This week’s question comes from EB:
“Hello Orna and Matthew,
Last summer, I filled three pages of my journal with all the traits I want in my man.
Two days later, I met him! I was amazed at how he was just what I wanted. We were together for seven wonderful months. He wasn’t perfect, but he was just right for me.
He was a confident, masculine man who treated me like a queen. After we hit a small rough patch, he broke up with me. Via e-mail. I was devastated. I had done all this work on myself to clear my blocks.
A week later he reached out and admitted that he just got scared. He said being in love makes him feel thrown off. It’s overwhelming. He said he really needs to work harder on building his business up. He said that as a result of his parents’ divorce he’s afraid that love doesn’t last. Then he admitted that he’s still in love with me and realizes he messed up a good thing.
He asked if we could fix this. Out of anger and hurt I said no, I can’t trust your feelings. You could leave me again. A few days later we talked and I told him I’m open to moving forward if he needs to think about it.
I told him he has to communicate when he’s feeling scared. After a week of me giving him space to think about it, he told me he thinks he’d feel the same way if we got back into a relationship. I thanked him for the wonderful experience and told him we should go our separate ways.
He still e-mails and texts, asking how I’m doing. Saying that unfortunately his fears ruined something so pure that it’ll haunt him for a long time. I love and miss him. It’s so hard but I don’t respond. Yesterday he reached out again. I told him that I need to keep healing and moving forward. Please don’t contact me for a while. Thanks for understanding.
It hurts me that I have to shut him out. He’s not some crazy guy who treated me badly. I feel sad for him that he couldn’t fully let love in.
Am I doing the right thing?
Only you can truly know what the “right thing” is for you. Much of what we do with our clients is give them really clear experiences of what it feels like to trust themselves.
It is entirely too easy to go into sacrifice in an intimate relationship, to take our partner’s behavior personally, and to adjust our behavior in an attempt to feel loved and accepted. We call this “twisting into a pretzel.”
There are many Dating Coaches who proclaim things like:
- Get him back for good!
- Be irresistible to any man!
- Say this to get him to commit to you!
The truth is there is no secret formula for getting someone to behave the way we want him or her to.
What we recommend for you is to look at your past relationships and see what your patterns are in relationship. You may have two very distinct and different scenarios that play out over and over again. Or you may have one, with slight variations on the details.
You are the common denominator in your relationships so the only way to have a different result is to change yourself.
Changing yourself doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. Knowing what strategies of yours actually move you toward having the life you desire, and which ones do not, is the key to being in the driver’s seat of your own life!
You state that you, “Feel sad for him.” That’s nice and all, however, feeling sad for him that he blew it with you is not really doing anything for you. Instead you’re second-guessing yourself wondering if you made a mistake.
He flat out told you that if you went ‘round with him again, he would feel the same, and you’d be right back where you are today, so really you did yourself a favor.
This guy is not your Beloved. He showed up so you could GROW from the experience with him toward your Beloved!
Every relationship you’ve ever had has been designed to move you toward your highest and best self. So you could become a better version of you so you can connect with your Beloved along the journey.
It’s possible this guy is a match to Your Love Imprint™. Examining your relationship history and your family of origin will shed some light on if this is the case.
The truth about a True Soul Partnership is that you cannot say or do the wrong thing with the right person. You would find your way through TOGETHER!
We did not reach some level of perfection in order to be in relationship. We simply mastered communication skills along with doing the deep inner work to transform our own Love Imprints.
There were challenges we faced along the way, and there are still those times that we have mis-communication, and yup, we still fight… sometimes.
Neither one of us is perfect. We’re human! We make mistakes.
We see conflict as the pathway to a deeper connection. So when we have a conflict we know how to maneuver through it quickly, and get to a place of deep emotional connection. It’s how we can say that we love one another more today than 8 years ago when we chose to love one another.
If you could choose the characteristics of your ideal mate we highly doubt that you’d put on that list: Someone who I cannot count on to stand by me.
We can only imagine that what you truly desire is to know that your mate will stand by you as sure as you know the sun will rise! Right??!!!
So do not settle for less than what you truly want. If you want to count on your mate, do not expect that some day this guy will be reliable in love. He’s not. Why he is not – is quite frankly none of your business. He cannot give you what you need.
You are stuck in what we call “The Lie Of Love.” The Lie Of ‘Love’ tells us:
Love has to come from this one person only.
Love has to show up exactly the way I want it.
Love has to show up when I’m ready for it.
This is the story that is trapped inside Your Love Imprint™.
Once you transform the system of Your Love Imprint™ than you are open to receive the love that is in your True Heart’s Desire.
Transforming Your Love Imprint™ takes dedication and commitment. This system has been in place for the vast majority of your life – decades even! Releasing it won’t take nearly as long, however it is a process.
If going down this path to create Love On Purpose™ is of interest to you, submit your application for Private Coaching. We have a variety of coaching packages available and only a few openings for the rest of this calendar year.
Your deposit is risk free and the best part is that you will speak directly with us! That way you can evaluate if we are the Soulmate Coaches for you.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,