This week's question comes from Silvia
“Hello to two of the most inspiring people!
I was in a 5 year relationship with a man I loved, I thought he loved me but now I realize maybe it was not love. I could not feel like a woman in that relationship, he always needed more than me emotionally and later financially. When I expressed my needs he left and found somebody else immediately. I still have not been able to find a new partner with whom to create a more equal relationship. I have done a lot of spiritual work and still that special person does not appear. How can I keep having hope?”
Thank you for sharing your situation so boldly and openly. You have tipped us off here with this sentence, “…he always needed more than me emotionally…” It is clear to us from this statement (your choice of words) that you were in sacrifice in this relationship and even though you had given more than you were comfortable with, it seems that you continue to mourn the relationship.
“When I expressed my needs he left…” tells us that you held back from expressing your needs for a time – this is death to a relationship. Never sacrifice your needs! Wants are negotiable, but needs are not. When you start a relationship asking for what you need, then it is not a surprise later in the relationship.
It seems this man enjoyed that he didn't have to “do” anything for you, so by the time you asked, he wasn't willing to have the rules of the relationship changed. Clearly he is not the man for you. We believe this man showed up for you to grow, and in order to do that you must find what we refer to as “The Golden Nugget.”
Finding this key piece of learning will set you free from the past, and allow you to move on. What was it about this particular man – why him specifically – that encourages growth for you? Once you know why he came into your life, you can release the attachment to him and move on. As long as you are carrying a torch for him and attempting to decipher was it love you shared, or not – you will not be able to move on.
No one bases their behavior on how it will or won't affect you – no one. Each of us behaves a certain way because of who we are – its that simple. This man's behavior toward you was not personal, he is simply being who he is in the world. Embracing this truth will assist you in healing your heart.
Hope is great, if that is all you have, it is the spark. However, hope is passive. Hope aligns with the belief that love happens by accident. We wish much more for you than just hope. Take ACTION! Go out and meet people. Sit in a coffee/tea shop bring a book, an iPad, or a laptop and smile at every age appropriate man who walks in. Be purposeful about creating love and love is what you will find.
We are taking a stab in the dark here, so call it intuition that we think you may be holding onto limiting beliefs about love, and how love is supposed to show up. Blocks to love are not conscious, they are built into our imprinting in how we learned to receive love. Discover what these blocks are and remove them. They are based in a belief and that belief can be changed.
If you want to work on uncovering your blocks to love on your own, our program The Soulmate Shortcut walks you through that process.
Remember, your desire for love means it is not only possible for you, but probable.
Love and Abundance,