This week’s question comes from Mary:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I’ve been sitting on this question for you two for a while now because I’m not sure how to ask it or if you’d understand me. I know I’m a smart, sophisticated, and sensual woman and to put it bluntly, I’m exhausted.
I am tired of doing everything. I am the responsible one. I get shit done.
I’ve overcome a lot of adversity in my life. I pride myself on being resilient.
I’m the one everyone comes to when they need help. I’m capable – highly capable.
My adrenal glands are burnt out. I’ve crashed and burned. My health has suffered and my sanity has suffered.
I don’t want to be some passive meek housewife. I do want a man who will contribute. A man who will take the lead once in awhile and get things done for me and for us. A man I can count on to have my back.
There doesn’t seem to be any kind of pattern that I can see. All the men I’ve dated have been very different. The relationships all ended for different reasons.
As I quickly approach 40 I’m starting to wonder if being with my Beloved and having a family is meant to be.
What are your thoughts? Is there help for me?”
Thanks for reaching out and asking our advice on your struggle to find lasting love. We can bring a different perspective to your situation because we are not in the fishbowl of your life.
We have an important question to ask you.
What if your resilient qualities that have helped you overcome adversities and created successes are the blocks to you creating the lasting love you desire?
The 70’s told women they can do it all and they’ve been killing themselves trying to do it all ever since.
We place a high value on independence in our society and that, coupled with a fear of co-dependence, keeps people from being able to connect deeply. The whole purpose of being in an intimate relationship is to form a deep bond with another person.
Resiliency is a lovely quality to have when you’re on your own, because you will find a way through the challenges that come your way.
In a partnership, there has to be room for both you and your partner to deal with the same challenge differently.
Your Beloved won’t be a carbon copy of you as a man. He will have his own way of doing things and dealing with the stresses that life brings his way. Finding a way to work through the subsequent power struggle is one of the most important steps to lasting love.
The key is to stop fighting for your way to be the right way and to start fighting for the relationship.
When we are in a power struggle there is always a “right” and a “wrong.” Either you are right (in your solution, in your reaction, in your decision) and therefore your partner is wrong, or you are wrong and your partner is right.
Each of you is fighting for your position and therefore against the person you claim to love.
When you choose to fight for the relationship, then you can take responsibility for your feelings, your decisions, and your reactions instead of blaming your partner for your behavior.
If, as you say, you want your man to lead once and a while then you have to leave space for him to do it his way.
You see it is your resiliency that says you are capable. You are capable of doing it all when it needs to be done. This can lead to a belief that your way of doing things is the best way.
It may be the best way when you are single, but it certainly may not be the best way when you are in a partnership. Because being in a partnership means learning how to create a win-win in your relationship.
This is what we mean when we talk about fighting for the relationship instead of fighting with your partner.
We suggest you go back and look at your past relationships and see where you were fighting for your way instead of fighting to create connection. See if you can take responsibility for the ways that you were more attached to your capability than you were to the needs of your partner.
We believe that examining your past relationships in this way will give you deeper insight into how you can focus on creating more connection, more intimacy, and a stronger partnership in your future relationships.
We are here to be your guides to long-lasting love.
Love and Abundance,