This week's question comes from Marissa:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I’m confused about the differences between a soulmate and a twin flame. Can a soulmate be a twin flame? I’ve read that your twin flame is someone that you have a soul connection with. Isn’t that also a soulmate?
Aren’t twin flame relationships supposed to be healing but difficult? What about a soulmate?
I really want to find that special kind of relationship. I meet a lot of guys who are nice and seem like good men, but I don’t feel that spark of recognition that everyone describes.
I’ve had relationships but none of them felt super fulfilling, I guess I was lukewarm about them. How can I know if I’ve met my soulmate or my twin flame and what do I do when I meet him?
Thanks for reaching out to us and your confusion and frustration about this is clear. There is a lot of information on the Internet about twin flames and soulmates and it can be difficult to know what these labels mean.
Let’s look deeper into what your question and hopefully give you some clarity.
Can a soulmate be a twin flame?
What does the Internet say about twin flames and soulmates?
Twin flames are defined as:
“Twin flames are our perfect mirrors. Relationships with twin flames tend to be on-again-off-again, intensely passionate, and sometimes intensely painful.”
“Twin flames suggests that you both share a shard of soul together.”
“Sometimes discussed in terms of a mirror soul or soul connection, a twin flame is the other half of your soul.”
Soulmates are defined as:
“A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.”
“A soulmate is someone that just gets you. It's a connection of minds, a mutual respect, an unconditional love and a total understanding.”
“Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle.”
Based on a quick Google search, the answer to “Can a soulmate be a twin flame?” is probably not.
Does this help you get closer to the lasting love you desire? We don’t think so.
This obsession with knowing the difference between a soulmate and a twin flame and being able to label your past partners or recognize your future one doesn’t get you any closer to what you really desire.
What you are really looking for is an intentional relationship.
We call the work we do “Love On Purpose™” because we believe (and have seen through countless numbers of our clients) that love can be approached intentionally, just like any other goal in life.
If you know the map (where you are in relation to where you want to be) and the steps along the journey, then you will reach your goal.
We had a client who lives in London, was born in India, and grew up in Hong Kong. She was in her mid 50’s and had never been married or in a serious relationship. She didn’t have a clear idea of what she was looking for but was certain that she didn’t want to date an Asian man. Her experience told her that men from her culture couldn’t accept her as a Western woman.
During our coaching, she had an Indian man who also lived in London reach out to her online. We encouraged her to release her ban on Asian men, and instead to date with curiosity and not rule a man out for some arbitrary reason. She is now engaged to this man after dating for a few years and they are planning their wedding for next year.
Another client of ours lives in a small town in rural South Carolina and was completely turned off by online dating. She had experience with online dating that had her swearing it off forever before she ever started coaching with us. This left her with few options to meet men to date along with growing frustration, as she desired a husband and a family, and her biological clock was ticking away.
With our guidance, she released her concerns and grudgingly gave online dating a try. She is now married to the man of her dreams (who was the second man to reach out to her online) and they have a son together. They share a love of nature and spirituality and work together in her business which is flourishing.
Does it matter if either of these two women labels their life partner as a twin flame or a soulmate?
What do you really want when you say you are looking for your twin flame or your soulmate?
At our recent retreat for Love On Purpose Mastery™, we dove deep with our participants about what they really desire in an intimate relationship.
At some point in the exercise, all of them used the word growth.
When you desire a twin flame or soulmate relationship what you are really describing is a desire to grow and become a better person through that relationship.
It’s important to realize that growth only comes through challenges. To desire growth in your intimate relationship requires that challenges exist for the two of you to overcome together.
We don’t grow when times are good – as those good times are the reward.
In our relationship we look at it like this: We are healing our wounds one triggering event at a time.
This doesn’t mean that you should avoid twin flame or soulmate relationships. It just means that you approach challenges differently when you are cognizant about how you are choosing to approach love.
Many people see conflict as a sign that this person is not their match. Or they avoid conflict altogether and try to smooth over or excuse any possible discord.
When you approach dating and intimate relationship situations with a commitment to being authentic and making requests you will know right away if someone is an ideal match for you or not.
So many people smooth over conflicts at the beginning because they don’t want to scare someone away. We don’t suggest that you initiate conflict or try to manufacture it, but don’t be afraid to speak up about how you feel or what you want.
The right person for you will be glad that you spoke up and will be willing to work it out with you.
All relationships can be healing when you approach them mindfully.
Attraction comes from recognition. Your subconscious mind recognizes a similar emotional dynamic from your childhood and highlights that person. An alarm goes off alerting you, “This is familiar! This is familiar!”
Unfortunately, your subconscious cannot make a distinction between what is familiar good or familiar bad. It doesn’t have the capacity to judge (that only occurs in your big prefrontal cortex).
If you’ve struggled with difficult relationships or making love last, then you may have a faulty subconscious program for love. It’s faulty only in that what is familiar to you is not in alignment with what you desire. It is possible to rewire your brain for lasting-love when you approach dating and relationships mindfully.
Looking over your past relationships, what patterns can you discover?
How do these patterns relate to the dynamic in your family of origin of how love was expressed or not expressed?
The deeper work is in your ability to take responsibility for your stuff and in turn to not take responsibility for someone else’s.
How do you know what you are responsible for and what you are not?
The responsibility equation is rather simple (but not always easy to practice).
It goes like this: “When someone has a problem with you it is their problem. When you have a problem with someone it is your problem.”
Take responsibility for your problems and stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems and your life and your ability to love will completely transform.
Choose love and you will be rewarded.
Choose to be loving with yourself. You are doing the best you can with the resources you have available to you.
Choose to be loving with your exes. They also were doing the best they could.
So were your parents.
Practice forgiveness with yourself and others by having compassion. Forgiveness is for you – not the other person. It frees you from the energetic dance with those who have hurt you. This is how you reclaim yourself and create a new relationship with yourself that allows you to love others more deeply.
You can continue to ask yourself questions like, “Can a soulmate be a twin flame?” but making these distinctions probably won’t get you any closer to what you really desire.
Instead, take a look at the strategies you’ve been using for lasting love and see what steps you can take to be more intentional about love. Or if you’d like the fast-track book a private session with Soulmate Coaches who know what it takes to bring in love and make it last.
Love and Abundance,