This week's question comes from Ramada:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I have a really wrong concept of love. I keep thinking that it means to sacrifice oneself and one's own interests and giving in to another person just to be nice. It is just very subconscious but I can feel that is just what I believe, so I have discovered that if I just change that word and stop using it at all, it becomes easier to me to know what I am feeling. I decided to change love for FUN. Because fun is always good and always the best for me and that way I can easily notice what I would like as opposed to what I think I should do.
Do you have any suggestions on how to let go of the fusion I (and many, I'm sure, since it seems to be social condoning specially for women) have between love and sacrifice or it would be best to just forget about trying to change the love concept and choose only FUN? Fun is a place where I can relate with people as equals without wanting or having to please anyone, because pleasing, it's just NO FUN.”
Thanks for reaching out to us and for your insight. Many people (men and women) equate love with sacrifice; you are not alone. We really like this idea you've shared of looking at ways to have FUN with Love.
A great way to stay out of resentment and sacrifice in relationship is to fill your “cup” first, not just to full – to overflowing. Now you can be of service from the OVERFLOW. When you put your needs first you can freely give to anyone you choose to (and choice is the key).
Another thing to consider is that in a long-term relationship there will inevitably be challenges that come up. It doesn't sound like you are looking to just have “fun” in the sense that when the going gets tough, that you would desire end the relationship, however, it is important to look at what you truly desire rather than just what you think you’d settle for.
Most importantly begin a regular practice of self-care whether or not you are in relationship. Minimum self-care includes adequate sleep, water, and food. Add in what we call Luxury Self-Care Experiences. These do not need to cost any money, it’s all about HOW you do something. You can create this for yourself by taking a bath, eating dinner on a special plate with candles and music, etc. REGULAR self-care will lay a new foundation for how you behave in relationship.
Become clear on what it feels like when you sacrifice. Check in with your body. Does your stomach get butterflies, maybe your throat tightens or you feel a weight on your chest. Being able to recognize what it feels like will be your guidepost in future relationships. When you feel that feeling, make a new choice. Choose to value yourself and not sacrifice!
Being able to speak how you feel and ask for what you want and need is a new way of being for you so it will take practice. This is where it is important to be kind and compassionate with yourself through the process of learning something new.
The love you seek is not out in the world; it is inside of you. By creating a new relationship with yourself, one that is based in love and self-acceptance, you will not be tempted to abandon yourself in relationship because you know that the love you seek will never be taken away.
Expecting that someone would show up in your life and treat you any differently than how you treat yourself is out of integrity as well as unrealistic. By creating a new relationship with yourself and getting in rapport with yourself you will be able to make a new choice in relationship and never self-abandon again.
If you are looking to make a major shift with your relationship with yourself so you never self abandon again then we recommend our online program, The Science of Creating Love™.
This 7-module online program guides you to discover your past patterns, transform them, and then create a new vision of what love means to you. This new vision is no longer tainted by your bad love strategies from the past. You get to be a beginner in love once again.
You can read more about The Science of Creating Love™ here.
Once you complete this journey you’ll never have to worry about whether or not you will fall back into that old habit of sacrificing yourself and your needs. You'll know exactly how to take care of yourself first.
Love and Abundance,