This week's question comes from Kimberley:
Orna and Matthew,
I have been reading your weekly Love Notes for a few years now and I think I’m getting clearer on why my marriage did not work, and what I can do differently.
The problem for me is that most men I’m attracted to are much younger than me (by at least a decade and more), and they are players. I know they are not looking for a relationship. The men around my age are nice men, but I just don’t find them attractive.
My dad was a very attractive man who I now know was a womanizer. He wasn’t much for settling down and my parents divorced when I was very young. This must be part of my love blueprint and why I’m stuck.
My friends tell me to date the older men (men my own age) and just deal with it because they are stable and want a relationship. I just can’t get excited over these men… I don’t find them attractive. There is just no chemistry there… I’ve tried and it doesn’t ever grow.
Lately I’ve been just hooking up with the younger guys who I find attractive knowing that I won’t get a commitment. Is that the best I’m going to get?
I think I’m missing something here… can you help me?
Thank you for sharing with us where you are. It’s true that our parents play a role in our subconscious blocks to love. All of us as human beings are quite complex so there are a number of factors that come into play with the system of Your Love Imprint®.
It is made up of our limiting beliefs, our mental/emotional patterns, and our behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love. We like to think of it as a “decision” that we all make as a small child about what is possible for us in love.
Your Love Imprint® was certainly shaped by your relationship with each of your parents, however your disposition toward younger men who are similar to your dad in ways is not something that is genetic.
We can assure you that you are not destined to be stuck forever. You need not settle in one direction or the other.
There are dating coaches out there who tell you to skip chemistry, or not to place too much emphasis and importance on chemistry in your selection process when dating. That’s because they have ZERO skills in helping you change whom you have chemistry with.
It’s possible for you to have a transformation that will release the idea that there are only two kinds of men. We are quite certain there are many, many different kinds of men – not just the young players you find attractive, and the men your age who want a relationship, but who you do not want to be intimate with.
Right now you are stuck in what we call a Double Bind. This is the proverbial, “Stuck between a rock and hard place.” Two parts of you are in conflict and it seems they desire two completely different things.
It’s like arm-wrestling yourself and because these two parts of you are equally matched – you are stuck.
We release our clients from double binds all the time. It’s something that is quite easy actually – because we have the skills necessary to walk that client through the process of having these two seemingly opposing parts come into rapport with one another.
Once you resolve the internal conflict you will no longer be stuck. Other than these two kinds of men will show up for you – there will be a whole new choice, and likely many new choices in the kinds of men you find attractive.
These men exist right now; it’s just that you do not see them. They are a negative hallucination – meaning you do not see what is right in front of you.
Your filtering process – which is controlled by your subconscious – is only showing you more of what you’ve already experienced. That is the job of the subconscious mind because it’s goal is to keep you alive.
Right now you have survived being with men who don’t commit. You may not be happy about it, but you’ve survived it.
In order to truly THRIVE when it comes to love you must be willing to make a commitment to yourself to transform the system in place that is keeping you stuck seeing only these two types of men.
If you’re ready for that kind of transformation then we are the coaches for you! This is our sweet spot for success because the transformative processes that we have perfected will align you with the desire for a relationship and remove this struggle between chemistry and no chemistry.
This is not something you can think your way through. Your conscious brain can understand why you’re stuck, but that won’t change your ability to be attracted to a man who wants to be in a committed relationship with you.
If you’d like to know how we can specifically work with you to remove this double bind along with all of your blocks to love apply for a Your Love Imprint® session with us. During this session we will put words to this system running in your subconscious that is keeping you from the love you want. We will also share ways you can work with us to transform these blocks.
We are here to be your guides to love!
Love and Abundance,