This week's question comes from Michelle:
Hi Orna and Matthew,
My heart is so full of gratitude and love for the advice I am receiving from you.
I enjoy reading or listening to them again and again, so insightful and good.
I am 43 and single parent, was married before and now annulled.
I have a question that is bugging my mind. I met a man and fell in so madly in love with him. We became lovers but he broke up with me when he learned I was having a conversation with a guy on Facebook. It has been 5 months after the break up and that time, there was communication, as he wanted us to remain friends. I agreed as the pain was unbearable. Also, I am rendering accounting services to his business so he wanted me to continue my services to him.
Three weeks ago, I learned that he has a new girlfriend from the same church he is attending. I told him I will be stopping my accounting services and forget being friends. He begged and begged that I will reconsider my decision. He did it many times, visiting my office, my house, calling me, trying to convince me.
For myself, I cried so hard because I was expecting him to come back. Our heart-to- heart talk revealed that he is not sure of his girlfriend, that he wanted me in his life as a friend and help him with his business, that I have to wait for the right time.
I am having very strong feelings for the guy so I at last agreed to his plan. We broke up once before and I was so afraid and don't want to experience the same pain of break-up before. We were re-united after 13 months of not seeing each other.
Now I am really wondering on whether I have made the right decision for myself.
Thank you and God bless always.
We are so glad that you wrote to us because we hear some version of this question ALL the time. Why is it a bad idea to try to be friends with an ex?
At some point almost everyone has had this experience; your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to break up BUT thinks it would be a great idea to continue to be friends. Your response to why you decided to continue friendship with your ex is a perfect example of why it is such a bad idea.
The basic problem is that the relationship is unbalanced. One person wants to remain feeling like a good person and continue to get the benefits of a relationship without the strings, hence asking to remain friends. The other still holds out hope that the relationship may continue and therefore agrees to less than they desire with the hope that things will go back to the way they were.
Do you see how both of you are out of integrity in this situation? You don’t really want to be just friends with him. Would you invite him out to a movie or dinner just to hang out like you would with one of your friends? Probably not without the desire that something more would come of it.
Does he really think that you are okay just being friends? Of course he knows that you desire more, and by choosing to remain friends he is keeping your broken heart from healing.
It is time we all stopped this ridiculous habit of “remaining friends” with our exes unless both people are really clear that neither of them wants anything more.
Each of us are friendly with some of our exes. In fact, some guests at our wedding were an Ex that converted to friendship long before our relationship with each other. We knew without a doubt that we were friends and that no one had any expectation or desire for anything more.
Your best action is to cut him off for a minimum of 6 months while you focus on healing your broken heart. If, after you have taken the time to heal, you feel like having him as a friend (or as an accounting client) then you can reach out to him. However, if you still feel like it would be too painful, then do not reconnect with him.
Hope is the first thing to enter a new relationship and the last thing to leave. It is time to kill the hope that this relationship will work and begin to focus on healing yourself so that you can find a healthy relationship that will last.
Whether you are currently in a relationship trying to decide if you should stay or go, or you’re stone cold single this in-depth 7-module program contains our most powerful processes to create change on the subconscious level.
Click Here to learn more about The Science of Creating Love™
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Love and Abundance,