“How Do I Get Him to Change?”
This week’s question comes from Suzanne
“Dear Orna and Matthew,
I am a faithful reader of all your information you send out and follow all your advice. I have read The Soulmate Shortcut™ several times. So here is my situation in a nutshell.
I am 51 years old divorced 8 years was married for 27. I have had a best male friend my whole life since we were 15 years old. We have been each other’s rock and constant through out life. Dated in high school, college, after college, right after our divorces, and are presently now. We have always had a strong bond and connection with each other like no one else in our lives. The connection is there physically, spiritually, and emotionally on all levels. Time stands still and always picks up where we left off. The energy is all around us. I know and have known for years he is the one. I am my true self and totally at peace when I am with him. He completes me and my heart is whole.
While we have this awesome loving relationship there is a major problem. He is a nice guy who helps people and he feels obligated to help his ex wife by letting her live with him and financially support her until she gets her feet on the ground. He has been divorced for 5 years and insists that there is no attraction and he is a father figure/brother to her and a bank account. Basically I see it as he is enabling her and she will stay with him as she is getting all she wants from him why would she leave. My patience is wearing thin and I feel like the other woman at times.
How can this be and isn’t this a toxic relationship he is having with her? I would think one would choose a rich healthy relationship that connects on all levels instead of a platonic one. What am I to do? I know what I want to do and my heart is aching for him and he needs to let her go and move on with me. How? I welcome any insight at all to help me understand as this is weighing heavy on my heart and I know in my gut we are suppose to be together. So confused and need guidance from you in any way possible.”
We are so happy to hear that you are following our advice and especially that you keep working through The Soulmate Shortcut™ to continue your growth. We believe that you find your Beloved on the path to your highest and best self and that program is a great place to start.
We want to begin by focusing all of your questions to the main point, which we see is this: How do I get this man to do what I want him to do so that we can be happy? We don’t want to be harsh, but that is the crux of you question. He is perfect…BUT…
We see this a lot. We had a question submitted recently in which a woman said her man was perfect, except he smoked marijuana every night. We’ve had other women say that their man was perfect, except he lived in another state, or he is married to someone else, or he wasn’t ready to commit due to past hurts, and on, and on, and on…
What we want you to understand is that the specific circumstances are not relevant to this common problem. If you require him to be a different person in order for your relationship to work, then it won’t work. Right now, you require him to be someone who wouldn’t help out his ex-wife by giving her a home until she gets back on her feet.
As you’ve been delving into The Soulmate Shortcut™, have you discovered what is in Your Love Imprint® that attracts you to men who are not fully available? Was this dynamic present in your previous marriage? Or maybe it is a different wound that is driving this situation for you. Look to yourself to see where in your life you struggle with the idea that something would be perfect, BUT…
Is this situation a deal breaker for you? If it is, then you are simply building up anger and resentment because you have not walked away.
When you know your deal breakers in relationship, it is easy to get clarity around a situation. A deal breaker does not have any work-arounds – if it is present, you are out of there!
We also suggest that you change the way you communicate with him about this situation. You expressed a lot of judgment of his choices and it is probably getting in the way of you being able to discuss this with him authentically. Tell him authentically how you feel about the situation and make a request for what you desire. It is best if you use primarily “I” language instead of “You” language.
Be clear on what you want and why it is important to you. Avoid sharing your opinions and judgements. This problem isn’t about him. It is about you and how you are investing so much hope, energy, and possibility into a situation that you don’t like.
If you want to take your exploration into your own patterns even further, we suggest that you sign up for a Your Love Imprint® Session with us where we can discover the exact nature of the wound that is blocking you from the love you want.
Since you’ve been through The Soulmate Shortcut™, getting on the phone with us would be the next step.
Love and Abundance,