This week’s question comes from Stephanie:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I’m reaching out because I feel really hurt and I really like the advice the two of you give.
After a few years of not dating at all I decided to put myself out there again and went on a couple dating apps and a dating site. My friends helped me with my profile and my pictures and I was feeling pretty good about all that.
Then the moment came when I published it all and waited to see the guys who would reach out to me.
The 2nd guy to ping me was super hot! I couldn’t believe my luck. We wrote back and forth a few times. Then we spoke on the phone a couple times. He had to leave town for work so we didn’t get to meet in person right away.
After 3 weeks of many phone calls and texts we went on a date. He was a complete gentleman. We had a lovely dinner and took a long walk afterwards. I thought we had great chemistry. At the end of the night he kissed my hand and said he looked forward to seeing me again.
It’s been 3 weeks now and I never heard from him again. I feel crushed. I thought he could be The One. I keep running the date through my mind wondering what I did wrong.
After a week of not hearing from him I took everything down from the dating site and apps. I clearly don’t know how to do this right, so I don’t want to do it at all.
What advice do you have for me?”
We are so sorry to hear your pain and happy you reached out to us for dating advice.
The one thing we want to impress upon you more than anything else is this: You Did Not Do Anything Wrong.
There is also nothing wrong with you. Fact remains that there could be a million reasons why this guy did not reach out to see you again, and all have them have absolutely nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HIM.
The biggest mistake people make when dating is that they put their lovability in the hands of a stranger!
This person doesn’t know you – you talked on the phone a few times, and had one date.
If you are going on dates and placing your lovability, approvability, and acceptability in the hands of a stranger you are setting yourself up to be horribly disappointed over and over and over again.
A person’s behavior informs you about who they are and what they are capable of. Their behavior doesn’t have the slightest thing to do with you and who you are.
Dating is a process that allows a person to cultivate discernment so they can select an ideal match for a relationship.
Unfortunately, most people date backwards – they go on a date with a lot of hope and the minute there is chemistry, and they have all the “feels” (as our nieces say), they jump into a relationship with a stranger.
Hope is a great thing to have when you have nothing else.
If all you have is hope, it’s time to invest in yourself so you feel good about you and all you have to offer – and no need to date until you do feel that you have a lot to offer a relationship.
When you are secure in your lovability – that is a great time to sign up for dating sites and apps and date away! Then you are able to evaluate the person across the table to see if he is a match to the vision of the relationship you desire.
Releasing the unconscious strategies of Love By Accident and implementing conscious tools of Love On Purpose™ will put you in your power and in the driver’s seat so you can create soul-satisfying, long-lasting love.
Take all that hurt you are feeling and know that it is only temporary and that it isn’t all about this one guy. All of our emotions compound, and it’s the most obvious to see how this works with grief.
When we have a loss, we feel all the losses. So your hurt is not just about him. Take some time to journal about the losses you’ve had in the past. See if you can connect the dots to the pattern of this specific pain of heartbreak.
Seeing the emotional pattern will identify for your subconscious mind the pattern of heartache that has been triggered through this event. You can learn to soothe yourself by allowing the emotion rather than resisting it.
The truth about heartache is that when your heart breaks, it breaks open to hold more love! That love is what you must give to yourself.
Give yourself: compassion, kindness, tenderness, and love.
Treat yourself as you would like your Beloved to treat you. Strife to live each day this way – be as kind and loving with yourself as you can be.
This is the path of choosing to love yourself no matter what!
When you’re able to do that with yourself, you will manifest a physical manifestation of that love outside of you in the form of your Beloved.
The love you seek is inside of you – no need to date to discover it.
We are here to be your guides to love!
Love and Abundance,
~Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches for spiritual, successful, resilient women who have everything, except the man of their dreams. Download our free special report here: 7 Major Mistakes Single Women Make That Block Them From True Love… and how to avoid them.