This week’s question comes from Maggie
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
A couple of years ago I met a lovely man who I managed to turn into a similar version of all the other men I met, I am very much in my masculine, had a bad abusive relationship with my dad, tried my hardest to be the opposite of everything he wanted of me to defy him and turned into the perfect woman with totally male perspective, I raced motorbikes, did a physical man’s job, etc. everything, but I still attracted men, as I am attractive physically etc. But always ended up with the loser who couldn’t look after himself and ended up being nasty and critical to me, because I had basically emasculated him by being good at doing male jobs, and the attractive men I wanted were not interested.
I was also the oldest child and seemingly very good at keeping my own company, so my mother put me in a playpen on my own as a baby as my younger sisters are 1 and 3 years younger than me, I don’t think I am very well socialized, and I remember at school my drama teacher said I needed to have a good scream and let myself go.
I have a big hang up about talking about myself and find it really hard to keep up a conversation without panicking and go completely into my head to think of things to say so as not to be boring, and sometimes things I say are so closed I stop the flow of the conversation, this makes me panic more, then I don’t speak at all, I try not to say pedantic stuff but my mind is just blank when it comes to emotional stuff.
My walls are slowly coming down as I could not feel anything for a very long time.
This is stuff I noticed over the years but have never had the emotional intelligence to work it out and had needed help from people like you and Rori Raye and numerous others, there have been plenty of Aha moments, including John Gray.
I am divorced now and since the divorce, which I instigated when my children were old enough, I had slowly disappeared and my verbal relationship with my children was non-existent.
With the work I have been doing which I have used my children as a gauge, I am slowly learning to communicate emotionally and chat without ordering them about, but is difficult, as my mind as I say is a blank on what to talk about.
I have finally realized that I am the common denominator in my disastrous relationships with people, my fear of getting too close, of being trapped, etc.
But what I am asking is I am still hung up on the guy who finally made me realize there was a problem, he still seems to be interested in me, I have had first dates with other men, but the ones I like are not asking me for a second date.
I don’t know how to get a second date, with the guys I like.
And how can I stop being hung up on this other guy, who seems interested but never moves any nearer.
Thank you for your question and your kind words. There is a lot in your question, but we’ll get to the key points for you to start. The truth is that you are not going to change all of this all at once, and you don’t need to fix/change everything in order to get the love you want.
Let’s address the masculine/feminine question first as this seems to be the most common misconception that we see. Women can (and should) do whatever brings them joy, even if those careers, activities, and lifestyles are traditionally male. This does not mean that a woman cannot also be in her feminine in her relationships.
Somewhere along the line people began confusing feminine with passive and masculine with power. There is nothing passive about femininity – it is one of most powerful forces in the universe.
There is a native American tale in which a mother takes her son down to the river to teach him about the nature of power. She asks him to put his hand in the water and describe to her how it feels. He says, “Cold and wet.”
“Good,” she responds.
She then hands him a rock and asks, “How does this feel?”
“Hard,” he replies.
“Good,” she responds and puts his hand into the water and asks, “Now how does this feel?”
“Soft,” he replies.
They walk further down the river to a bend where the water has worn a huge hole through a giant boulder and the mother says to her son, “Soft always wins.”
Feminine energy is soft and receptive and it wins every time. When you get in touch with the power of your feminine energy you will be able to attract a strong, masculine male who does not feel like you are competing with him.
You, as a woman, have every right to compete with all the men you want. However, as you have discovered, two masculine energies in relationship will create competition and destroy intimacy. Often times the man in the relationship is left feeling useless.
You shared that your walls are starting to come down. The key for you is to look at the beliefs that you are not safe in relationship. Your parents left you alone in your crib, which most likely has led you to believe that you can’t trust other people to take care of you.
Healing this story is where to focus your energy. A man who cares about you will want to take care of you, but if you don’t let him then he will lose interest. It is how he values himself in relationship. A man who doesn’t feel he is valuable to you will either leave or end up feeling emasculated.
How you let your man know you value him can appear however you want it to. You can fix the car and the house, while the he cooks and raises the kids. If you let him know how much you appreciate what he does for you and let him do it, then he will be in his masculine. If you allow yourself to receive whatever he brings to you, without reciprocating, and show him your appreciation; you will be in your feminine.
Start getting in touch with your feelings. You may not have the words at first, but you can begin to notice physical sensation. Several times a day, pause and finish this statement in your own mind, or out-loud: “I feel ___________________.”
Be sure to use feeling language. Watch the desire to hedge your bets by saying, “I think I feel…”
As you get in touch with your emotions, you can begin to make requests based on how you are feeling. Knowing what you need and being able to ask for it will have you in your feminine energy as well.
If you are ready to look deep into what is keeping you stuck and put words to Your Love Imprint® you can submit an application for a Your Love Imprint® Session with us so we can get right to the heart of the matter.
Love and Abundance,