This week's question comes from Vicki:
Hi Orna and Matthew,
I’ve been delving into so much of what you two share and I’m realizing so much about myself. The truth is; I'm still terrified of losing myself in a relationship. How do I insure that I won’t go back to that old behavior again?
Thank you for letting us know our messages and teachings are supporting you to make positive changes. That really means so much to us.
Here's another truth: You will continue to have that fear until you actually BEHAVE differently when you're in it to win it.
You might lose yourself, and that wouldn't be the end of the world, you just course correct, and course correct, and course correct.
Think of how a plane flies from LA to NY – it doesn't fly in a straight line – not even close! It's a constant course correction for the pilot. So you are the pilot. If you go off course, be kind and compassionate with yourself and course correct.
We do this in other areas of our life all the time, and yet somehow when it comes to love, and our how we are with our heart, we have this unrealistic expectation that we'll get it done “perfectly.”
Think of yourself in this practice just like when your kids started to learn to walk. They fell down a lot, right?! Did you say to them, “You loser, why are still falling down? You took two steps yesterday, surely today you can take 4 or 5!”
No, we know you didn't do that! So don't do that to yourself either. You're learning to do something new. Something you have NEVER done before.
You will “fall down.” That's okay, just stay on course. We did not reach some kind of “perfection” state to come together (we are laughing at the thought). We bumbled and stumbled through… we just did all that bumbling and stumbling together and mastered communication tools so that we could communicate authentically. We fell more and more in love over the course of revealing our shortcomings (along with all the other yummy good stuff).
Having the realization that you have let yourself down in the past by self-abandoning is a HUGE revelation! You will catch yourself doing it again, and the time that it takes you to have that realization will continue to get shorter and shorter and shorter.
It might be that one day you’ll have the awareness right BEFORE you take that old action and you’ll take a new one instead. That is the moment that you will solidify the new understanding into a new behavior.
The most important element in this process is what your inner dialog is throughout it. Be the most kind, the most loving, the most compassionate that you can be.
We are motivated in two ways – either towards inspiration or away from discomfort. Away from discomfort will get us erratic results. So making this change into a toward inspiration motivation is the recipe for long-term success and permanent change in behavior.
If you desire to go in-depth with changing your inner dialog, releasing the past, and mastering communication tools join our 7 module online course, The Science of Creating Love™.
This program guides you to discover your past patterns, transform them, and then create a new vision of what love means to you. This new vision will show you how to keep and enforce your boundaries in your intimate relationships.
You can read more about The Science of Creating Love™ here.
Love and Abundance,