Follow these steps to end being perpetually single on Valentine’s Day:
Another Valentine’s Day and another year you’re feeling depressed about being perpetually single for so long that you’re thinking about joining a convent. You could celebrate Single’s Awareness Day. Or you could get together with friends and complain about holidays created by greeting card companies and drown your sorrows in another cosmo.
But, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be something to hate or something to avoid. Instead you can use this year to create a plan to make sure you are no longer perpetually single, or from going to one relationship that doesn’t last to another and yet another.
Contrary to what you may believe, the real way to ensure you’re not perpetually single is to set the intention, plan and create a strategy for lasting-love. We know this may sound somewhat unromantic, but love does operate under the same universal laws as everything else in life.
In the same way that you wouldn’t expect your ideal career to simply show up in your life, or to wake up one day toned, fit and beach body ready, the same is true for love.
Yet, somehow we have come to believe that love “magically” happens.
So while you cannot manipulate another person into acting the way you want them to, and yes there are some circumstances beyond your control, you can set yourself up to be lucky in love – if you believe that luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
The way to ensure that you are no longer perpetually single and that your Beloved is in your life next Valentine’s Day is to get serious about how you date. Learning how to be discerning through the dating process will help you find your soulmate in the fastest way possible.
And of course, that has NOTHING to do with luck at all.
The first step is to take a deep dive into your relationship history. Understanding your past patterns and strategies will give you insight into how to approach things differently this time around.
As you do this exercise, you’ll want to examine all of your significant relationships and look for the patterns. Here it’s your emotional investment that constitutes “significant” rather than the amount of time or commitment on the part of your ex. If you were deeply invested, it counts.
Answer these questions and track your replies:
- Who pursued who?
- How long did the relationship last?
- Rate the intensity for you on a scale of 1-10
- Who initiated the breakup?
- What reason(s) were given for the breakup?
Review your answers and look for the patterns and/or commonalities.
Then, ask yourself:
- Are you the one who usually initiates the break up?
- Or are you the one left feeling abandoned?
- When you did not initiate the break up is there a common catalyst given to you by multiple partners?
By exploring your relationship patterns, you gain valuable insight into what worked and what didn’t. Those are the clues that teach you how to do things differently moving forward.
Emotions may get stirred up for you as you go through this process. Feel them. Don’t try to hide from them or ignore them. Allow them to surface and flow through you. They won’t last.
No one ever thinks when they’re feeling deep joy or happiness that they will feel that way forever. However, when we feel badly we think that those feelings will never change and we’ll somehow get stuck feeling badly forever. The truth about all emotion is that it is transitory. Allow the feelings to move through your body, feel them and let them go.
You may find going over your past history that there is still some hurt, anger, sadness, or grief about those situations. These feelings might be attached to the other person, or your own behavior in the relationship and you may have some regrets.
This is a great opportunity to release those feelings and start fresh. One of the most powerful forgiveness practices is a Hawaiian meditation called Ho’oponopono.
Pono in Hawaiian means integrity and Ho’oponopono means coming into integrity with yourself. Doing this practice will allow you to forgive and release hurts and heartbreaks from your past relationships.
To practice Ho’oponopono, follow these steps:
- Place your palms on the center of your chest – your heart center.
- Close your eyes and picture the person you wish to focus on. This may be a past partner or it may be an earlier version of you.
- Say these 4 phrases aloud:
- I’m sorry.
- Please forgive me.
- Thank you.
- I love you.
- Repeat for 5-10 minutes daily.
Releasing your past hurts frees you from your old patterns and allows you to create new ones moving forward. By releasing your past and clearing the emotional deck, you’re ready to start dating again. But this time, you’re going to do it differently than you’ve done it in the past.
Changing your patterns means changing your habits as well as your mind
Most people suffer through dating long enough to find someone they are attracted to and then rush into exclusivity hoping it works out.
We suggest that you slow things down.
Date a lot of people, and date a full range of people. Some that you’re very attracted to, some that you’re not attracted to at all, as well as those in the middle.
But do not rush into exclusivity with anyone. Take the time you need to decide if you’re a fit and what areas are misaligned.
By dating in this way, you create the opportunity to collect lots of data on yourself. Those golden bits of information will ultimately lead you to make better choices and more truthful decisions about who and what makes you truly happy.
When you have a range of attraction, you can garner a truthful set of answers on what feels right to you.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Are you more able to be authentic when you are not attracted to your date?
