This week’s question comes from Liz:
Hi Orna and Matthew,
I’ve been following you for a few years and I think you have the best dating advice for women.
What I’ve noticed from paying attention to my patterns is that I seem to date two different types of guys: One guy I feel a strong connection with right away and I’m bending over backwards to be available and do things so he likes me, and the other is chasing after me, is nice, but I don’t feel the same spark of chemistry that I do with the other type of guy.
I’ve always thought things would be great if I could just get a guy that I really like to like me back, but so far that’s not how it works out for me.
Now that I can see these two patterns, what’s next? Right now I feel like I’m going to be stuck alone unless I give it a go with guy type #2… I don’t think that’s what you’re suggesting.
We get how frustrating this situation is for you. You can see the problem but you don’t know what to do about it.
We always use the analogy of driving a car when we discuss this with our clients. In order to drive the car (make changes in your patterns) you first have to get into the driver’s seat (awareness of the problem). You can’t drive the car from the back seat or the passenger seat.
You’re getting ready to get into the driver’s seat, but you need a little more understanding of the problem first. While you understand the nature of your current situation, it is time to take it even deeper.
There aren’t only two types of men in the world – unavailable men who you feel a strong connection to, and nice men who chase after you who you don’t feel attracted to. There are men who exist in the world that are attracted to you that you also find attractive. Right now you just can’t see them.
We call this a negative hallucination. These men exist you just don’t see them because they don’t fit your subconscious belief system.
To discover your subconscious belief system around love and relationship ask yourself, “Where does this pattern of trying to please someone in order to get love come from?”
We would guess that your early childhood provides the answer. Was it your mother or your father who withheld their love from you? Which one of your parents were you attempting to win love from when you were a little girl?
Your need to prove your worthiness to these unavailable men reflects that early childhood dynamic. Your subconscious mind recognizes the similar emotional pattern and through the Law of Association (i.e. this is like that) and creates that feeling inside that you currently identify as attraction.
We would suggest that this feeling is actually a fear response that you are confusing as attraction. Fear and excitement are experienced the same in the body; the only difference is the internal dialog we have about the experience.
Waiting in line for a roller coaster we all experience our breath becoming shallow, our palms getting sweaty, and our heart rate increasing. The difference is whether you are saying, “I can’t wait to ride this coaster!” or, “What was I thinking? Get me out of here!” to yourself while waiting in the line to board.
Your subconscious is saying, “Run away! You’ll never get this guy to love you!” and you’re interpreting the feeling as “OMG! He’s so hot! I hope he likes me!”
You’ll never get the love you want by trying to get another person to love you. You’ve first got to heal that childhood wound that is driving your behavior.
We call this wound Your Love Imprint®. And it is the system in your subconscious that is driving your choices in love. Your Love Imprint includes your mental emotional patterns, your limiting beliefs, and your behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love.
Once you understand the language of Your Love Imprint®, you’ll have a clear understanding of why you feel stuck between these two types of men. From here you are in the driver’s seat to creating the change you really desire.
Our DIY program, The Soulmate Shortcut™, guides you to discovering Your Love Imprint and gives you tools to begin the process of transforming it. You can learn more about how Your Love Imprint works and how to transform it through The Soulmate Shortcut by watching this video.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,