One of the most enjoyable parts about dating is getting to know someone new and discovering what makes them tick. Asking the right questions to get to know someone can reveal a lot about who they are at a soul level and allow the two of you to connect deeply.
If you want to make a connection with someone you’ve just met, avoid small talk and discussing likes and dislikes. Keeping things on a superficial level isn’t going to create the connection you’re looking for.
Ask questions that are revealing and either create rapport or give you the information you need to deselect the person who is not a good match. Questions about their job or their past dating experiences aren’t going to reveal much about the important things and will keep the two of you from getting to really know each other.
When you want to get to know someone at a deep level, ask questions that engage and draw the person out, even those who may be feeling nervous or shy. It also helps to take the focus off of you and your critical inner dialog, easing your own nerves as well. A bonus is that people are attracted to the person who is interested and curious about them.
Let’s look at some common pitfalls and how to replace them with common sense questions to get to know someone and make your first few dates a lot more interesting.
Keep Your Focus On Being Curious Instead Of Evaluating Your Date
Sometimes dating can feel like an exercise in sifting through all the “wrongs” hoping to find your “Mr./Mrs. Right.” Instead, adjust your approach from looking for reasons to deselect the person in front of you, to being curious about this stranger you just met.
Asking questions in order to evaluate your date can leave the encounter feeling like a job interview. A date isn’t as simple as a pass or fail grade. Staying open and interested in what makes them tick will keep you from getting bored when you are on a date with someone you don’t easily connect with.
Dating doesn’t have to be a chore. It can be a great exercise in discovering about people as well as yourself.
Become a master at asking thoughtful questions and avoiding simple ones that can easily be answered with a “yes” or “no” response that doesn’t leave space for your date to elaborate.
When asking questions to get to know someone, keep your questions open-ended and memorize this phrase to get them to open up, “Tell me more…”
Don’t Try To Cover All Of Your Bases
You’re not looking for questions that will reveal the secret narcissist inside or make sure that the two of you are on the same page about all of the issues that are important to you. Trying to cover all of your bases to avoid being hurt again is moot. Connecting deeply with someone will always require some risk.
Dating while trying to protect your heart ultimately leaves you closed off from creating the connection you are looking for. People are varied and complex and it takes time to really get to know a stranger.
You don’t want to present your date with a series of hypothetical situations in order to see how they might respond. You’re not going to discover if you are a good match by asking, “If the two of us were in a disagreement about how much money to spend on our vacation, how would you try to find a compromise?”
When asking questions to get to know someone, you’re not testing your date. You are looking for ways to connect with someone you’re just getting to know.
Asking Direct Questions About What Is Important May Not Reveal What You Hope
Asking someone, “Do you value honesty?” isn’t going to reveal if they have the potential to lie to you or cheat on you. No one would ever answer, “No, I don’t. In fact, I’ve been lying to you all night.”
Ultimately this is another form of testing and evaluating your date in order to avoid getting hurt. You are not choosing to spend your life with someone after a first, second, or third date. You really shouldn’t even consider going exclusive until you’ve been dating for a few months.
Rushing into exclusivity because you don’t like dating, or because you are afraid he or she will move on to someone else will cause you to invest your heart before you really know who they are.
When asking questions to get to know someone, the most important thing is to have fun and look to discover a connection point.
Talk Across The Brain In Order To Be Understood
While men and women do deserve to be equal, it doesn’t mean they are the same. Masculine energy and feminine energy function differently and it is essential to understand these differences in order to create connection in your early conversations.
Women are generally more in touch with their feelings while men are usually more connected to their ideas and opinions. To speak to someone’s feminine side ask, “How do you feel about…?” To speak more to the masculine ask, “What do you think about…?”
You will discover more about your date by utilizing language that speaks to their dominant style.
When asking questions to get to know someone, use their language to make them more comfortable and create rapport.
Focus On Dreams And Goals Instead Of Likes And Dislikes
You may find a connection over a favorite movie, book, or musician, but if you want to connect on a deeper level see if you can bond over common dreams and goals. There is no guarantee that you’ll feel attracted to a person just because you share the same tastes in hobbies and entertainment.
Attraction is born from your differences and the polarity between the two of you.
Instead, ask about your date’s dreams, goals, and visions for their future. That way you can see if the two of you share values and perspectives about what is important in your life. Sharing values is a much better indicator of long-term compatibility than similar interests.
When asking questions to get to know someone, focus on the bigger picture. You’ll have plenty of time to see if you share interests as you get to know each other.
25 Common Sense Questions To Get To Know Someone At A Deep, Soul Level
- What did you learn about…?
- What do you like most about…?
- What is your vision for your life in the next few years?
- What would you like to accomplish in your life?
- What are you excited about most in your life right now?
- What drew you to the work that you do?
- What would you be doing if your budget wasn’t an issue?
- How much time do you spend with your family?
- Who is your celebrity crush?
- What is something you’ve learned about love?
- What do you like to do with your friends?
- What are you most proud of and why?
- Where is your happy place?
- What brings you peace? Excitement? Joy?
- What’s something that’s on your bucket list?
- What do you like/dislike about where you grew up?
- What would be your superpower if you had one?
- What regrets do you have about your life?
- Who is someone that has inspired you?
- What’s something you discovered that changed your life?
- What event has had the most profound impact on who you are today?
- What is one of your favorite memories?
- What is your idea of a perfect date?
- What brings you the feeling of being loved?
- What are some of your personal life goals?
Instead of dating like a job interview, be curious and ask questions to get to know someone that will help you create rapport and a deeper connection. Even if your date doesn’t turn out to be your soulmate, you’ll have spent meaningful time with another human being, which is always worthwhile.
Every person you meet knows people you do not know. You never know who the person will be that could introduce you to your beloved.
If you are struggling to create connection while dating or falling into apathy, we are here to support you on your path to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love. Join us in our private Facebook group, “Common Sense About Love” and you’ll have access to our exclusive lasting-love strategies. You’ll also find a great community of like-minded souls who will inspire you to create the love you want.
Orna and Matthew Walters are TV’s favorite dating and relationship experts. They uncover subconscious blocks to love so that you can select an ideal partner to share your life with. Follow them on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.