Divorce can be one of the most difficult experiences of your life. So the prospect of finding love after divorce can feel daunting. Do you really want to get out there and risk your heart again? Are you ready to let yourself feel vulnerable and open to love?
What if we told you that your divorce was actually one of the most profound things that you have experienced and that coming out the other side you would be able to create a relationship that could stand the test of time? Whether you are still holding onto hope from your marriage or feeling hopeless about your prospects moving forward, you can forge a new path and a more fulfilling and lasting partnership.
The secret to finding love after divorce is in using the end of your marriage as a powerful tool of learning and discovery.
The Gift Of Your Divorce: 9 Secrets About Finding Love After Divorce
It Is Perfectly Okay To Feel Like A Failure
You didn’t get married thinking that things were not going to work out. You had a belief that this was your partner for life. That’s one of the reasons you got married in the first place.
It is perfectly normal and okay to feel like a failure when your marriage doesn’t work out. Whatever the circumstances that caused the two of you to call it quits, part of you probably feels like you did something wrong. You weren’t committed enough. You didn’t try hard enough. You didn’t see the obvious signs that something was wrong.
Whatever happened, you are no longer the same person you were before, and you have to reconcile your hopes and dreams with this new reality.
Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Take time to grieve. Feel all of your feelings. It may feel like you will never feel happy again, but the only way out of what you are experiencing is to go through it. There is nothing wrong with any of your feelings. They are not bad. They are human, so allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions.
The path to finding love after divorce requires you to move through your feelings so that you can release yourself from the guilt and shame that what you had hoped would last did not.
Compassion And Forgiveness Are Your Friends
The truth is that if you knew how to do things differently, you would have. You were doing the best you could with the resources you had in the moment. Your partner was as well.
You may feel anger or judgment now but holding onto those feelings is only going to keep you stuck in the past. The only way to release that judgment is to develop compassion for yourself and your ex.
Forgiveness releases you energetically from the relationship. It requires a conscious choice to release your hurt, anger, and resentment, whether or not your partner deserves it. It doesn’t condone or excuse bad behavior (nor should you just forget what happened).
Forgiveness and compassion for yourself allow you to accept that you are not perfect, but that you are perfectly human. Accepting yourself as you are opens the door to changing what no longer works for you moving forward.
As long as you are holding onto anger and resentment you are stuck in the past and blocking yourself from finding love after divorce. When your heart breaks, it breaks open to hold more love. Compassion and forgiveness are your tools for expanding the love in your heart.
Your Struggles Make You Stronger
Anyone who lifts weights at the gym knows that without resistance you cannot build muscle. Maybe you’ve heard an entrepreneur’s success story and they shared how they had to overcome poverty growing up. Talk to anyone who has addiction issues, and they’ll tell you that they are a better person for having addressed and mastered their addiction.
Emotional strength and resilience come from having experienced something difficult and overcoming it. Courage comes from facing the issues in your life and not backing down or giving up.
Life will always have challenges and divorce is one of the greatest challenges you will go through. The internal strength you discover will give you the endurance to keep on keeping on. Finding love after divorce requires that you learn and grow from your heartbreak.
Pain Can Be Your Motivation
It is our struggles in life that motivate us to change. You don’t take on a new exercise program and a healthy diet because you already feel energized and strong. You make changes because you get bad news from your latest blood work, or you feel sluggish and uncomfortable in your clothes.
Your divorce can motivate you in the same way. Finding love after divorce requires that you look closely at your patterns and strategies in relationship and make some upgrades. The key is using your desire to avoid the pain of the past to motivate you to get it right next time.
Ultimately, the good times are the reward for you doing the work to change your past patterns. You can find love after divorce and you can create a much more loving dynamic between you and your partner.
Taking Responsibility For Your Half Gives You The Power To Change
You are not 100% responsible for your marriage ending. However, you are 100% responsible for your 50%. Whether you are taking too much responsibility for what happened or whether you are blaming your partner, taking responsibility for your half gives you the power to change.