- When you are attracted to your date do you twist into a pretzel trying to get that one person to like you?
- Do you go with the flow and tolerate things just so that you come across as easy going?
Going on a lot of dates with a variety of people will formulate the vision of the kind of relationship you desire so that it becomes crystal clear. This process will allow you to become more discerning of who you give your heart to so you stop giving it to people who can never love you the way you most desire to be loved.
Remember, the person you are getting to know is a stranger. Don’t put your lovability (or even your likeability) in the hands of someone you do not truly know.
Test the experience
As you are dating, you’ll want to make requests and ask for what you want. Don’t be shy. Equally so, don’t expect the other person to read your mind. The only way to get what you want is to ask for it. You know this at work; apply the same thinking to your dating partner.
When you make requests, pay close attention to how you’re responded to. What happens when you make requests, are emotional, or have a disagreement or miscommunication?
How he behaves and treats you under a variety of circumstances will inform you about the kind of person he is and what it would be like to be in a relationship with him long-term.
And don’t shy away from the uncomfortable conversations. You’ll want to know if the two of you can navigate conflict together. That’s a real part of life and none of us avoids it no matter how much we want to.
Start to draw conclusions about what you really need
All of this data will begin to give you a clear picture of how you want your soulmate relationship to function over the long haul. The longer you practice, the easier it will be to see what you truly desire from your Beloved and what is required for you to create a true soul partnership.
From there, you can more accurately evaluate which guy is a match to your vision and pleasantly walk away from the ones who are not the right fit.
Many dating coaches advise you to create a list of what you want as if you were placing your order with the universe – this magical thinking is a huge part of the problem. It’s impossible to conjure a tall, dark haired, emotionally healthy but sexually adventurous person out of thin air.
And since we live in the real world, where magic and fairy dust don’t produce results at work or with your health, you need to accept that the same is true of your relationships.
When you know how you want your soulmate relationship to function and the dynamic you desire between the two of you, you’ll stop wasting time with the wrong people. Only when your values match with your partner will you create the kind of partnership that can navigate the inevitable challenges that life will bring your way.
Why are mutual values so important?
What often tears people apart is a stressful event or situation that reveals that the two of you didn’t really value the same things. Knowing these important details are so much more important than the kind of movies or music you both like.
You can’t discover what someone values by asking them. You must discover what someone values by spending time with them and paying attention to how they spend their resources. People value what they spend their time, energy, and money on.
For example, someone may claim to value family and yet never make an effort to include you in their family events.
The power of visualization
As you get clear on your ideal soulmate relationship, you want to put some time and energy visualizing yourself living life alongside your Beloved. Hold the vision of what you desire in your mind’s eye often. Begin to act as if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is on his way to you.
All of these steps are the preparation. The opportunity comes when you put effort into meeting new people. It’s then that you get to road test your visualization, values, and patterns to see if the new you lines up with how you interact on dates.
And speaking of dates, look for reasons to say “Yes!”
- Yes to a date
- Yes to online dating
- Yes to go to a party where you don’t know anyone
- Yes to being curious about people
- Yes to being set up on a blind date
Put yourself out there and be curious and open. Be cautious about giving your heart away to a stranger. Date often but take things slowly and invest time to discover who he really is. Make him earn the benefit of the doubt you so lovingly want to give him.
And remember that a guy you meet online and have coffee with may be the person to introduce you to your ideal mate. Every new person you meet knows people you haven’t meet yet. Plus, you cannot spot a soulmate in an in online profile, so stop evaluating whether or not he is your guy based on his pictures or what he wrote. Nothing is real until you meet face-to-face in person. Even video-chat will not enlighten you to know in advance if this guy is your “Mr. Right.” Emotional connection is established when you’re in the physical presence of the other person.
By taking your time through the dating process, you will eliminate the burnout from having short-term relationships that don’t last and going back to the dating pool discouraged and frustrated time and again.
We know that you’ve felt depressed about being single for so long, but we also know there is hope for you to no longer be perpetually single. By following our strategies you can create the opportunity to have the long-lasting, soul-satisfying love you desire. Then and only then will you know for sure that this is the last Valentine’s Day you’ll spend alone.
Orna and Matthew Walters are the premier married couple, Soulmate Coaches teaching around the globe how to choose an ideal life-partner. If you’re tired of struggling to find lasting-love, connect with them for a Soulmate Strategy Session by clicking here.