This week’s question comes from Joan:
“Dear Orna and Matthew,
I love your newsletter and read it regularly! You guys rock! I really hope you can help me out.
I’ve been dating a guy for a while and I’m not sure how to know if I should commit more deeply to him or not. He’s been in my circle of friends for a few years and reached out to me for a date.
I was flattered and know him to be a good guy so I said yes. He clearly likes me and I know he has good intentions so I want to give him a chance and it’s clear he wants to move things forward with me, and I’m not so sure…
There are a couple of issues that have me confused. First off, he is not my usual physical type and while he is sweet, I’m not sure if physically he’s a match for me. Secondly, he is very serious and it’s like he’s decided I’m the one for him even though we’ve only been around each other in a group (besides a handful of dates) so I don’t feel like he really knows me.
I am wondering if he just picked me to settle down with because he’s ready to settle down – not because he picked me for me being who I am.
Please help! I don’t know what to do.
We understand it can be difficult to know if someone is right for you or not. Many people look good on paper but ultimately may not be right for you in the long run. The most important thing for you to know is that the answer is not in your big, beautiful brain. There is no magical formula that makes this a math equation in your head with a “right” or “wrong” answer.
Have you asked yourself these questions:
“What’s the rush?”
“Do you need to know right now if he is your guy or not?”
“Have you been authentic with him about how you feel about him and/or about the issues that concern you?”
The best advice we can give you is to continue to date, not just him, but other men as well. Too many women rush into a commitment with the first man they are attracted to, or if he fits some random criteria for what they are looking for, before they get a sense of who the man really is.
As you continue to date, you’ll be able to compare your experience with a wide range of men – some you will be attracted to and some you will not be. This comparison will give you more clarity about yourself and what you really want.
Love is a choice. It is not something that magically continues over decades, or that you stumble into. In order to make a good choice, it is important to know what you need, what you want, and the difference between the two.
While you are dating make a point to communicate your wants and needs. Be sure to show up authentically and share how you feel. Let him know how he can win with you and see if he is willing or able to do those things that leave you feeling cared for.
Your soulmate will not come with mind reading powers, so be sure to communicate what is important to you with him.
Dating in this way will give you information about who he really is, and what he is capable of. Pay more attention to his actions than what he says. How he behaves will tell you everything about what is important to him.
Use this information to decide if he is someone you are willing to make a commitment with. If you are willing to accept him as is, no changes necessary, then you have discovered a good match for you.
Finally, lets address the attraction issue. We believe that the spark of attraction is a requirement for a relationship (but not for a date). Chemistry and attraction, while important, are not the most important reasons to commit to a man. They are necessary for soul-satisfying, long-lasting love – think of them as a check box and that box must be checked to move into a long-term relationship.
That spark of attraction in the Romance Stage is the promise that will carry two people through the challenges that life will inevitably bring.
You are clearly still discovering about him, so allow yourself to not know and be in the process of dating. Continue to date others and most importantly don’t settle! If you find that the chemistry is not there, end it with him so he can find someone who is crazy about him. Every person deserves that, plus one cannot settle for a lifetime.
If you want to get clear on what drives you in relationship and how to identify an ideal match check out our digital program, Your Soulmate Blueprint™.
It’s a DIY program that will help you discover the “you are here” spot on your relationship map. From this perspective it is easier to decide where you are going and what you want to create.
Your Soulmate Blueprint™ shows you where you are on your relationship journey and guides your to discover what your heart truly desires. You can discover more about the program here: www.YourSoulmateBlueprint.com
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,