This week’s question comes from Alison:
Hello Orna and Matthew,
Recently I had something happen to me that has me perplexed and concerned about my love life. A male friend of mine who I respect gave me some feedback about why I seem to struggle finding quality men.
He said that he thought I was a powerful female and that most men are intimidated by me, including him!
While I am not loud, or a vexation to the spirit, I was shocked to learn that this is how I occur to others as I see myself as very shy especially when not in my comfort zone. My question now is, ‘How do I soften without loosing my ability to speak up when necessary?’
Thank you for asking this very important question. We feel there is much confusion in our society about power particularly when it comes to women and being feminine. We find the way you phrase your question interesting as if you are “required” to soften.
Who would you be softening for?
What is the goal of softening?
Is softening authentic?
These questions and more arose for us as we pondered selecting your question to answer this week.
We often share the concept: Speak how you feel.
Do you express yourself authentically and in the moment? Or do you hold onto anger and resentments until the pressure builds up and you explode like a volcano of emotion?
“Softening” to become more palatable for someone else is not authentic. Having the tools to speak up and be heard is a communication skill that can be learned. It requires practice and persistence, just like mastering anything.
We believe you can say anything to anyone that is it is all in HOW you say it.
Most important is to use “I” rather than “You” when sharing. This is not a new concept, however implementing it (particularly when emotions are heated) requires training.
The key is to take responsibility for your feelings in the way in which you express them. This creates the opportunity for emotional intimacy. When you speak how you feel authentically, it is like an invitation for the other person to meet you at that high level of authenticity.
Not everyone will accept your invitation, and in those instances you receive information about what that person is capable of.
Speaking this way allows you to embrace your feminine power. Many women today have embraced their masculine side in their careers, and then all too often show up as more masculine in their relationships.
Two masculine energies in a relationship are competitive in nature. This competitive energy throws off the dynamic between a man and a woman, and dampens sexual chemistry.
Speaking how you feel authentically is a way to relax into your feminine energy as well as honor and value yourself.
This could be a reason why your friend sees you as intimidating. Most men don’t want to be in a competitive relationship with the woman they care about. It can be very off-putting.
Lastly, true power is not something you hold over or under anyone else. Standing in your true power is not in relation to any other person, it just is.
When you embrace your own personal power, then you can speak how you feel without worrying about whether or not you need to soften your delivery.
When you connect with your Beloved, he will not be intimidated by your power nor will he desire you to change how you express it. Instead he will be attracted to that very quality that other men have found disconcerting.
We hope this helps and would love to hear how you are doing as you step further into your power.
If you have energy from your past about embracing your feminine power you will find our Burn Your Baggage program very helpful. In this program you “burn” past negative emotional energy and free yourself to step into your authentic self.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,