This week’s question comes from Diana:
“Hi Orna & Matthew,
LOVE NOTES WEEKLY is my favorite thing to read each week. I get so much just from reading about someone else’s problem and your reply. Now is my turn.
My husband died 14 years ago and I have been dating ever since, probably starting too soon after my husband died. The kids were younger then and they were a great excuse to not become too involved with any of them. I never actually gave anyone a chance, again, as I have done my whole life, ending the relationship before investing too much into it. My fear of intimacy? My fear of getting hurt? So I would end the relationship before he could or would. That way I wouldn’t get hurt.
Now the kids are older, and after doing a lot of “work” on myself – reading, journaling, cleaning my space and beginning to clear my busy schedule, I am ready to attract my soul-mate. I have one person in my life that I am not sure what to do.
I met Bill almost 10 years ago. He is a great guy and matches so many qualities that I want in my MAN, but we are just “friends.” What I mean by that is that I am not attracted to him physically…..at all. We actually tried it a few times throughout the years, but it just doesn’t work for me. Nothing. I want someone who is PASSIONATE physically and mentally and spiritually. He is not. But he is kind and generous and physically fit and is always there for me. We continue to see each other…just as friends (while we see other people at the same time.) We get along really well, we travel together very well. At the beginning, he paid for most everything, but now I am reciprocating. He loves me and would rather have me without sex than lose me. I have tried to get him to look for someone that he can have everything with. Sex and intimacy is very important to me so I told him that I will keep on looking. He says he is just happy with me no matter what. We go on extended trips as well as just hanging out together.
My questions are these: Am I holding myself back from finding my soul-mate by hanging out with Bill (even though I consider him just a friend)? Am I doing him a disservice by hanging him up with me when he should be also looking for his soul-mate, someone that can also give him the intimacy that he deserves? If I need to let him go, I just can’t bear to hurt him. How can I tell him that it’s over for good? I’ve tried it a few times to try other relationships (that didn’t work out) but he hung in there the whole time.
Can you see my dilemma? This is becoming more of a problem as I desire more and more passionately to find my soul-mate.
THANK YOU for your response.”
Thank you for being a fan of our Love Notes Weekly. We appreciate you reaching out for some guidance from us. We also think that you know the answers to all the questions that you ask us and you are simply looking for confirmation, so we’ll share our point of view.
When we desire to bring in our Beloved it is essential that we say, “No” to everything that is not what we desire. Every stop along the way will nudge us forward as we are meant to grow and evolve, so there is no “wrong” decision.
It is clear that Bill is a great guy, and just because he is a great guy, does not mean he is the right match for you.
The one key question that you must ask yourself is about being attracted to men. If you have had the kind of chemistry with other men that you desire to have, and do not have it with Bill, we believe that Bill is simply not your match.
If you are simply not feeling chemistry with anyone… that is an issue that you must clean up within yourself before you’ll be able to draw in your soul mate.
We wonder about this as you mention not wanting to get hurt and always being the one to end things, so you may have built up a wall around your heart and your soul that you will need to tear down and be able to risk.
Without risk there is no reward.
You write to us that you do not want to hurt Bill and yet is there a more hurtful thing to do to someone than have a halfway relationship when they want more from us?
We suggest that you DATE! Date a lot! Date and discover what it feels like to have chemistry with a man. Feel those feelings that you have denied yourself and allow yourself to be surprised by them.
To answer your specific questions:
*Yes, spending time with Bill will continue to block you from your Beloved.
*Yes, it is unfair to Bill to continue to be his “friend” when he desires more.
Most of all, it is unfair to YOU!
You deserve to have EVERYTHING that you desire in a partner! The ability to create exactly what you want is in your hands. It is not just available to some; it is possible for every one.
Decide that YOU are worth it! You are worth having soul mate love! Settle for nothing less and watch how quickly you change the course of your life forever!
Love and Abundance,