“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I’m hoping you can help me because I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I picked you two because I think you give the best dating advice for women – I’ve read ALL the other blogs. I also like that I get a point of view from each of you.
So here’s where things went wrong…
I met a guy online who lives in another state and after about a month of “Skype Dates” he flew to meet me over a weekend.
The really weird part is that the first night we were out, after having a great time dancing together we stopped into a bar and my ex was there with his wife. I’m over him… but it really through me for a loop.
It was late, we decided to leave and as I waited with my date for a cab, my ex came out to have a smoke and said, “Hello.” Of course my date asked me about him, and I told him that he’s a friend.
I was surprised that when I got home that I cried myself to sleep. I’m getting better about feeling my feelings and I think the tears were not about my ex so much as the fact that he’s with someone and I’m still not 3 ½ years later…
My date flew home, we had a nice weekend overall, but he told me he didn’t feel a connection and just wants to be friends.
Ugh! What is a gal supposed to do? I feel like I’m falling behind… most of my friends are married with kids now… I want a family of my own too.
Thank you for reaching out to us, we really appreciate you sharing and being vulnerable with us. We agree that sometimes it just sucks that things don’t happen for us in the timeframe we desire. There are some things that are out of our control – what we call “Divine Timing” is one of them.
Certainly there is an element of divine timing that comes into play when two people meet… and then make a commitment, and continue to choose each other again and again through the decades. The meeting event feels magical – and all the Hollywood movies and romantic stories lead us to believe that it was simply “meant to be.”
Creating connection with another person is a skill. One that can be learned! Please do not mistake this for “chemistry” – that is either there or its not. So this idea of connection is very different from the spark of attraction that we want to have that goes along with finding him attractive.
Instead, we’re suggesting you take a good look at how you choose to behave in the getting to know someone period. Right from the start!
It’s very telling in the little bit that you shared with us that when your date asked about the guy who said, “Hello” you didn’t tell him the truth. He’s not a friend. That guy is your ex boyfriend. It was awkward. It was uncomfortable. And not knowing what to do you relied on old strategies – ones that you likely learned as a very young girl in your family of origin.
You brushed it off and told him a little white lie, “Oh he’s a friend.”
It’s not the “little white lie” part that is the problem here – it’s that you didn’t speak your truth. You felt awkward – that’s appropriate! That’s the place to share with your date – YES EVEN ON THE FIRST DATE – how you feel authentically in the moment.
It’s counter-intuitive and it’s against all that we’re taught about how to behave – and it is the thing that we bet is keeping you from finding that special guy you want to share your life with.
No one falls in love with someone who is perfect. What is that anyway? Have you met a perfect person?
Of course you have not! We all make mistakes. We all have miscommunication (even if we’ve been married 57 years).
The way to create connection is by being emotionally authentic regardless of the expectations (or perceived) expectations of others.
In coaching our private clients this is most often the place where all the resistance shows up. We’ve heard every single reason (aka excuse) that a person cannot do this simple thing.
It is simple, however it is not easy.
Most of all it takes practice. It’s like working out at the “Emotional Authenticity Gym” and there will always be opportunities for you to get in a good work out.
Please understand that we don’t think you did anything wrong or bad… this guy who came to meet you is not your Beloved. If he were, the two of you would have worked it out.
You cannot mess it up with your Soulmate.
The very first ebook we published is called, Recognizing Mr. Right and the subtitle: You Can’t Say Or Do The Wrong Thing With The Right Man.
So in order to create connection we must risk and be authentic. Let’s give you an example of what that would’ve been like on that date:
Guy: So who was that?
You: Oh, I feel a bit awkward, that was my ex…
What would’ve happened next is a mystery…
You two could’ve shared a laugh. And maybe he’d tell you a funny story about bumping into an ex on a date. Or any number of things could’ve occurred and all of them would have given you the opportunity to be unapologetically YOU!
When we are not authentic and don’t speak up about what is really going on with us we close ourselves off. There is no room there for connection to grow from there. Just awkward… ICK!
Through the dating process, and especially in the beginning, BE YOU! Express yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!
We like to say, “Let Your Freak Flag Fly So Your Beloved Can Find You!”
Your Beloved will love that thing about you that all the others left you over. He will cherish you, and love all the silly things that your ex may have found annoying.
If you really want to know what’s driving your choices in relationship and step up your skillset to create connection, check out our digital program, The Soulmate Shortcut™.
The course walks you through the fastest way to finding the love of your life. No gimmicks. No “magic pill.” A lot of self-examination, learning from your past so you can make new choices that bring you the love you want.
The Soulmate Shortcut™ is often called the DIY program for identifying and transforming your subconscious blocks to love™. Are you ready to step into your authentic self and finally create the love you want?
Here’s a link to a video that explains the whole program in depth:
We are here to be your guides to love!
Love and Abundance,