This week's question comes from Anonymous:
Hi Orna and Matthew,
First of all a big thank you for what you're doing! I have been following you for some time and you give the best straight-forward advice.
I have a few questions I've been wondering about.
First: I've been doing this work on my own about a year and have grown tremendously and I'm so glad I took this path. However I met somebody (lets say: “Z”) last fall but found out that “Z” was taken (I then discovered that my attraction for unattainable people was just my own fear of physical intimacy and the possibility of rejection). I think I'm clear of what I want in love and in relationships. I do visualizations about it but find it somewhat difficult to engage feelings for the person I'm visualizing (and it's hard to put all the qualities I want in at once). Therefore I also have fantasies about the one I met in the fall 'cause it's enjoyable and feelings come easy. Should I stop fantasizing about Z? Does it stand in the way of meeting my true love? I do believe, or at least want to believe, that there's somebody much better for me. After “Z” I became clearer about my dream person, and used “Z” as a guide to what I want (minus the third person of course).
Second: I'm a twenty-three-year-old girl. Is it possible for me to find a lasting partnership at this age? I went to a life coach just last fall and she referred to my age. I know she meant to calm me and remind me that I have plenty of time to find a partner but it made me feel like I was not allowed to ask for love at this age. Like I was too young and love was only meant for people with more life-experience, as if a young person should live “happy” and carefree and only have meaningless relationships 'cause “that's what being young is all about”. But that's not who I am, really. Which leads to the next subject:
At times I feel frustrated because I feel I'm wasting my life and youth unless I have somebody to love, experience and enjoy life with, in all areas. I live away from my hometown and here I have two friends I sometimes spend time with but those friendships aren't so fulfilling. Basically all they do is party, drink and smoke weed when I just want to enjoy the daytime outside, just hanging or playing sports. Those two people still matter to me and I wouldn't like to cut the ties. I'm currently trying to find some more friends via my hobbies.
I feel alienated at times. My friends seem to have strong attachments to all of their dramas. I however know what I want and see no reason to go around like crazy. As a teen this was not a problem for me, but as time goes on and I grow older and older my inexperience bothers me more and more. I feel ashamed. How do I deal with this and simply feel like I’m wasting my time waiting to be older?
Congratulations on pursuing personal growth at such a young age! Many people wait until they are older and have experienced a lot more disappointment before they start to deeply introspect and ask the questions you are asking. We want to encourage you to continue on this path and to recognize that it is a lifelong pursuit. We are never finished learning about ourselves and discovering what brings us fulfillment and joy.
You’ve got a lot of questions so we’ll get to the point in our answers. First, good job recognizing why you were attracted to “Z.” Fear of rejection and physical intimacy is a common fear. Your first step in addressing this is to ask yourself, “Where does this fear come from?” We learn how to receive love from our family of origin (mother and father) and then seek out that feeling subconsciously in our adult relationships.
Your fantasies about “Z” are only keeping you attached to him – both emotionally and energetically. Decide when you are done with these fantasies and move on. Maybe give yourself one more day to indulge in them and then end it. You won’t find the love you are looking for if your heart is not available. We would also guess that the truth of “Z” bears little resemblance to the fantasy.
As for your difficulty in engaging in feelings for the person you are visualizing, turn it around. How would he make you feel about yourself? What specific qualities would he have that are important to you? What are your deal breakers? Get clear on what values are important to you in relationship. Do you value communication? Intimacy? Passion?
The more you become clear on your relationship values and how they inspire you, the more you can let go of the outward qualities of a man. Instead, you’ll be able to see if he fits your values and are attracted to him. Chemistry is not enough, and feelings are not enough. He must match your values for it to be a successful loving, life-long relationship.
You can find lasting love at any age, however, the mistake most often made when people marry young is that they get married before they even know who they are and what is important to them. Do not get married just for the sake of getting married. Get married when you have the tools to make it last. Getting married is easy, however, having a great relationship takes commitment and skills.
As for the shame you feel for your lack of experience, realize that shame is the lowest energetic emotion we can feel. This shame is a big block to you discovering what you want. Take the time to learn a technique or see a professional that can help you release the shame. Whether it is EFT, the Sedona Method, Hypnosis, etc.; there are many powerful tools to assist you, so take some time to discover the most effective one for you, or to work with an expert who can guide you to release this negative emotion.
It is true that you are young, so get out in the world and do things. Meet people. Join a Meet-Up Group, or two or three. It sounds like you need to upgrade your friendships. It is said that we are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with. So spend time with people who inspire you, who have what you want, and let their good habits rub off on you.
Don’t limit your friendships to your age group. Maybe you need some friends who are older, who can also be mentors for you. You can get more life experience AND create great relationships. Don’t wait for the relationship to make you happy because it won’t. Become a happy person and you will have great relationships.
If you want help transforming any negative emotion you feel around these issues, then check out our powerful Burn Your Baggage Formula™. This powerful digital program guides you through transforming negative emotions from your past so that you can live fully in the present. You can read more about it and purchase here: Burn Your Baggage Formula™ It’s an instant digital download so you can get started transforming negative emotion right now.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,