This week's question comes from Terry:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
With the holidays approaching I’m just dreading being single. The rest of the year, I’m okay with it. My life is full, I go on plenty of dates, I love my life… once the calendar flips to December it’s like I become a different person… super anxious and uncomfortable getting to know someone new.
I’m stressed out about being single. I hate going on first dates until after Valentine’s Day and I’ve often taken all my profiles down from Thanksgiving through mid-February.
There must be another way, please help!”
Thank you for reaching out and for asking for help. There is another way to go on dates through the holiday season feeling good about yourself and your life rather than becoming stressed out and antisocial.
Here Are 5 Dating Tips For The Holiday Season And Beyond:
- Have Zero Expectations
It’s easy to prepare to go on a first date imagining that things will go swimmingly and you’ve met your Beloved. Instead, we suggest you go on first dates with curiosity about the other person, and zero expectation that it will go anywhere.
Make the goal on these dates to have fun – nothing more.
This is easy if there’s no chemistry, and will be harder to do if there are sparks. Keep yourself in check by not leaping into the future. Stay in the moment and make a plan for after the date. Have somewhere to go and keep those plans no matter what.
If the date goes very well, and he invites you to move on to another location to continue the date be sure to let him know that you’d like to see him again, but you’ve made other plans. Be sure to spell it out, because if you just share that you can’t go he may think you’re not interested in seeing him again.
A great mantra to say to yourself when you meet someone you’re really attracted to is: “This or better.” If it works out with this person, that’s great. If this person ends up not being your “One,” then you know that someone better is just around the corner.
Take the pressure off needing a date for New Year’s Eve by making plans with friends or choosing to stay in and creating a vision for what you’re creating in 2019.
This will also help release any expectation that a date in December will end up being your special New Year’s Eve date. Don’t make any assumptions about what may be next with anyone.
The best part of not having any expectations is that you will be relaxed – and that is sexy.
- Go To Parties – Lots Of Them
Every single person you meet knows other people you’ve never met before. The holidays are a great time to go to parties. Accept all the invitations your calendar can handle.
Meet people. Talk with people. Ask questions. Flirt.
If you’re a shy person, make a pact with one of your single girlfriends to go out and help each other meet new people. This way you can be her “Wing Woman” and she can be yours.
Your job as the Wing Woman is to start a conversation with a guy and then introduce your friend to him when/if she walks by. You both get to mingle through the party and meet a lot of new people.
Even at a party where you know a lot of people, make a pact with yourself to focus on meeting new people.
Another great strategy for opening up a conversation with someone you don’t know is to ask questions. Being curious about other people is attractive and most people like to talk about themselves. By being open and curious you’ll come across as open and approachable, allowing you to expand on the number of people you connect with.
If you’re at a party with more women than men, don’t fret. These women you don’t know yet have brothers, cousins, co-workers, and friends. Just because you’re out to meet men, doesn’t mean you can’t make a new friend who introduces you to your Mr. Right.
- Plan A Party Where Everyone Brings A Single Friend
The holiday season is a great opportunity to plan a party where everyone has to bring a member of the opposite sex who is unattached.
Share the idea of having zero expectations and invite your single friends and have them spread the word. All guests are single and must bring another single friend of the opposite sex.
Everyone can play the White Elephant Game where the gifts are silly and fun. If there is space, have a dance floor and upbeat music. Go to your local Dollar Store and get some goofy party favors. Don’t forget the mistletoe!
You can also plan your party at a bar or club on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. This will ensure that the venue has room for your group keeping things casual and fun.
Limit your drinking to one alcoholic drink or forgo the alcohol altogether. With a clear mind you can concentrate on implementing these new strategies instead of falling into your old patterns of behavior.
Be in the giving spirit! Focus on your guests having a good time, and you’re bound to have one too.
*Bonus Tip: If you’re not drinking alcohol have a non-alcoholic beverage on hand. Soda water with a wedge of lime is an easy alternative that will keep people from offering you a drink.
- Manage Your Mindset To Stay Positive
The biggest issue in your question about dating over the holidays lies in the way you are thinking about it. Putting a lot of pressure on yourself to find someone before New Year’s Eve or putting your focus on how everyone seems to have someone else and your stuck alone will guarantee that you end up feeling bad about yourself.
The holiday season is a great time to focus on how much love there is around you. People are generally happier and friendlier during this time so put a smile on your face and spread the love. Be open, generous, and helpful and you’ll feel so much better about yourself and your situation.
Be mindful of your inner dialog and find things to be grateful for. If you already have a gratitude practice find ways to up the ante, and if not, it’s a great time to begin one.
You talk to yourself all day long and tapping into this inner dialog is the first step to find where positive change can occur. Discover what you are saying to yourself about yourself and change the negative things to positive ones.
Give yourself an affirmation like, “The holidays are a great time to meet people and have fun!” or “I love spreading love everywhere I go!” and repeat it to yourself throughout the day.
Decide to become one of Santa’s secret elves spreading love and joy everywhere you go. The more fun you have with it the easier it will be.
- Redirect Negative Chit-Chat To A Positive Topic
Misery loves company and that is oh so true when it comes to first dates. Everyone loves to share their dating horror stories. While this can be good for a laugh, it starts things off on a negative note, and ultimately you don’t learn anything about each other. Rather than exchanging horror stories, change the conversation to goals and dreams.
With the New Year around the corner ask questions about what your date plans to do differently, or what vision they are creating, or new places they want to travel to.
Do not get sucked into thinking you have to answer every question you’re asked; you can simply redirect away from sharing misery and misfortune, to what you desire and enjoy. Tell your date you choose not to focus on dates that have gone awry. Instead you enjoy meeting all kinds of new people, even if you don’t hit it off.
Look over this list and make a decision to implement at least two of these new strategies. You’ll find that your dating life will be more enjoyable, your attitude about dating and the holidays will improve, and you’ll feel more excited about the upcoming New Year.
Take the pressure off yourself. Dating over the holidays is really no different than any other time of the year. Stay curious, release expectations, be open to having fun, and manage your mindset.
Love and Abundance,
Looking for more tips to Bring In Your Beloved®? Download our free special report here: 7 Major Mistakes Single Women Make That Block Them From Finding True Love… and how to avoid them.