This week's question comes from Zoe:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I am a bit puzzled about the dating process. I have just started dating again, after an 18-year relationship. The person I dated twice is a very kind gentleman who likes me very much. I also like him and enjoy his company, although I am reluctant to date any further, as I feel I need to have more dating experiences with other people, given that I am new to the dating world. He has asked me about my likes, dislikes and to see if we are compatible with regards to various activities and I found that in general, I was. I feel that my other hesitation has to do with physical attributes and when he started to grab at his mid-section, to describe being out of shape, I wondered to myself if this may be a turn off for me if I was to see him naked and not be attracted to him. I realize this sounds shallow, but I would not want to reach this stage and then have to cut things off and be hurtful in any way. I have also registered with a matchmaking service recently, as a way to have prospective dates screened and also to be screened. There are no guarantees, but I want to explore this alternate approach.
I do appreciate your viewpoints and respect your advice because out of everything that I read I really think you give the best dating advice.”
Thank you for reaching out. You are correct that there are no guarantees – giving your heart to someone always has a risk involved. We say that Hope is the first thing that comes into a relationship and it is the last thing to leave.
It seems that part of the problem is that people who follow Love By Accident are dating backwards… meaning that go on a date with a lot of hope and see the person through rose-colored glasses and then once they settle into a relationship with that person, take the rose-colored glasses off and are disillusioned when they see who they are in relationship with.
It seems like you are asking us if you should commit to this man you’ve only been out with twice because you believe that the two of you are compatible. We’re a bit confused as to why you would be making this decision with someone you barely know. Why don’t you take the time to get to know him better and even date some other men before you worry about making a commitment?
We suggest that you date a few men in rotation and see them for who they really are – not who you would like for them to be. Date without rose-colored glasses, be reluctant to give the benefit of the doubt to a stranger, do not be fooled by chemistry, and show up as your authentic self.
Once you are in a committed relationship, then pull out the rose-colored glasses and see the partner you’ve chosen as the best version of himself and give him the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.
Having similar likes and dislikes when it comes to food, music, or movies; even similar hobbies is not the key to creating longevity in relationship. Identifying an ideal match is not all about compatibility – that is only one small part; just as chemistry and attraction is only one slice of the pie.
The best way to identify an ideal match through the dating process is to be clear on your Relationship Values. Values are not something that you can ask a person about, these are the things that you discover about a person over time.
A person lets you know what they value based on where they spend their resources, their time, money, and energy.
When you select a partner based on matching Relationship Values then you’ll have longevity because together you will find your way through the challenges that life will inevitably throw your way.
If you would like to be clear on your set of Relationship Values or what we call your Relationship Drivers you can gain clarity through our digital program Your Soulmate Blueprint™.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,