This week's question comes from Julie
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
Is there a book out that is excellent and affordable on how to get a man attracted and hooked on me emotionally, intellectually and create amazing chemistry?
The man who happens to be our child's father recently told me that he is meeting up with his ex for the week. I think I may have some blocks to love. I am now 44. When I met him I got engaged right away and then after being intimate one time got pregnant. I felt very sad thinking I may have made a mistake and I wasn't having lots of chemistry with him. I didn't like that when he smiled you see mostly gums instead of teeth. Plus he doesn't like to repeat himself or explain things to me. It is too much effort. I noticed this now after 3 years of living with him without any sex/ Living together feeling trapped. No one wanted to separate themselves from our baby. I stay home with him.
He now tells me that he wants to help his ex out and he is looking forward to her visit. He doesn't want to marry me…I jokingly asked him when I was now all of sudden worried about him meeting up with his ex. I just asked him to see if we can now try to see if we can date again. He says he changed his mind on marriage and sex. Never wants to marry and sex is animalistic so he isn't interested when I finally hit on him after three years. For some reason I don't believe he is telling me the truth. I notice what a hard worker he is. I am noticing that he is very smart and capable in many areas and he is good shape for 44.
Did I make a three-year mistake? He doesn't want to try again but I do. Since we are still living together. How can I create chemistry with him again after acting like a sad dead fish all these years? If he wants her to live with us, I think that is too much to ask.
Do I have a habit of wanting what I think I may lose or could there be something there? How can I figure it all out? Is love a choice? Do you love and then feelings follow or should feeling just be there? What do you do when they are gone? Due to my sadness I never was able to give us a second chance.
Thank you if you can reply to me.”
Thanks for writing and we have a great suggestion for how to get a man attracted and hooked on your emotionally, intellectually and create chemistry: STOP IT!
Stop trying to “hook” anyone to do anything and stop looking for this kind of solution to your relationship issues.
If you want to hook a man into being crazy about you, start by being crazy about yourself! When you are happy and excited about your life, men will be attracted to you.
Now with this specific situation, you already have the answer you want. You are only feeling interest in this guy because he is spending time with his ex. He only now appears attractive to you because you fear someone else may want him. We guarantee that if you somehow “hook” him and he becomes attracted to you then you will quickly lose interest and be miserable with him again.
We know this sounds harsh but we mean it with all the love and compassion we have for you and your situation. Our intention is to help you.
We suggest you move out as soon as you can. If you are dependent on him financially, then make an arrangement with him to help you until you can take care of yourself and your child. At the very least, insist that he pay child support.
Neither of you are doing any favors to this child by raising him in an environment where there isn’t love. You are passing your dysfunction on to your son and he will struggle to be happy in love as well. When we make loving decisions for ourselves, we teach our children that it is okay for them to do the same. In this way, our children can grow up healthy and happy and teach their children how to do the same.
It is up to you to decide whether or not this is a three-year mistake. If you choose to use this situation as a learning experience, then it could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Looking back over our lives, we are more grateful for our mistakes than we are for our successes. Without those mistakes we wouldn’t have made the changes necessary to create the relationship we have now.
Decide that you are worthy of having amazing chemistry with a man who loves and cherishes you. Decide that you will do whatever it takes to have that in your life. Decide and then take actions that allow you to create it. You will stumble along the way. It may not be easy. In the end, it will be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.
Believe what this man is telling you – He is not interested in having sex with you. Otherwise you would be having sex. This is not personal and it is not about you being unattractive. The two of you only came together because there was a baby involved. This is admirable but it is not working for any of you (including your child).
We recommend you check out The Soulmate Shortcut™ so that you can get clear on how Your Love Imprint™ is affecting your choices in this situation. You’ll get some deep insights into the part you are playing in this dynamic.
Wanting to save this dead relationship is a fear reaction. Choose love and transform your life.
Please let us know how things go for you.
Love and Abundance,