This week’s question comes from Jame:
“Dear Orna and Matthew,
I am a weekly reader of your Love Notes and have found much value in your advice. I have a learned a lot.
It doesn’t appear to me that you’ve actually answered Nora’s question (How To Date For Your Soulmate). Nora may be doing all that you outlined in your response and yet her dates aren’t pursuing her for further dates. I find this is common for many women in her situation.
What is your advice when we’re doing all that you included in your response, yet the men we’re interested in seem to lose interest and stop the pursuit? Looking forward to your advice.”
Thanks for your question and for clarifying what you would like our assistance with. One of the first steps to creating change is to identify the pattern you are stuck in. It’s good that you know what your negative pattern is, now let’s see if we can give you some tools to shift it.
Ultimately men are relatively easy to understand if you pay attention to their behavior instead of what they say. Men show you what they want and what is important to them by what they do.
If a man is giving you mixed signals, then he is feeling conflicted or ambivalent about what he wants. If a man is pursuing strongly at the beginning and then seems to lose interest and stops pursuing, then he isn’t really serious about wanting a relationship.
For the most part men are obvious with their intentions, if a man is interested in a relationship with you, he will pursue you for a relationship. If a man isn’t pursuing you for a relationship there is nothing you can do to manipulate his behavior. He is who he is, and he has deselected you.
You wrote in your question that “the men we’re interested in seem to lose interest and stop the pursuit.” What about the men you aren’t interested in? Do they pursue?
This implies that you are attracted to men who aren’t interested in a relationship with you.
If you are continually attracted to men that deselect you and are not interested in the guys in hot pursuit of you that is a subconscious block to love that is highlighting ONLY two kinds of men in the world.
We would guess that you’re really only dating guys that you have a high level of attraction toward. This will limit your dating experiences and give you a skewed view of the kind of men who are out in the world.
When you allow yourself the opportunity to fully engage in Dating To Discover (as outlined in our previous blog post) you will experience what it is like to date a guy who really wants a relationship with YOU!
Once you know how that guy behaves because he’s attentive, kind, and pursuing you, you will never settle for the guy who is casually dating for some companionship and hoping for some physical intimacy too.
After you’ve given our dating strategies a go, and you still find yourself only attracted to the guys who fall by the wayside that will inform you that you’re stuck wanting what you can’t have.
You’re only stuck due to how your subconscious mind experienced love in your family of origin. Perhaps you had a critical parent (or two) that you could never please. Or maybe you had an emotionally absent father. Or another possibility could be that you felt invisible in your family of origin because a sibling needed, or simply received, all the love and attention.
As a child we have to reconcile the difference between the love we desire from our parents and the love we actually receive. This childhood wound becomes the blueprint of what is familiar to your subconscious and how it identifies “love.”
We are attracted to what is FAMILIAR! This ensures the survival of the species.
Our subconscious mind is responsible for keeping us alive. It is part of the system that controls our heart rate, our blood pressure, and our body temperature, among other things. If any of these systems are outside of a very narrow range, then we will die.
This is how our subconscious also functions when it comes to our behavior. What is known is safe. What is unknown is unsafe.
The reality is that this part of us is programmed to keep us alive, however it cannot judge. (The ability to judge is only in our big prefrontal cortex – our conscious mind.) Therefore, your subconscious does not know if you are alive and miserable or alive and blissfully happy.
Your subconscious is only concerned with keeping you alive and it functions by bringing you the same circumstances again and again and again. It leverages the Law Of Association and assumes that by bringing you more of the same experiences, it will continue to keep you alive.
Ultimately the issue is that what is familiar and what you desire are not in alignment, they are not in harmony – in fact they are at odds with one another.
We would guess that the men who do pursue you, the ones who think you are really amazing and would love to be in a relationship with you, are the men you don’t find attractive.
These men who would pursue you (if you gave them the opportunity) are not a match to what “love” is in your subconscious mind, so they are not appealing to you.
We call this system, Your Love Imprint®, and it is made up of your limiting beliefs, your emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies for giving and receiving love.
One of our clients grew up with a father who was emotionally explosive, often times without any warning. She never knew what would set him off. He was also dismissive of women and their opinions. Even though she was the oldest, her younger brothers would often get more credit for their accomplishments than she would.
She never felt safe with love and struggled to find lasting love in her adult life. She also found it difficult to express her feelings authentically. It was easier to adjust her behavior to try and please others.
Her journey to love was about finally feeling safe in the world to express her truth, no matter what anyone else thought.
Another client was raised by a critical mother who was also a therapist, so she would diagnose her daughter’s behavior. Her father was her hero but he was also an alcoholic and somewhat distant. This client grew up to be an anxious adult who was afraid to get emotionally close to men.
She chose men who weren’t available or who didn’t value her. These men reflected back to her a combination of her critical mother and her distant father.
Her journey to love was about taming her inner critic and discovering what it felt like to be cared for (and not just desired) by a man.
A third client grew up never knowing if her father was going to be around. He suffered from a heart condition and his doctor’s were constantly predicting that he wouldn’t survive the next 3 months. As it turned out, he lived through her childhood and passed when she was a young adult.
Her mother raised her to be humble and not make waves. It wasn’t proper for her to celebrate her wins or successes because for her mother thought it would make others feel badly.
As an adult she first married a man who always put the focus on himself and didn’t support her. Then, after her divorce, she found herself engaged to a very similar man who actively discouraged her and her career ambitions.
Her journey to love was about stepping out of the shadows and shining her light, and ultimately finding a man who would support her in attaining her dreams and goals.
All three of these women were acting out a behavioral strategy that came from their individual wounding about love that they learned in childhood.
Most people mistakenly believe that their experiences shape their beliefs. The opposite is true – your beliefs shape your experiences. The world is as we believe it to be.
Tracking your relationship history will uncover a pattern that you can trace back to your family of origin allowing you to see all the pieces of the puzzle.
This system existed long before you started dating and the reality is that this part of you is doing the job its is intended to do. It’s like plugging an incorrect address into your GPS. You could end up next door to your intended destination, or thousands of miles away. Either way you’re not getting what you want!
There is no magic formula to get a guy that you find attractive to desire you, or to behave differently, because the answer to your question isn’t about using different dating strategies. The solution is transforming the concept of love to your subconscious mind so it will bring you toward what you desire.
The journey for you involves discovering why you are attracted to unavailable men and focusing on healing that wound. From there your dating strategies will certainly bring you much better results.
We can assure you that there are more than two kinds of men – the ones you are attracted to who deselect you, and the ones who are attracted to you that you do not desire. Once this impasse is resolved inside of you new kinds of men will show up for you to date and experiment with so you can have a whole new kind of experience dating a variety of men.
If you would like more information about Your Love Imprint® and how it is driving your behavior in love, then watch our free webinar, “Why Love Is Easy For Some And Hard For Others.”
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,