This week’s question comes from Paula:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I hope you can help me!
Here’s my pattern…every single time I allow myself to TRULY love a man and trust/become vulnerable/believe he loves me back – he leaves!
All different types of men, wildly variable circumstances and timelines, but each time I chose to love – they leave. Of course the ones I don’t care about I can’t get rid of.
I just want to know, do men only want what they can’t have?!?
Thanks for reaching out to us. We’ve heard some version of your question from so many women and we want you to know that this is something we can help you with. The first step is to realize that the problem is not what you think it is.
When men are ready for a relationship they will pursue a woman they desire. They will move the relationship forward. They will ask for a commitment. And they will stick around through good times and bad.
Men who are not ready for a relationship will do none of these things. However, they do still want companionship and even intimacy with a woman they are attracted to – especially if the woman is doing all of the work. Many of these men will not even admit to themselves that they are not emotionally ready for a long-term relationship.
This can be frustrating when you are dating or are in a committed relationship with a man like this. How are you supposed to know!?!
Well, you actually spelled it out in your question and it leads us to believe that the problem isn’t about whether or not the men you are dating are ready for a relationship. (And the fact is there isn’t some deeper truth about men wanting what they can’t have. Both men and women have the same potential to be attracted to someone they can’t have.)
The big clue in your question is your statement that “the ones I don’t care about I can’t get rid of.”
There are plenty of men around you who are interested in a relationship with you. It’s just that you don’t find them attractive. This tells us that there is something off in your selection process. Ironically, there is a part of YOU that is attracted to what you can’t have.
The real reason you are struggling has nothing to with men. It is inside of you. You have a subconscious program that believes that love feels like abandonment (or some such thing).
Your subconscious mind is designed to keep you alive, and therefore it will continue to draw you towards similar experiences. You will attract what is familiar.
And what is familiar to you is not what you want!
There is a discrepancy between what you desire (truly loving a man who is able to commit to you long-term) and what you have experienced (each time you choose love, he leaves). As long as you have this inner conflict, you will continue to struggle with getting what you desire.
What your heart desires may be the exact opposite of what you experienced as a child, or it can simply differ by shades of gray – either way you’ll find it difficult to experience the kind of love you want simply because it is unfamiliar.
It is your subconscious that highlights the men who are not interested in a long-term relationship with you so that they appear attractive to you; and the men who are interested in a relationship appear unattractive to you. There’s no juice, no spark with the latter because it doesn’t feel “right” to you.
We call this subconscious program for love: Your Love Imprint®. It is created in your family of origin when you were a small child between 0 and 8 years old. You see, as a child you need to feel loved and safe in order to survive in the world. You will take on any behavior in order to feel loved and safe, especially when your parents are incapable of giving you what you need.
The way you navigate this childhood wound is to take full responsibility for what happened. You say, “What is wrong with me that my parent doesn’t love me the way I need?” You take on a limiting story about yourself and that story becomes part of your identity. This limiting story becomes the basis of Your Love Imprint.
Your Love Imprint® is comprised of your limiting beliefs, mental/emotional patterns, and behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love, and it determines who you have the spark of attraction with.
The real kicker about your subconscious mind is that it does not have the capacity to judge. It’s like it has two buckets, one with all of your experiences and one with everything else that you haven’t experienced. The first bucket contains all that is known and therefore familiar. The second bucket contains all that is unknown and therefore is considered unsafe to the subconscious.
This part of you is wired to keep you alive – and that’s it. Since you’re alive right now, and you’ve made it this far, your subconscious assumes that if you keep experiencing the same circumstances, you’ll continue to say alive.
However, if you step into the unknown, and therefore unsafe territory, your subconscious will react with resistance and will strive to return you to what is familiar.
So your subconscious doesn’t know if your current circumstances are positive or negative, it just knows that they are familiar. It doesn’t have the capacity to know if you are alive and blissfully happy, or miserable and suicidal. Its only purpose is to keep you alive.
You can never truly thrive in life when you are focused on just staying alive and surviving. This is just the basic foundation of what is necessary without any of the goodies that create a life well lived.
Everyone who has changed their circumstances considerably has all made the adjustment to move into unfamiliar territory. It’s common to hear from motivational speakers, “Feel the fear and do it anyway!”
When it comes to matters of the heart it’s not so simple. We think of love as something that is mysterious, that we have no control over. Yet, ask anyone who has been married for any length of time and they will unequivocally tell you that lasting love is a choice.
To make things even more confusing, there is contrary information about how to find love everywhere you turn.
Here’s the deal: YOU are the common denominator in all of your relationships. YOU are the one constant. So if you’re unhappy with your results thus far, it’s time for an internal change.
Going out and dating unfamiliar men – those men you don’t find attractive – won’t move you towards your goal either. Chemistry is a necessary ingredient for love to last.
The solution is for you to reconcile the difference between what is familiar and what you desire.
The desire you have to share your life with a man who gets you, who will stand by you, who desires you as much as you desire him, exists in your conscious mind. This desire is not in alignment with what you experienced as “love” in your family of origin.
Your parents loved you in the way in which they were capable of loving you. Often this falls short for how you wanted to be loved. Additionally, all the events of your childhood were assigned a meaning by that younger version of you.
These meanings determine how you feel about yourself when it comes to intimate relationships – and often times do not play out in other parts of your life.
We speak to women all the time who tell us that when it comes to love it’s like they are a completely different person than in every other part of their life.
When it comes to love, we often hear things like, “Girls marry their father, and boys marry their mother.” We find this is much too simplistic and that human beings are much more complex than that.
Both parents (whether they were both present or not) helped determine Your Love Imprint®. Both parents helped you shape the kind of men that you’re drawn toward and find attractive.
Right now, as a grown woman, you are selecting men who reflect back to you the same energetic dynamic of “love” that you experienced in your family of origin.
Ask yourself what happened in your childhood that led to you believing that love is out of reach, that you can’t win someone’s love and approval, that the feeling of abandonment is familiar. You can dig even deeper and discover the limiting beliefs you have about yourself that make it feel like love is not available for you.
Doing this investigation is the first step to Creating Love On Purpose®. Discovering your internal blocks can give you some great insight into why love feels so hard. Then you can begin the work of dismantling those beliefs and strategies. This is the key to transforming the kind of men you find attractive.
The first step can be to join us for a Your Love Imprint® Session. We’ll help you determine the language of Your Love Imprint and give you some suggestions on how to transform it for good.
Discovering Your Love Imprint and how it is affecting your behavior in love, and then taking action to heal this childhood wound is the key to finally getting the kind of relationship you desire – one where you feel safe to truly love a man who also chooses you to love as well.
We know that this is possible for you because we’ve facilitated similar transformations in our clients around the globe.
Your beloved is out there looking for you. Right now you won’t recognize him because your subconscious is blocking you from seeing him. Transforming Your Love Imprint will not only allow him to become visible to you, you will know how to make it last.
Complete your application today by clicking this link: www.YourLoveImprint.com
We are here to be your guides to love!
Love and Abundance,