This week's question comes from Yala:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
Thank you for answering questions, I really think you give the best dating advice. I am an attractive 33 year old woman and I have never had a serious relationship before; just meaningless or meaningful only for me sex. I am looking for a partner that I am sexually attracted to, its not like it has to be Mr. Universe but I DO HAVE TO FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE not in a butterflies way but generally handsome and suitable.
Here is the catch, I was looking at my history and it seems that every guy that I am attracted to barely looks at me or barely even notices me, while all the ugly ones seem pursue me.
I really don't want to start a relationship with a man I don't find attractive that would be way too painful for me and I do believe I deserve better. So I was reading a previous question where you were saying that when that happens it's a reflection and it might mean there is something about me, I don't accept. I think that makes some sense. So how can I know what that is? PLEASE HELP ME! I WANT LOVE!
This is a great question. How do we know what our blind spots are? The first step is to ask yourself this question, “What are you saying to yourself about yourself?”
What we mean by this is paying attention to your inner dialog. Do you say mean things to yourself and call yourself ugly or stupid? Do you have a critical voice that drives you to work harder, be better, and feel like you're never going to be good enough? Are you striving for unattainable perfection and beat yourself when you fall short of this unrealistic goal?
How do you react when you don't get what you want? Does your inner voice show up and tell you that you don't deserve it? Or it never works out for you? Specifically, notice what your inner voice tells you when you are around a man that you find attractive. Does it say to you that he will never notice you? Whatever your inner dialog is, can you find the root? Where does this story come from?
Looking at your story around love and intimacy is the next step. Is this a reflection of something your father or mother said to you? Did your father ignore you when you were a little girl? We learn how to receive love from our parents and then we re-enact those stories in our intimate relationships.
Another thing to become aware of is your behavior at the beginning of a relationship. Your behavior could be giving off the impression that you are not available for a relationship. It could also be telling men that you are not relationship material. A man should have to do a little work to be with you. If you make it too easy for him he won't stick around.
What we are suggesting is that you become a detective about your relationship with yourself. Observe your behavior without judgment. Remember that you learned your behavior for a good reason. You were trying to get love, approval, acceptance, etc. It seems like your behavior is not getting you what you desire, which is a relationship with a man you are attracted to. Observing your past and current behavior will give you some great clues about any underlying beliefs that may be sabotaging those potential relationships.
Finally, you must begin to treat yourself as you wish to be treated in relationship. Don't settle for anything less than what you truly deserve. Maybe that means no sex until there is exclusivity. Maybe it means drawing a clear boundary about what is and what is not acceptable behavior for you. Be clear on what you desire and don't settle for anything less.
Most people are unconscious when it comes to relationships. They just do what they do without much thought as to why they are that way, or what is actually moving them toward their goal or not.
Our DIY – Do It Yourself – program The Soulmate Shortcut™ walks you through the process of discovering and transforming your negative love strategies through the same step-by-step processes we facilitate with our private clients.
The Soulmate Shortcut™ includes an ebook, MP3 audio, and workbook and is delivered online as a digital download, so you don’t have to wait for anything to be shipped to get started.
We are here to be your guides to love!
Love and Abundance,