This week’s dating question comes from Denise:
Dear Orna and Matthew,
I was dating a man two months ago that broke up with me because I just wasn’t spending enough time with him. After the first date he emailed me and told me he stayed awake all night thinking of me and he really thought I was the one. He gave me a dozen red roses on our next date, called me beautiful, sweetie, and baby. He also gave me Xmas gifts after knowing me three weeks and wanted me to spend the weekend with his older children at the beach for new years. I told him he needed to slow down, asked him to stop calling me these names every second and kept thinking I just was not use to a nice guy. My gut said something was not right but I tried. He would text me 20 times a day during work, fly home and have to come see me that night after a business trip, etc. everything I wanted but just so quick it just felt fake. Now I sit here alone asking myself after 12 years of being divorced…why? Here was a man that showed he wanted me and I pushed him away. I am 56 and feeling like it just is not ever going to happen for me. I have tried Match several times, been In a few long term relationships, one verbally abusive, I finished a dual bachelor degree last year, good job, own my own home and I am alone. Why did I push what seemed to me a nice guy away but too good to be true? I listened to most of your daily love talks and I sit here feeling scared to get out there again…but scared to not try.
It seems like you want to make yourself wrong when you, by your own admission, felt “something was not right” and that it was “so quick it just felt fake.” If it doesn’t feel good then it is not right for you. What gets our attention is how you immediately began second guessing yourself and deciding that it won’t happen for you.
What if this relationship was evidence that you are worthy of being loved and that the right man is that much closer to you? The meaning that we give events determines how we feel about them. You’re choosing to interpret the outcome of this relationship as a failure. When you could just as easily see it as a success.
Look how powerful you are! You attracted a man who was so crazy about you that he knew instantly you were the one. He gave you roses, constantly texted you and couldn’t wait to see you when he came home from a trip. You must be an amazing woman to inspire that reaction in a man.
This doesn’t mean that he was the guy for you. Just because a guy is crazy about you doesn’t mean you have to be crazy about him. When you stay with someone because you don’t know if anyone else will love you as much as he does, then you have low self-esteem and don’t see your own value. Start loving yourself as much as this guy loved you!
Some guys come on strong. They fall in love quickly and want to move forward quickly. This is usually a form of infatuation, but it isn’t fake. The question is can he sustain it over the life of a relationship? Or does he struggle when the bloom wears off the relationship?
In the future, if a guy comes on strong like that, make sure you ask for what you need. He may be certain about you, but you don’t have to be certain about him right away. Ask for space in a way that makes him feel good about giving it to you. The way to do this is to always take responsibility for your feelings and your actions. Talk about how you like to take time to get to know someone. Don’t mention what he is doing “wrong.”
Your next steps are beginning to let go of the belief that it can’t happen to you. It can! However, you have to make yourself the focus of your life. Love yourself and the man who can love you the way you desire will show up.
Keep us posted on your progress.
Love and Abundance,