This week's question comes from Angel
“Hi Orna & Matthew,
Really enjoying listening to the Love on Purpose Revolution. I would like your advice on something bugging me in my otherwise lovely relationship of one year and 7 months with my boyfriend.
Although he always tells me he loves me and does nice things for me and we spend weekends together and are very compatible. He never makes plans about a future together; he has some concerts and days out arranged for us, I have met his parents and grown up children and slowly introducing me to some of his friends – but we don't socialize with them, and there has been some opportunities to do so. His granddaughter recently turned one year old and he bought her a present and card, he asked me to help him wrap the present and it was fun. However, while he was in the shower I walked by the table to look at the pretty present and noticed the card was sealed already and checked the little card-tag on the present and it was just signed by him and he didn't include my name. It probably doesn't sound like such a big deal, but I can't help feeling that we are – or rather he views us as not serious even though he talks of love. Feels like just casual dating.
I know how tricky it is to have the ‘talk' with men about where the relationship is going, which is why from the start of our being intimate and him revealing there was no one else, I told him that after dating in general that my plan is to get re-married for the future, he said that he thinks living together with someone should be enough even though he's been married before – we're both divorced. I had a bit of a talk about how I felt about him leaving my name off the cards and he apologized. I also mentioned how I felt that it looked to me and possibly to his family that our relationship looks casual and him not viewing me as his proper girlfriend and that I don't want to remain just dating for years. He didn't respond. I was curious to see if he would start talking about any possibility of making our relationship more formal and committed or even suggest living together – no answer from him. I thought that spoke volumes. I kept calm and didn't pursue trying to explore what he plans to do as he seems very much in the present – so am I to an extent and really enjoy our time together, just don't want to spend another year dating like this and no plans of a committed relationship. I don't feel that I'm being impatient, but please correct me if I'm wrong. I would really value your feedback.
Do you know what you really want in a relationship? You say you don’t want to just be dating casually, that you want to be married again and we’ll take you at your word. However, your actions are not congruent with your desires.
You’ve found the “perfect man.” There is just one hitch. He doesn’t want what you want. His actions and his comments to you have told you very clearly what he wants. He doesn’t think marriage is important. He doesn’t include you with his family. You don’t socialize with his friends together. When you shared what you wanted and gave him an opportunity to step it up, he was silent.
A big mistake would be to make him wrong and bad because here he is, yet another man who is unwilling or unable to commit to a relationship. Yet the truth is, he doesn’t want to. He is getting what he wants so why should he do anything different.
Here we have two people who have come together because of attraction and compatibility and yet they have very different priorities and values. This is the definition of love by accident. We want to encourage you to start creating love on purpose.
You could try to convince him to commit further. You could try all kinds of things to get him to do what you want. We think that would be a big waste of time. Instead, we suggest you get clear on what it is that you really want. Write out your list of relationship drivers, the values that are important to you in relationship. Compare that list to how you are being in your current relationship. Are you living up to your values? If not, how can you step it up for yourself?
You’ve been seeing this man for over a year and half and it seems from what you’ve shared that you’ve been settling for what he’s willing to give you, rather than decide what you desire in the bigger picture is your priority.
People are who they are, they show us who they are, and too often we are “patient” and expect that things will magically change. If you truly want to give him one more opportunity to step it up, show him the list and let him know that is what you want and are going to create for yourself and he is welcome to join you on the journey.
Let him know that you’re not going to settle for less. If he is not on board then you can move on and not waste anymore time. Or you may find he is willing to make the changes necessary so you can co-create the kind of relationship that will be lasting and fulfilling for both of you. Or you may find that he doesn’t share your values. Either way, you’ll know what your next steps are.
If you want help in knowing what your relationship drivers and how to use them to bring in your Beloved, you can check out our Your Soulmate Blueprint™. This program will walk you through the whole process and guide you to transforming your negative emotions from past failures.
Keep us posted on your journey.
Love and Abundance,