This week’s question comes from Vivian:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
Please pick me! I would so appreciate you answering my question ASAP!
I’m feeling super melancholy with the holidays here and I’m still on my own. I love my life, I love my independence, I have great friends and family… what I don’t have is my Beloved.
As I look around it seems everyone is partnered up. My friends and co-workers are all with their special someone. This time last year I vowed I would find that special guy this year and now I find myself coming to grips that is not very likely with only a few weeks left in the year.
Your newsletter was so great last week with all the great dating tips for the holiday season and I was all ready to go out and meet people. Not sure what switched my mood, but now I want to crawl under a rock.
What to do when I’m feeling blue? I’d love to get back in the holiday spirit.
I sure hope you pick my question to answer because I’m ready to do whatever you suggest.”
Thank you for reaching out, and most of all for asking for what you want! You asked us to pick you and answer your question as fast as possible – so here you go:
5 Tips To Shift Your Thoughts And Your Mood:
- Honor Your Feelings
It is clear to us that part of why you are feeling blue is that you set a goal last year and yet, here you are, still single. It is entirely appropriate that you feel a bit sad and melancholy about that. Instead of trying to ignore that feeling, honor it.
Your Emotional Guidance System is separate from the thoughts in your head. Your emotions are body sensation and they are a signal so you know what is going on with you. ALL of your emotions are appropriate.
When you’re feeling blue it’s important to feel those feelings even if they bring up discomfort.
What you choose to do with the discomfort, the actions you take (or don’t take) are entirely up to you. This is the place of power – you get to decide how to behave.
Most people attempt to discredit their emotions when they are feeling badly and want to rush to feeling better. We suggest you don’t rush. Let the feelings be what they are because ultimately they are temporary.
When we feel good we’re never delusional enough to think those good feelings will last. Yet, when we feel badly our mind lies to us, and we imagine that we’ll be stuck with those icky feelings forever.
Think of your emotions like waves crashing to shore. Some are big, some are little, and they come in sets. Each wave will recede after coming ashore. This is true of your emotional waves as well; they will subside.
Simply allow yourself to feel ALL the feelings you have. When you do this you are honoring yourself. Your emotions are a part of you and by feeling them you are taking a stand that you count, and you matter.
Many of our clients spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about how other people feel and disregard their own emotions. They end up feeling angry and resentful that no one seems to care about them. You must care about yourself first and foremost. Ultimately, you teach everyone you meet how to treat you. That begins with how you treat yourself.
Perhaps you decide to have a pity-party for yourself. Just like any other kind of party – schedule it. Put time in your calendar to feel all the sad feelings that this time of year stirs up for you, and be sure you include an end time.
When the time comes for your pity-party to be over, check in and ask yourself if you need more time. Adjust if necessary. You may find that you don’t need that much time, and once you give yourself permission to feel your feelings you move through them quicker than you imagined.
- Have A Meditation Practice
A regular, daily meditation practice is one of the most powerful tools for connecting to yourself and to source allowing you to re-center yourself each day. Separating yourself from your daily thought patterns opens up a space of peace and quiet that comes from within. From this quiet space your intuition will blossom and you will feel more grounded and connected to yourself.
Meditation allows you to be in the present moment and take control of your own mind. There are many different styles of meditation, and we recommend that you try out a few different practices before choosing one long-term.
Our monkey-mind likes to linger on the past focusing on mistakes or regrets, or leap into the future and imagine outcomes that bring us anxiety and stress. We can get caught up in these thoughts and create mental and emotional stories that feel real – just like vivid dreams we have at night while sleeping.
Meditation allows us to disconnect from those stories, finding the empty space in between. In this empty space lies the peace and joy that we desire.
The thoughts we think are a habit. Many times our clients ask us, “Why did I think that?” as if the reason we have a thought is because our mind or intuition is trying to tell us something. The truth is our thoughts are simply a habit – we’ve trained ourselves to think them. When you teach your mind to be quiet, you have access to deeper truths about yourself and your life.
Having a meditation practice allows you to discover many things about your own mind and allows you to find a way to simply unsubscribe from your habitual thinking. This gives you the opportunity to step into your personal power so you can choose your thoughts allowing you to create a life you love.
Try this simple practice. Set an alarm for 5-10 minutes. Sit with your back straight either cross-legged on the floor or in a straight-backed chair with your feet flat on the floor. Rest your hands palms up on your upper thighs near your waist and gently close your eyes.
Without trying to control your breath, observe your inhale and exhale. Repeat a simple “I am” mantra in your mind with each breath. Breathe in “I” and exhale “am.”
Your mind will begin to travel to the past or the future. Instead of engaging in a conversation with these thoughts, be in the moment and ask, “I wonder what I’ll think of next?”
Wait for your next thought. When it comes repeat the question to yourself, “I wonder what I’ll think of next?” You can shorten this phrase to just “Next” as you get more comfortable with this practice.