You are not responsible for someone else’s behavior, but you are responsible for the choices you made. Beware of justifying your behavior because your partner did something you didn’t like.
If you are having trouble knowing what is yours and what belongs to your partner, use the responsibility equation. It goes like this:
“When someone has a problem with you, it is their problem. When you have a problem with someone, it is your problem.”
Own your stuff but don’t blame yourself for your partner’s failings. When you take responsibility for your behavior, finding love after divorce becomes a journey of growth and courage.
Discover What Your Marriage Can Teach You About Love
All of your experiences in life can be valuable teachers. They can show you where you need to develop better skills or strategies. Your experiences can reveal areas where you can become more emotionally mature or resilient. They can also shine a light on areas where you have grown and become a better partner.
Examining your marriage and what you learned from it (or what you still need to learn) will move you forward on your path to the lasting love you desire. It can also help you feel gratitude for your ex because without that experience you wouldn’t have become the person you are today.
This is one of the most empowering steps you can take to finding love after divorce. It keeps you from feeling like a victim and empowers you to create meaning from the events that have motivated you to change for the better.
It is a natural human tendency to look back on past events and find patterns and meanings in those events. When you focus on learning and growing from those events, then you can never be a victim to your circumstances.
Get Clear On The Type Of Relationship You Want
By now, you’re probably clear on what you don’t want. You don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past. However, that is not a good blueprint for creating something new.
What you really want is not the opposite of what you don’t want. Instead, create a vision of love and relationship that inspires you and brings you joy. Become crystal clear on the type of relationship you desire. This way you can deselect anyone that doesn’t fit your vision.
When creating your vision, focus on the dynamic you desire between the two of you. Don’t get caught up in unimportant details like height or interests. Your heart doesn’t care what color someone’s eyes are or whether they like the same books you do.
Finding love after divorce requires that you focus on how you two fit together and whether or not you have the ability to navigate conflict together. Chemistry is important, but it shouldn’t be the most important factor. Just because the two of you have a lot of chemistry doesn’t mean that you’ll share the same values.
Approach Love And Dating In A Whole New Way
You’re not going to find a new healthier love by using the same strategies you used to find your ex. Dating after divorce is a different experience altogether because you are no longer the same person.
You’ll want to upgrade your dating strategies and date like a grown-up. The best way to uplevel your strategies is to date a lot of different people. This also gives you the opportunity to practice your new relationship skills. Don’t dive in too quickly and never give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Use dating to discover where you still have room to grow and improve.
Slowing things down and dating more people will actually speed up the process of you finding a new love that can last. Take your time before jumping into exclusivity and get to know someone before making a deeper commitment.
If you keep committing quickly, you’ll spend a lot of time in short term relationships and always feel like you have to start over again. This doesn’t mean that there are any guarantees when you do make a commitment, but you’ll be in a better place to learn and grow from each of your experiences.
Choose from a combination of your head and your heart and you’ll always be choosing wisely.
Remember That Love Is Always A Risk Worth Taking
There are no guarantees when it comes to love. None of these steps will protect you from ever being hurt again. But they will give you the tools to keep moving forward into healthier, more loving relationships along the way.
Human beings are social creatures by nature. Your soul craves connection with a special person. Don’t let fear stop you from opening your heart and taking a risk on love. You can certainly be single and happy, but if you really want to thrive in life, you’ll want to share your life with the love of your life.
Finding love after divorce is possible for you. In order to make it last be sure to take the steps to heal your heart, learn from your past stumbles, and discover gratitude for your divorce. You may find that your split with your ex was the greatest gift you could have received.
If you are struggling to move on from your divorce and can’t seem to stop thinking about your ex, then check out our downloadable program, The Burn Your Baggage Formula. This guided program will help you heal from all the hurt, shame, guilt, and anger you can’t seem to let go of. You can discover more about this program here.
Orna and Matthew Walters are TV’s favorite dating and relationship experts. They uncover subconscious blocks to love so that you can select an ideal partner to share your life with. Follow them on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.