This week's question comes from Krista:
Dear Orna and Matthew,
Thank you for your wonderful work!
Is it okay to ask someone to change their behavior in a relationship? Is this the same thing as trying to change who someone is? I am confused about whether it's okay to ask for what I want, when it in essence requires the other person to change.
What a great question! We hear this from a lot of our clients. “How can I get this man I love to behave differently?”
Well, there is no magic template for getting a person to behave differently. If you discover it, please share it with us… as we would like to use it with some people we know. 😉
Okay, we’re having a little fun…
You can absolutely ask a man to change his behavior. Just know that you have no control over whether or not his behavior will actually change.
It is important that you make requests in your relationships. How else are you going to get what you want? If you don’t make any requests then you are expecting your man to be a mind reader and just “know” what you want and need.
That is not a recipe for a happy, healthy relationship.
Communication is key. Be authentic with your feelings. Ask for what you want and need. Show acknowledgment and appreciation for his actions.
Using primarily “I” language will get better results than “you” language. No one likes to feel like they are wrong or bad in their intimate relationships.
The difficult part is when you do make a request, and then nothing changes. There is no guarantee that your man will behave any differently. He has free will to do and think as he pleases. His responses to your requests will tell you a lot about his ability to give you what you need.
If you are making requests and nothing ever changes, then that tells you what he is capable of, and he is not capable of changing that behavior. If however, he does make attempts to change then acknowledge and appreciate his effort. When asking someone to change their behavior, it is unreasonable to expect perfection. Effort is the key!
People tell us who they are by their behavior, not by what they say but by what they do. We learn about ourselves by our response to their behavior. Do you take it personally that he is unable to make changes for you? Do you feel guilty for making the request in the first place?
So to answer your question, YES it is okay to ASK someone to change their behavior. What happens next? Well that’s what makes relationships so much fun!
If you find that you have trouble making requests or feel guilty doing so, then that may be a block in Your Love Imprint®. Your Love Imprint is formed in your family of origin and it is the subconscious program that not only decides who you feel drawn to create a relationship with, but it also drives a lot of your behavior in your intimate relationships.
When you discover the system of Your Love Imprint®, which includes your limiting beliefs about love, your mental and emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love, you’ll understand why you’ve allowed this situation to go on this long and why it has been so difficult for you to move on.
Watch this video that explains everything about Your Love Imprint® and how our DIY program for discovering and transforming Your Love Imprint, The Soulmate Shortcut™ can help you here: www.TheSoulmateShortcut.com
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,