As you observe the process of thoughts arising and fading, waiting for the next thought, turn your attention back to your “I am” mantra. You’ll find that your thoughts will begin to quiet and a feeling of peace will come over you.
There are many benefits to a regular meditation practice. Top of the list is being connected to yourself. Creating connection with yourself is essential to being able to connect with your life partner.
- Change Your Environment
Your environment can greatly affect your mood and your feelings. A simple change of location can do wonders to shift your feelings.
Do you have a favorite place that lights you up? Does being in nature lift your mood?
Getting up and moving your body and surrounding yourself with an environment that is peaceful will break you out of the funk you find yourself in. Visit a church or a museum. Find a quiet place to sit and observe your surroundings.
If you live near a beach, a forest, or some mountains, take a break and go for a hike. Go for a walk in your neighborhood.
If you are stuck inside because of cold, inclement weather you can change your environment with music. Turn on your favorite song and take a dance break. Turn down the lights, light some candles and put on something peaceful and relaxing.
Or perhaps you want to shake things up and boogie – turn up the volume and get your body moving to a rhythm that feels good!
Scents can also be a powerful tool for changing the energy around you. You can purchase a diffuser and some essential oils, scented candles, or you can burn some incense or sage. Choose a scent that fits the mood that you desire to create.
A decadent bubble bath can wash the blues away while you soak in a warm tub with equal parts Epsom salts and baking soda. Or pick up some bath bombs and allow yourself to be immersed in the indulgence. You are worth taking time to invest in your emotional state! Once again, it’s a way of honoring and valuing yourself.
- Bring Conscious Awareness To Your Daily Thoughts
One of the most powerful tools is to become aware of what you are saying to yourself about yourself. We all have an inner dialog about ourselves and our current circumstances. Becoming aware of this internal conversation will put you back into your power to choose more useful thoughts.
Your inner dialog is constant and is a habit that you’ve created over time. Your moods don’t arrive out of thin air. It is your inner dialog that triggers your negative emotions.
We call this the “Think, Feel, Do Cycle.” First we think something, which triggers an emotion, which then affects the actions (or inactions) we take.
It’s common for people to not even be aware of the thought that came before the feeling. Becoming aware of the thoughts that trigger your emotions allows you to then slow things down so you can make a new choice.
You cannot change anything you’re not aware of.
This is your mental/emotional pattern, and by simply changing the negative thoughts to positive ones you take control of your life.
Once you’re aware of your inner dialog, ask yourself, “Is this true?”
This may seem silly, however, you may be repeating thoughts to yourself that you’ve been saying for decades. These things may have once been true and may not be true any longer. It’s also common for you to have internalized the critical voice of a parent and these thoughts may have never been true about you.
Question your inner voice. Do not accept its judgment and perspective of you as true.
Taking control of your inner dialog by selecting the thoughts you say to yourself about yourself can change your entire world. What you believe is true is true for you. So choose your thoughts wisely and make changes accordingly so you can be in the driver’s seat of your own life.
- Attach A Deeper Meaning To All Of Your Tasks
Your life may be full of tasks that you dislike, like having to do this or that for others that count on you, or simply to remain employed and receive a paycheck. We all have to do things we may not enjoy.
Rather than losing yourself in these mundane tasks, assign a deeper meaning to every action you take.
Nothing has meaning except for the meaning you give it.
You are assigning meaning to the events of your life and the actions you take whether you do it consciously or unconsciously. Here’s an easy and inexpensive way to change your life forever: Focus on being of service.
Imagine that everything you are doing, you are doing for a greater purpose (God, the Universe, Jesus, Mohamed, Krishna, Allah, whatever you believe in).
Doing the dishes as an act of service is a much different experience than the drudgery of keeping them clean. If your job is tedious, ask yourself how you can be of service to those around you in your office. Decide that you are going to be a force for good in the world around you with every action you take.
The world is full of magic and you can tap into this power by simply making the choice to do even mundane tasks with purpose. When you regularly take actions in this manner you’ll find that like attracts like.
Even doing your laundry can be an inspiring experience if you combine some of our suggestions above by playing some upbeat music, managing your inner dialog to only positive thoughts, and choosing to be of service to yourself by getting your clothes clean and neatly putting them away.
As you take these new actions and regularly put them into practice, you’ll be surprised by synergistic events. Being at the right place at the right time. Meeting someone new who can assist or support you in doing something you thought would be nearly impossible. Even connecting with someone for a date.
You are the only person in charge of your happiness. Do not abdicate that power to anyone – whether you are in a relationship or not. Focusing your efforts on 1 of these 5 suggestions will powerfully transform your life and put you in charge of your mood.
*Tip: Pick one of these and implement it until it becomes a habit. Then add in one more, until it becomes a habit, and so on. You need not do all of these at once to experience the benefits.
We are here to be your guides to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.
If you’d like to create immediate changes in your love life watch our free webinar, Why Love Is Easy For Some And Hard For Others by registering here.
Love and Abundance,