Now that you’re older and ready to approach love differently, do you know what your relationship goals are? Creating healthy, lasting love doesn’t just happen magically. It comes from learning new love and relationship skills.
Whether your relationship status is divorced, single, or complicated, you recognize that the way you’ve been approaching love and relationship hasn’t been working for you. The simple answer is that the people you’ve been in relationship with just aren’t ready for the kind of love you desire.
Or you could look deeper and see if you can discover how your strategies and beliefs have been contributing to your struggles.
The myth of accidental love is that when you meet the right person it just comes together magically. The two of you never fight. You fit each other perfectly like a glove. If only it were that easy.
Long-term monogamous relationship is not instinctual, intercourse is. Monogamy is a social construct that society has decided is beneficial. And when it is approached consciously it can actually be quite magical. Creating a great relationship could be one of the most fulfilling parts of your life.
You’ll need to develop new skills in order to create magic in your love life. Long-lasting love relationships have been proven to be the secret to success in every part of your life.
While relationship goals like having children or buying a house together may or may not be part of your plan, having relationship goals that help your love last will benefit you no matter your age or circumstances.
11 Relationship Goals For Grownups Ready For True Love
If one of your relationship goals is to be loved for who you really are, you have to show up as who you really are. This means communicating your authentic feelings.
So many people twist into a pretzel trying to get someone to like them. Or are afraid to speak up and ask for what they want because they don’t want to rock to the boat. Show up authentically. Speak how you feel and make requests.
Do this from the beginning and you’ll never wonder whether or not someone likes you for who you really are.
Dating Like A Grownup
If one of your relationship goals is to date more effectively, then start dating like a grownup. This means that you slow down the dating process and take your time before exclusivity and commitment.
Most people date backwards and give the benefit of the doubt to a stranger. This happens when you let your feelings of attraction and chemistry cloud your judgment.
Slow down. Date more than one person at a time. Delay exclusivity so you give yourself time to discover who the handsome stranger is. Don’t let your hormones decide for you.
Creating Healthy Boundaries
Is one of your relationship goals to no longer lose yourself when you partner up? Creating and enforcing boundaries is the key to a healthy relationship.
Make sure to take time for yourself in the early stages of your relationship. Someone who is interested in a relationship with you will be willing to give you the space you need. Be sure to refuel yourself first if you have a habit of sacrificing your needs.
Giving to get is a recipe for anger and resentment.
You don’t get love from another person. You share love with another. Take time to fill your own cup and serve from your overflow.
Taking Responsibility For What Is Yours
Is one of your relationship goals to have a respectful relationship? Responsibility is the key to respect.
You are not responsible for the moods and feelings of your partner. You can’t make someone happy. Nor is someone else responsible for your happiness.
Here is a simple equation for knowing what is your responsibility: If someone has a problem with you, it is their problem. If you have a problem with someone, it is your problem.
Of course, this equation assumes that you have no ill intent towards that other person. Take responsibility for any annoyances and frustration you may feel about your partner. This will keep your relationship out of the tug-or-war of a power struggle.
Take responsibility for what is yours and you’ll create the space for your partner to do the same.
Letting Go Of Judgment
If one of your relationship goals is acceptance, then let go of judgment. Judgment is one of the biggest blocks to lasting love.
Your partner will have different strategies for dealing with life and its challenges. He will have come from different circumstances in his family. He will have had different struggles on his journey to lasting love.
Judging those differences only creates separation between the two of you. Instead, get curious about him and seek understanding. Allow space for your partner to have different strategies than you do. This leads to creating harmony when you are both able to shine through each of your strengths.
Treating Your Partner With Kindness And Compassion
Is one of your relationship goals to be loving and to feel loved? Start by treating your partner with kindness and compassion.
Speaking harshly, criticizing your partner’s flaws, or judging his behavior are all ways that you can create distance between the two of you. Often times your communication with your partner mirrors your inner critical voice about yourself.
Imagine your partner as a little child who is struggling to get love from his parents when you feel the desire to criticize him.
All human beings will revert back to old strategies in times of stress. When someone is triggered their conscious mind goes offline and they are no longer thinking logically.
Have compassion for that little child inside of your partner. Have compassion for the little child inside of you. Speak with kindness and love and you’ll create an atmosphere where it is safe to make mistakes allowing love to flourish and deepen.
Learning How To Fight
Does one of your relationship goals include the desire to grow your love over time? If so, then you’ll want to learn how to approach an argument or disagreement in a way that creates a deeper connection between the two of you.
All couples fight, even soulmates. Some couples escalate while others simmer in a cold war. Recognizing how your disagreements are creating distance between the two of you will get you on track for creating a deeper connection.
It is common to judge and blame your partner when you are triggered. Take responsibility for your strategies for dealing with conflict. Communicate your need to take a break when you find yourself on the verge of escalating.
A conflict can be a doorway to a deeper connection when you focus on communicating your feelings and concerns, instead of focusing on why your partner is wrong. Intimacy does not come from agreement. It is created when the two of you are authentic about your own emotional stories and take responsibility for your triggers.
Focusing On Shared Values
If one of your relationship goals is for long-lasting love, focus on choosing someone who shares your values. Many people look for someone who shares their interests and hobbies and overlook the importance of shared values.
You can survive almost any challenge with your partner when you know that the two of you are on the same page. Just because you both like traveling or country music doesn’t mean you’re in agreement about the importance of communication or family.
Taking your time through the dating process allows you to discover how he spends his time, energy, and resources. This gives you insight into what is important to him. Having hypothetical conversations about values won’t reveal the truth. His actions are a better indication of his values so these are discovered over time.
Committing To Lifelong Learning And Growing
Does your relationship goals include the desire to grow together? Make a commitment to your own lifelong learning and growth.
Relationships can stagnate when you fall into a routine together and don’t try to learn new behaviors or strategies for dealing with recurring conflicts. Deciding that you are willing to learn, grow, and become a better person for your partner will keep the two of you on a path to creating a deeper and more fulfilling relationship.
Relationships are a living, breathing system that requires attention to stay vital. Growing apart over time only happens when the two of you stop being curious about each other.
Setting Aside Time For Just The Two Of You
If your relationship goals include keeping the spark alive, then you will want to set aside time for the two of you outside of your jobs, your kids, and your other responsibilities.
Your desire for your partner can fade over time if you don’t nurture intimacy. Set aside time for just the two of you. Create a weekly date night.
Create a practice of keeping the bedroom just for sleep and sex. Don’t talk about work, the kids, or other problems in bed.
Regularly communicate your needs and desires. Create a safe space between the two of you where you can explore new ways to connect. This will allow intimacy to flourish between the two of you.
Making Relationship Goals A Priority
You make time for your career, your hobbies, your kids, and your health. Putting time into your relationship will pay off with a romance that will grow over time.
Don’t let the struggles of life and the tendency to fall into habitual ruts cause the two of you to drift apart over time. Outside forces can only drive a wedge between the two of you if let them.
Regularly communicate about and update your relationship goals and make them a priority in your life. You will create a relationship that is a refuge from the stresses of the world and gives you the strength to overcome whatever struggles come your way.
Do you have trouble believing that you’ll find a partner who is as committed to you as you are to him? Join our Facebook Group “Common Sense About Love” where we share the secrets to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love. In this group, we host special events and you’ll receive exclusive access to us and a supportive community, all devoted to the idea of creating lasting love.
Orna and Matthew Walters are TV’s favorite dating and relationship experts. They uncover subconscious blocks to love so that you can select an ideal partner to share your life with. Follow them on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.