This week’s question comes from Madison:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I’ve been reading and watching everything you two do for years now. I love how you interact with one another. It’s clear there is so much love there. I printed out a photo of you two from your website years ago where you’re kissing in front of a merry-go-round and I’ve had it on my vision board with the words, “Twin Flame” as a headline at the top of it.
You give the best dating advice for women that I’ve found anywhere. So here’s my question – where is my twin flame and how do I find him?
I want to be with the person who gets me and loves me and who I know I can count on. I want that deep soulful, spiritual connection. How did you two know that this was your Twin Flame relationship?
There’s a guy I’ve been dating who is crazy about me, and I’ve given it a go, but I don’t know… I’m not ready to say he’s IT. I really want to experience that connection that I’ve never felt with anyone else before! Am I asking for too much?
Thanks for all you do to share your love story. I really find you both so inspiring.”
Thank you for your heartfelt question and for reaching out to us. You’re so sweet to share all of those lovely things about us. We are thrilled to know that we inspire you.
We understand the desire to find your perfect match, that person who you seem to recognize as your other half the minute you meet them. It is so powerful to believe that there is someone out there you are destined to be with, if only you could find him.
Here’s the deal, we’re not huge fans of the term: Twin Flame
It is one of the biggest myths of accidental love that exists and it is the source of so much loneliness and heartbreak.
Please keep reading because we have quite a bit to share with you on this subject.
We don’t care for term Twin Flame mostly for the images and visions it conjures up. The idea that two different people come together to “complete each other” is not a healthy dynamic for love to last for a lifetime together.
No one completes you; you are a whole and complete person on your own.
Each person in a relationship is an individual. That individual will have very different strategies than you have. He will likely respond to conflict differently than you do. He’ll have a different way to make decisions. He’ll be good at some of the things you’re bad at, and vice-versa.
Most of our work over the past decade has been focused on bringing our clients into wholeness. It’s from this place – when you don’t need a partner – but rather desire one to share your life with. This allows you to make clear-headed decisions to select an ideal spouse.
Believing you NEED a partner to feel whole abdicates your power and puts your lovability, acceptability, and approvability in someone else’s hands. Ultimately you are the one responsible for your own level of self-worth.
Long ago when Orna worked in an office with a tiny cubicle she put a note up where she could see it daily that stated, “I am worth loving.” One day she came into work to find that someone put a note right next to it stating, “I am worth taking out for a cup of coffee.”
Sure that’s funny, and we’re the first people to enjoy humor, and we believe that you are worth much more than just a cup of coffee. You are worth having all that you desire. Ultimately, what you believe is true is true for you.
You see, our subconscious mind is wired for our survival. Its prime directive is to keep you alive. And in this modern age you do not need a great love relationship to survive, however, no one would be considered to be thriving in life without success in love.
The key to thriving in life is not what you think it is.
There was a book that came out a few years ago titled, Triumphs Of Experience: The Men Of The Harvard Grant Study by George E. Vailliant. It shares the findings of the longest longitudinal study in history following its subjects for 70 years.
The study had many different focuses over the years but the underlying premise was to discover what makes a person successful; not just in career or in relationships, but what makes a person a success in life.
What is so powerful about this study is that the most crucial quality that made a person successful at life was the ability to create and maintain intimate relationships. Simply put, the ability to LOVE determined whether or not you were a success.
Other findings of note from the study: Marriages bring much more contentment after age 70, and physical aging after 80 is determined less by heredity than by habits formed prior to age 50.
Our conclusion is this: It is never too late to find the love of your life and you don’t only get 1 person, 1 soul mate, 1 beloved, 1 twin flame – whatever you want to call it. Your ability to create the love you desire is the determining factor to your success in every part of your life.
Lasting-love is ultimately a choice. Our goal has always been to teach our clients to choose wisely from the outset.
Many Dating Coaches preach about discrediting chemistry – saying it doesn’t last anyway so forego those feelings of attraction and find a good friend to marry.
Sadly, this strategy only adds to the divorce rate. You cannot settle for a lifetime with someone.
About half of our clients are divorced from what we call, “The Should Guy.” That guy that their family and friends adore, he’s a great guy, nice, kind, and loving, but there’s no spark – no chemistry.
We believe that chemistry is only 1 ingredient for lasting-love, and should be treated as such. Just like yeast for making bread – it’s not the only ingredient – but it essential. Otherwise you’ll end up with just a cracker.
