, reflect on how to respectfully make that request of your partner.  It is important to know what you require in relationship, and not to sacrifice your needs.  Being able to communicate what you desire and require are key to creating longevity in your intimate relationship. 

Here’s a question from Shatz that we feel is so common that we’d like to start a discussion around it…

“Hi first let me say, I love your articles and I use your suggestions an awful lot:)
I just wanted to know one thing I read your article this morning and it was me totally because, I have had very unhealthy relationships in the past. physically,mentally, verbally, sexually abused I work on all of this everyday and try my best to not get triggered when my boyfriend has nothing to do with any of this, He is the most healthiest relationship we have both ever had..But I do get triggered and I remember one time he said, I am not I'll use bob that floored me..I took a step back hurt somewhat and he was right that was a trigger of my past. my question is how do i communicate that with him? I know its not my past relationship but being hurt with words so many times I just can't seem to help my self...please help”

Here’s our answer:

We are thrilled to hear that you are using our tools and that you are in a healthy relationship currently. All of us have past experiences that affect our behavior.  This is such a powerful question because HOW do we separate what is happening NOW vs. what occurred in the PAST.

It is important to communicate how you feel in the moment by following our template:

I feel ___________.
When you _____________.
Can we please ______________?

When you are triggered in the moment, take a deep breath.  Look at your partner.  Communicate your FEELINGS in that moment.  

When you use the template above, you are not only taking responsibility for your feelings, you are offering a resolution.  Sometimes the “Can we please…” can be “Would you please…” if you wish to ask something of your partner to assist you.

We know that when the emotion is out of proportion to the current situation that can be a clue that you’ve been triggered by past events.

The key is to realize that you are the one who is responsible for your feelings, not anyone else.  You have to take that responsibility in how you communicate with your partner.  That is the power in the script we’ve provided.  

Now he may or may not respond the way that you want him to and once again that is not your responsibility.  As long as you are communicating in a way that is not attacking or accusing then you can allow him to react without taking it personally.

Here is an easy way to define it for yourself:  When someone has a problem with you it is their problem.  When you have a problem with someone it is your problem.  

You’ve already acknowledged that you are being triggered because of your past history.  He is also doing the same.  Taking responsibility means owning that this is your stuff coming up and doing some introspection about the source of the reaction, reminding yourself that he is a different person, and getting to the root of the emotional reaction.

Does it come from a need for control or security?  Maybe it comes from a need to be approved of? Or abandonment?  When you realize what the issue really is, then you can begin to break the emotional trance.

Bring yourself into the present moment by becoming aware of the room around you.  Literally “come to your senses” by noticing the colors, feeling your feet on the floor, becoming aware of the sounds going on around you and as you do that ask yourself some questions.

In this moment do I need to be in control?  Do I need to be more secure?  In this moment do I need to approved of?  You may find that in this moment you are secure, you are in control and you are approved of.  Doing this can allow you to let go of the emotional trance and come into the present moment.  Doing this consistently can allow you to break the pattern of the old reaction.

The beautiful thing about communicating how you feel AUTHENTICALLY is that you and your partner do not need to Agree – if you are BOTH AUTHENTIC that is the KEY to real communication, intimacy and where True MAGIC happens.  

Please keep us informed on how this process works for You.

Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew