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With Valentine's Day just around the corner, we wanted to share our process that we use to help you create love on purpose.  We'll outline the 7 stages you need to master and give you some tips for making it happen.

7 Steps to Creating Love On Purpose 

1.  Discover Your Past Patterns in Relationship and Release Them

We learn how to receive love at an early age from people who are flawed.  So we learn that love is conditional.  We then play this pattern out in our intimate relationships.  You must identify this pattern so that you recognize the pattern you are stuck in and what needs to change.  

Once you recognize the pattern, you have to make the conscious effort to end it.  Stop saying yes when you mean no.  Draw a clear boundary and enforce it.  

2.  Forgive Yourself, Forgive Others, and Move On

There is a saying, "Holding onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."  Stop holding onto the anger and resentment of the past.  The only way to do this is to practice forgiveness.

Forgive yourself, forgive the other people who have betrayed, abandoned, and disappointed you.  Discover what the lesson was for you to learn, be grateful to have that knowledge and experience and move on!  Learn from the past, forgive and move on.  Finding lasting love is about what your heart truly desires.

Try this practice:  Hold your hands on your heart, close your eyes and picture the person you wish to forgive (it could be you).  Say to that person, "Please forgive me. I'm sorry. Thank you. I love you," over and over again until you feel the energy shift.

3.  Learn to Love and Accept All the Parts of You, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

This means realizing that there are no conditions necessary for you to be loved.  We keep saying it over and over, the mere fact that you exist is enough - you are worth loving.  There is nothing you need to do or be.  Start by loving yourself unconditionally - love and accept all the parts of you - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Start using these affirmations on a daily basis:  "I love and accept myself."  "I am worthy of respectful love."  "There is enough love for everyone, including me."  Say these daily many, many times and watch your life change.

4. Live, Feel, and Express Authentically

Stop twisting into a pretzel to receive love.  If you want someone to love you for who you are, no strings attached, then you must be authentic.  Many of us try to figure out what the other person wants and attempt to become it.  That is a recipe for disaster.  It is also not fair to the person you are with.

Express your feelings authentically.  Take responsibility for them.  Ask for what you want and need.  This is the path to receive love for who you truly are.

5.  Be Committed to Your Own Personal Growth (Never Sacrifice Yourself)

Whatever your spiritual path may be, commit to it fully.  This is your path to wholeness.  Only by becoming whole yourself will you attract another whole person.  In relationship, water seeks its own level - if you want to create a lasting relationship, do the work to move forward on your journey and you will surely meet your partner along the way.

Start a practice of inner child dates.  Take your inner child out once a week doing something that s/he would love to do.  Let your inner child pick the activity.  This will help you get back in touch with an important part of yourself and create a new rapport with yourself so that when you are in a relationship you will not abandon you.

6.  Make A List of Qualities You Desire in a Partner And Embody Those Qualities

Be very specific.  Focus on values, personality traits and internal qualities, not on physical traits or external qualities.  If it is important that your soul mate be successful, then focus on the qualities that made him that way, not the amount of money he makes.   Then go through the list and ask yourself: "Do I hold/have this quality?"  If not, how can you cultivate it? 

In order to manifest what you desire you must first vibrate at that frequency.  If you are looking for a man to fulfill parts of you that are lacking, then you are creating a co-dependent and unhealthy relationship.  Become whole and attract another whole person to you.

7.  Visualize and Manifest What You Desire 

If we can't see it we can't create it.  This is a truth for everyone.  If you don't know what a true soul partnership looks like, you can't create it.  Get clear on what it will look like for you and focus on that vision everyday.

Love is not something that happens accidentally.  You aren't going to bump into the love of your life in the supermarket and intuitively know how to make it work.  Love, just like anything important, requires you to be intentional and take action on those intentions.  Taking the time to implement these changes in itself is a bold act that will create love in your life.  

Are you in relationship with an addict?  Are you a recovering addict trying to get back into a relationship?  Watch us talking with Andrew and Judah at Klean Radio about addiction and relationship:

 

Are You Stuck in the “Lie” of Love?

At some point every single one of us has been caught in the “LIE” of LOVE.

The lie of love that says we can only have love with this one person.  The lie of love that fears we can only receive love in this one way.  The lie of love that says we will never feel “this way” with another person.

It is easy to get stuck on the details of the past.  We all spend time revisiting the loving memories and the heartbreaks of old relationships.  What we forget is that our memories are malleable.  They change with time.  We recreate them and alter them every time we revisit them.   The more we nurture these memories, the more we get attached to the lie.

This lie of love keeps us stuck in the past.  It keeps us stuck in our pain and heartbreak.  It keeps us from being able to receive love from anyone else.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the lie of love is an illusion.  We decide that love has to exist in our life exactly the way we want it.  Our love has to arrive on our time schedule or else it is not love.  Our love has to make us feel a certain way or else it is not love. Our lover has to express their love in a specific way to us or else it is not love.

This is the path to disappointment, pain and loneliness.  And this path is perpetuated in literature, on TV, and in movies.  The Truth of love is so much more freeing – it is easier and allows us to receive what we truly desire.  When we step into the Truth then we become the Master of Love!

What if we could be free from that lie and step into the TRUTH of LOVE?

The Truth of love is that love is everywhere.  Love is created by you.  No one can give you love, because it is always yours to have.  Love has limitless expressions.

We’re not referring to some abstract idea of love.  We mean feeling loved each and every day.  Receiving that love from your soul mate, and giving that love in return.  

The Truth of love is that love is your birthright.  You were born perfect and whole.  You simply have forgotten that Truth in the pain of experience, so you’ve been trying to become whole again through another person.  You’ve been trying to feel complete through another person.

The only person who can complete you is you.  And the way to do that is to realize that there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not broken.  You don’t need to be fixed.  The truth of love is found in self-acceptance.  Shining the light of love on those dark places inside of us.

It is time to change our relationship to those old memories so we can release ourselves from the lie.  Look for the golden nugget in each past relationship.  There is a gift for you to take away from your heartaches.  Finding that gift allows you to grow and your love for self to expand.  

Examine the ways in which you reject yourself.  How often do you negate or reject your feelings by not expressing them?  Maybe you hold back your true self and present a version of yourself that you believe will be more likeable or acceptable.  You will not be loved for who you are until you start loving yourself for who you are.

When you learn to love yourself then love is available to you in each and every moment, and you can create love in your life under any circumstances, then you can experience the Truth - Love is inside of you and limitless.

When we get stuck thinking that LOVE is in the details – we set ourselves up for disappointment. We enter a relationship with hope – and that hope is the last thing to go.  Only by releasing that hope (the hope that says love can only be fulfilled by this one person, at this time, and in this one way) can we open up to all the possibilities that love has to offer us.  

What if every time your heart broke, it actually expanded and allowed room for more love to enter?  When we release the lie, we welcome all our experiences as an opportunity to love ourselves more deeply.  When we experience Love from inside of us, then and only then is it reflected back to us through the eyes of our Beloved. 

Dating, Dialog and Discovery!

I find it interesting how much effort and energy is often put into “where to meet people” when we’re single.  I have found with my clients. as well as from my own personal experience, its not about WHERE you are, but more about WHO you are being.

Dating is important for one reason that most people overlook – PRACTICE!

In order to change the patterns that you’ve been living over and over again in relationship its imperative for us to practice that new way of being in the world.

When I was internet-dating I had set one clear intention – to discover things about myself.  

If I met someone I was interested in, then that would be icing on the cake.  My clear goal was to pay attention to who I was being.  How was I different when I was meeting with someone I was attracted to, versus someone with whom I had no spark?  How did the presence or lack of that spark shift my internal dialog?

Often times with our clients the desire to find “the one” by internet-dating comes up again and again, and we respond “Its just practice!”  (This is true whether the dates come from the internet, or in “regular” life.)

Take that in.  

If it is truly just practice, then how would that change your relationship with you?  

Ultimately you cannot say or do the “wrong” thing with the Right Person.

When we desire love, we look for it outside of ourselves, yet it must be INSIDE us in order for it to be mirrored back to us.

Years ago, I married myself.  I went down to Venice Beach and bought a plain solid silver band, went out to the beach and promised to Love, Honor and Cherish ME!  It was incredibly fulfilling and nurturing.  Each time I looked at that band, or felt it on my finger, it was a constant reminder of that promise to myself.  

Nurturing yourself during the search for love is NOT optional.  

If you are truly in a place where you really don’t get out to meet new people, that’s okay.  Practice with the people in your life; friends, family, and co-workers.  Start to pay attention to what you would like to shift and then practice.  Do you judge?  Do you get angry?  Do you run through what may happen later in the day while you take your morning shower – only to realize that the dialog you’re having is not the one you want, but the one you fear?  

The real KEY to shifting on the inside is to pay attention to what you are saying to yourself about yourself.  Notice the negative dialog and change it to positive comments that you believe.  Pay attention to your inner dialog the way a marathon runner pays attention to their pace.

Discover what you would like to be saying to yourself and say that instead.

Often times in relationship we have expectations.  Sometimes we are not even aware of our expectations.

Last year for Valentine’s Day Matthew and I decided to lay low, spend the day together and keep things low-key.  We didn’t go out of town, or spend a lot of money – with our wedding in October we were on a tighter budget.  So after a day of bike riding and making our own pizza dough for Vegan Pizza we sat down on the couch and I handed him an envelope and small gift. 

Matthew opened the card, the gift, thanked me profusely, kissed me and said “I..uh…I don’t have anything for you.”  Slowly my eyes filled with tears that soon spilled over onto my cheeks like a light rain.  How is this possible? I kept thinking.  Here I was in the best relationship of my life, my soul mate, the easiest relationship ever, and for Valentine’s Day he got me nothing?

The light rain of tears gained the force of a powerful storm and the only words I could squeak out were “I just need to feel what I’m feeling.”  I got up, went to the bedroom and shut the door.  I threw myself on the bed and sobbed like a baby.  It was inconceivable, Matthew had broken my heart. 

Shortly thereafter there was a knock on the door and my Beloved entered with his head low and a heavy heart.  “I am so sorry,” he said with tears in his eyes.  “I thought since we said we were laying low that we were not exchanging gifts. I blew it. I am so sorry.”

I cried in his arms as he stroked my hair and begged for forgiveness.  Finally, I looked up at him and said, “I just never thought you would break my heart.”

The next day I got down to my car to find a note that read, “I love you, Baby and I am truly sorry.  I know that we will grow stronger because of this.  Just know that I am in mourning for your broken heart. Your Soul Mate, Matthew xoxo.”

I had stated on many occasions how much I would enjoy receiving notes, so finding a note on my car – scribbled on the back of a deposit envelope – really did illustrate thoughtfulness and effort. 

Later that evening I was given a card – not a Valentine’s Day Card – rather a simple card with a cookie on the front (when asked what was my favorite kind of cake, my answer is often “COOKIES!”) and a note inside informing me that I am the first-ever recipient of: Orna Appreciation Month!

For the next THIRTY-ONE days I received a card or a note that showered appreciation on one aspect of my being.  For Thirty-One Days. 

I had the expectation of a card.  One card.  What I received was thirty-one cards/notes.  I was thrilled and so excited to receive the first, second, third…oh, and by the fourth I was realizing that I had to literally expand my capacity to receive because Matthew had just gotten started.

There were nights I was so tired and worked so long that I had forgotten completely, only to find a card under my pillow. 

The cards and notes continued and continued.  When I thought, “He must simply be out of ideas,” or “How can he keep coming up with something new?” they continued.  When I was crabby or cranky or dare I label it PMS, they continued.  For a full, longest month on the calendar, I was showered with appreciation. 

The cards were funny, touching, sentimental, they made me cry, they made me uncomfortable because I was not used to receiving this much.  Was I worthy?  Oh, I share with you to my own amazement, I was worthy!  I was worthy of allowing this man to love me. 

Someone told me a long time ago that when your heart breaks it actually breaks open to hold more love.  That is exactly what happened to my heart last year.  Matthew did break my heart, and because of it my heart is bigger and fuller and able to hold more love.

 

I Had an Affair. . .

No, it wasn’t with Tiger Woods!!  But with all of the revelations coming out (and who knows what is real and what isn’t), I can’t help but think of those women and what was going on with them.  You see I can relate.

Yes, its true, in 1989 I met a man who I thought, wished and hoped was my soul mate and he was already taken. . . and we had an affair for many years, too many years.  It was a reflection of how little I valued myself. 

I see it now (with 20/20 hindsight) very differently than I did at the time I was experiencing it. 

At the time I was in AGONY! 

At the time I was living the role of the Victim. 

At the time I did not love myself respectfully.

I even knew he had others.  I used to ask him how many were in his “Bull Pen.” 

I thought “If only I was ____________ enough, he’d be devoted to me.”

I was the definition of insane: Taking the same action and expecting a different result. 

I am sharing this today, not because of the revelations about Tiger Woods. . . but rather so you can reflect on how You are VALUING YOURSELF.

What do You REALLY WANT?

What do you SAY you Want, and yet do not allow the space to RECEIVE IT?

I could not have met my soul mate while I was involved with this married man.  There was no space for him in my life.  I would not have recognized him.  I was not ready.

I had to prepare.

It is true – to have intentional love you must be PREPARED! 

I wasn’t prepared to meet this married man.  I was drawn to him like bees to honey.  I was obsessed with him – literally AND figuratively.  This was NOT Love.

Wherever you might be with your relationship with yourself it is possible for YOU to HAVE IT ALL! 

I know this because I lived it.  I transformed my life.  I went from Victim to Victoria!

In matters of the heart, we want to follow our heart.  Fill your heart with LOVE.  Self-Love.  Take the best possible care of YOU.  Have the relationship you wish from another with Yourself.

Listen to your deepest desire and take ACTION toward that result.  Do not settle for less.  YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL!

It starts with evaluating your relationship with You.  Pay attention to how you treat yourself and if you are not sure, look at how the people closest to you are treating you – they are simply a mirror for what is going on inside.

Look at the questions in our previous post.  How are you treating yourself every day?  Is it loving and supportive?   

If you truly want to have LOVE in your life – the Real Deal – then create that feeling in your life currently.

My life changed dramatically when I told Mr. Married to lose my phone number and forget my name.  I meant it.  I moved on. 

There was a time that I thought I had given Mr. Married the best years of my life.  Now I am living the BEST YEARS of my life with my Beloved.

You can have this too. 

 

 

Do You Know How to Love and Value Yourself?

We are strong believers that your ability to attract love in your life is tied to your ability to love and value yourself.  These practices are at the root of creating intentional love.  When you embrace the idea that your experience in the outer world is nothing more than a reflection of your inner world, then it seems obvious that in order to attract and receive the love you desire you need to create that relationship with yourself first.

I can hear you thinking how great that sounds however, what does that look like in practice?  What actions can I take that teach me to love and value myself?  We’re going to start looking at those practices and how to implement them in the next series of blog posts.

The place to start is to begin to examine your relationship with yourself and ask yourself some key questions:

1.  Do I feel that others are always draining my energy?

2.  Do I have a list of actions or activities that I do regularly to replenish myself?

3.  Do I feel any resentment towards important people at home or at work?

4.  Do I set and enforce my personal boundaries?

5.  Do I know what my ideal day would look like?

6.  Do I speak to myself in a harsh or critical tone?

7.  Do I dwell on past mistakes?

8.  Do I focus on what I haven’t yet accomplished?

9.  Am I holding onto unresolved issues from  the past?

10.  Is there anything that I am unwilling to change or let go of in order to get what I want?

11.  Do I take time for myself away from friends and family?

12.  Do I focus on the present and reward myself for how far I’ve come on my journey?

If you answered yes to #’s 1, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9, or 10 then that is a great place to start making changes.  Pick one of these and add it to your New Year’s Resolution list.  In order to avoid becoming overwhelmed, work only on one at a time and be compassionate towards yourself.  There is no time limit for how long it should take to make these changes, its all a process.

If you answered yes to #’s 2, 4, 5, 11, or 12 then you already have some great practices in place.  If you answered no, then these are great actions to add into your daily life.  Once again it is best to take them one at a time.

So today’s tip is to spend time with this list, notice where you are not honoring your needs or hanging onto the past, notice which practices you would like to develop and pick one to focus on for the next 30-60 days.

Let us know how you’re doing.  We’ve set up a forum topic so that you can support one another and keep track of your progress.  Click HERE to post on the forum.

Love and Abundance,

Orna and Matthew