This week's question comes from Marybeth:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I have been reading your weekly love notes for years. There so much great information you two share. I love getting both a male and female perspective. Today I’m reaching out because despite the fact that I’ve done a lot of personal growth work on myself I can’t seem to settle in with a nice guy.
Everything starts off great, there’s chemistry, and I enjoy the getting to know each other part of the relationship, but then things get very boring for me. I get restless. I start thinking about my exes…. not that I want any of that drama back in my life.
My mind wanders… I start to wonder if there is something wrong with me.
My past is full of toxic relationships with controlling men. Is it possible that I can’t settle down in a ‘normal' relationship?”
Thank you for reaching out. Your situation is more common than you may think. We are all conditioned from our experiences, particularly the ones we have in our family of origin when we are young. The decisions we make about ourselves and the meaning we assign to these events set the stage for how we are in relationship for the rest of our lives.
Addiction to drama ultimately creates an endless stream of struggle in your life.
Knowing that you’ve had toxic relationships in the past clues us in that there is something deeper going on here rather than just boredom from the mundane. Wanting excitement in your life is not a bad thing – there are many ways for you to have that.
It’s when the experience of what love should feel like to your subconscious mind is a mismatch to what your heart desires that creates the problem. Certainly the solution is not another toxic relationship.
Addiction to drama means:
You won’t ever feel satisfied in relationship.
You’ll end up being the rescuer or needing to be rescued.
You’ll be in constant judgment (of yourself and any partner).
You live in constant triage – managing all the fires around you.
You’ll never have time to focus on long-term goals.
There are a lot of benefits – or what we call “goodies” with this makeup. It’s easier to focus on someone else as the problem instead of looking in the mirror.
All of our behavior has positive intent.
Take time to look at the INTENT of your choices. What were you attempting to achieve? Feel? Do?
Looking at the results of our behavior – or lack there of – only leads us down the path of more judgment. When you look at the INTENT you will discover information about what is important to you and what you need.
The bottom line is that if you want to live a life of balance – one that creates peace and joy – being addicted to drama will block you from the love you want.
Doing the inner work to unravel the familiarity of drama and struggle and it’s connection to love in your subconscious mind will free you from this pattern. This is the way to freedom!
Once free you can create the love that you desire rather than selecting what is familiar to you. It is possible for you to have a peaceful, loving relationship that is still vibrant and exciting for you.
One of the first steps you can take is to change the idea of dating “nice” guys to dating men who are kind. Nice can be a cover. Kindness is a virtue.
The journey of healing this emotional wound is the journey to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.
Love and Abundance,