This week’s question comes from Bridget:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I hear you when you say that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships. I understand that like attracts like so that there must be something inside of me that is off because I only seem to be attracted to men I can’t have.
I know that I’m attractive and I have no problem getting dates – it’s just that the guys who like me and want a relationship with me, I’m not very interested in.
Then I meet a guy who I think is HOT – and inevitably, he is unavailable.
Why do I only want what I cannot have? How do I change whatever it is so I can settle down and start a family?
Thanks for reaching out and being so vulnerable about your struggle to have the love you want.
It’s true – YOU are the common denominator in all of your relationships. We are thrilled that you have identified the pattern that you want what you cannot have.
It can be so frustrating when the men you don’t want are choosing you and the men you do want are not emotionally or physically available.
We want you to take a moment and get in touch with that feeling you get when you meet a man who is really hot. Notice what it feels like in your body. Notice what thoughts and emotions come up.
Is this feeling a good feeling?
We know that can seem like a weird question, so here’s another way of looking at it:
Do you feel grounded and in your body or do you feel off-balance and overly excited?
Do you feel curious or do you feel a bit obsessed?
What we notice in many women is that they have a great radar for recognizing unavailable men. They feel off-balance, excited and a bit obsessed.
What’s happened is that you’ve mistaken fear for excitement. Your subconscious mind is sending you a signal that says, “This is familiar! This is familiar!”
What it doesn’t tell is whether it is familiar good or familiar bad.
We have another important question for you:
Which parent was emotionally unavailable so that as a little girl you continued to try to earn their love?
We would guess that little girl inside of you is looking for love from someone who can’t give it to her because that is what love felt like as a child.
We all learn how to receive love in our family of origin.
Just like tying your shoe – you learned to do it long ago, and now you don’t think about it – it just happens and you can be thinking about a million other things while you’re doing it.
Your way of “finding love” is on autopilot – and you learned to do it when you were a little girl.
So it’s not the grown-up woman part of you that is deciding who you find attractive and who you don’t – it’s that little girl inside of you – and she wants to know that she is loveable – even to someone who is unavailable.
This is a recipe that leaves you feeling hurt, frustrated, and disappointed over and over and over again.
There is currently a mismatch between the vision of what you desire (as a grown woman) and what love FEELS like to the little girl you who grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent.
This is not an insurmountable issue, however you must reconcile the mismatch so you can find an available man attractive.
The pattern you are describing is what we call a Love Imprint Match.
Your Love Imprint® is the system in your subconscious that is determining what love feels like and who you are attracted to. It includes your limiting beliefs, your mental emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love.
Transforming this system is the key to connecting with the hot guy who is available and wants to commit to you!
During a Your Love Imprint® Session we’ll diagnose Your Love Imprint giving you the clarity you’ll need to get from where you are to where you want to be.
Apply for Your Love Imprint® Session here.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,