This week's question comes from Nancy:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
Calling Dating 911…. Help me put out this fire… that is burning a hole in my heart.
How do I stop this constant screening in my mind of a guy the minute I see a guy flirt or take an interest in me? I think this tearing people apart the minute I see someone or something happening that I don’t like is hurting my chances for great guys to get into my world or me in theirs.
Honestly, I just want a great guy BUT, I scrutinize the heck out of anyone as my time is too valuable to be hanging with the takers, mushers, needy and lesser, etc.
MY QUALITY TIME IS THE MOST INVALUABLE ASSET more than anything else at this point in my life. I am sort of being a workaholic but I DO want to back off and play a little more and spend time with quality men.
All my life I have felt like I needed the chemistry first before anything else. If the chemistry is not there, and I find something just a little off or weird, I dismiss the whole situation which I feel is probably unfair.
Can you have a great relationship or partnership with someone without the chemistry first? I have found that instant chemistry between two people can later turn to disaster, but if it isn’t there at first take, first look, or pining then my mind goes hunting for the flaw. Hope this makes sense.”
Thanks for reaching out to us and we will strive to give you some hope about your situation. What you are describing is a habitual strategy that you developed over the years to keep you safe. And staying safe is your subconscious mind’s number one desire.
When we talk about Your Love Imprint® and how it affects your choices in intimate relationship, we always mention the three components of it: your limiting beliefs, your mental and emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love.
What you are describing is a behavioral strategy from Your Love Imprint (remember Your Love Imprint is how you learned to receive love in your family of origin and it is driving your behavior and your choices in your intimate relationships). This particular strategy has you caught up in a double bind.
On the one hand, you want love and intimacy and on the other hand, you don’t believe that anyone will measure up for you. These two opposing beliefs are keeping you stuck.
When you are in a double bind, it can feel like there is no forward movement. This internal struggle between these two opposing beliefs is not going anywhere on its own because each part of you is trying to get you something you need – love, approval, acceptance, safety, etc.
At its root, all of our behavior has positive intent. Even when the results of our behavior wreak havoc on our lives, the intention of the behavior is always something positive.
The first step for you is to create some space in this internal struggle. As long as you judge these parts, you will continue to be stuck. Remember what you resist persists. Find compassion for the little girl who developed this strategy. She needed it to survive her family.
Can you get in touch with the deeper intention of these behaviors? Ask yourself, “What did that little girl need in order to feel loved and safe?”
As you explore your behavior with compassion you will begin to find some space for a new way of being. This will allow you to begin to explore a new strategy for finding love.
Releasing people from double binds is something we do every day with our private clients. Working through these issues is possible on your own but it requires a lot of patience and willpower to overcome our bad strategies. Working with us privately will put that transformation on jet-fuel, as we are masters at facilitating change.
You can learn more about private coaching here: https://www.creatingloveonpurpose.com/private-coaching/
There is a deposit collected so we know you are a serious inquiry. If you move forward with private coaching your deposit will be applied toward your investment. If for some reason you decide that private coaching with us is not for you, then your deposit will be refunded in full.
**WARNING** Private Coaching with us is not for everyone. This is not passive work and it will require you to make changes in how you’ve been moving through your life.
Ultimately, we have outrageous results with our private coaching clients because this type of coaching brings you into alignment with your highest and best self. We believe that is where you connect with your Beloved.
During the Discovery Session, you can ask us as many questions as you like and we’ll be sure to answer them all. It is an opportunity for you to see if we are the Soulmate Coaches for you.
We are here to be your guides to love!
Love and Abundance,