The idea of a Twin Flame fans the flames of the incorrect notion that we are each fated to be with 1 particular person. Perhaps it’s romantic, however, it’s unrealistic and also simply not true.
There is no higher power micro-managing your life deciding who will be your life partner.
The responsibility for choosing who to love and how to love rests in your hands.
Abdicating responsibility is looked upon as an immature tactic in every part of life except when it comes to love. Grown-ups know they must take actions in order to get a good job, have career success, and to be healthy, fit and in shape.
We’re sold the myth of Accidental Love from the moment we pop out of the womb. Our society tells us, “Love will happen when you least expect it.”
Let us explain to you why this is a fallacy: Human beings have a predisposition towards what is familiar to them. Another way to say this is that the world appears to us as we believe it to be.
If we believe that all men are cheaters, or that most people on online dating sites are scam artists, or that all the good ones are taken, then our subconscious mind will be sure to give us more evidence of our beliefs. These internal belief systems are the filter through which we experience the world.
The result is that what is familiar to you will be highlighted out in the world. This is a process that happens automatically – just like regulating your heart rate and body temperature. You don’t think about doing those things, they just simply occur.
If you did not experience the kind of love you desire in your family of origin by whomever raised you, what is familiar is not in alignment with what you desire. Therefore you are drawn toward what you do not want.
Orna was raised in a home full of abuse – emotional abuse and physical abuse were the norm. There were no “rules,” anything could set off one of her parents and she’d be on the receiving end not even understanding what the trigger was or how she could’ve done things differently.
After graduating from UCLA, she found herself in a relationship with a guy she thought was “The One.” On New Year’s Eve of 1994 he beat her. Now she considers this event the wake-up call of a lifetime.
The physical wounds healed rather quickly, but what plagued her was wondering how she chose someone who would harm her when that was the last thing she wanted. His abusive behavior was familiar – and her subconscious selected him based on those familiar characteristics even though the abuse did not show up for 16 months.
Matthew grew up in a “normal” mid-western family, the youngest of 5 children. His journey to lasting-love is not nearly as dramatic as Orna’s, however, the familiar dynamic of a lack of emotional expression combined with sarcasm and teasing from Matthew’s childhood had him chasing after women who were not at all interested in him. He was constantly longing for what he could not have. And when he met a woman who was interested in him, he would dismiss her and ultimately sabotage it.
Before we met one another we had each taken responsibility for where we were in our lives and had done the work of healing many of our childhood wounds. We both decided to make finding great love a priority.
Lasting-love is no accident.
Dating is not something you just put up with long enough to find someone who wants to go exclusive with you.
There will be magic when you connect with your Beloved. The experience of the first phase of relationship – The Romance Phase – will be an elevated feeling, one filled with euphoria. The body releases an intense cocktail of feel good chemicals when we “fall in love” and that feeling is intoxicating.
As an adult who desires love to last it is imperative that you educate yourself on how to choose an ideal mate, as well as gain the skills necessary to communicate when emotions are heated, and to recreate connection after a conflict.
Expecting that you’ll simply know how to make love last with some mythical “Right Person” is downright delusional.
We prefer the terms Soulmate and Beloved over Twin Flame because there is some individuation that 2 different people are coming together rather than 2 parts that make up 1 whole.
They myth that someone will “complete you” will ultimately create an unhealthy co-dependent dynamic.
This one is particularly prevalent in popular culture. You can watch the video we made years ago titled: Busting The Jerry McGuire Myth by clicking here.
Perhaps we’re just having a semantics disagreement over words that are similar. If Twin Flame motivates you to create a vision of your ideal relationship and you’re evaluating men you are dating by matching them up to that vision – excellent!
The idea is to create the vision of what you desire without a guy in the picture. That way you won’t be tempted to go all in with a man who gives all the good feelings. Feelings are temporary – good ones, bad ones, medium ones – feelings do not last.
From this perspective it seems a bit silly to select a life partner based on a feeling that we know is only passing through, right?
Selecting the right partner for a lifetime doesn’t happen after only a few dates. You can check out our step-by-step system for How To Date For Your Soulmate here.
Orna and Matthew Walters are the premier married couple, Soulmate Coaches teaching around the globe how to choose an ideal life-partner. If you’re tired of struggling to find lasting-love, connect with them for a Soulmate Strategy Session by clicking here.