This week’s question comes from Cami:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
My question is how do you learn to trust again? My heart has been closed to trusting others because I’ve been through so much pain. I’ve shut down and I know I don’t want to be this way, but I find it so difficult to open up and trust. It always feels unsafe. How do I get over the fear of getting hurt if I have no support system to hold my hand while I heal myself?”
We feel for you. It can be difficult to open yourself up again after experiencing a lot of painful situations. We understand the desire to shut down.
The place to start is with your own healing. It would be too difficult to put the responsibility of your safety into someone else’s hands. That would be inviting more pain and heartache.
No other person is going to be able to do the work for you.
The first step is to allow yourself to feel your feelings – whatever they may be.
Your feelings are legitimate. When you accept your feelings and allow them to be present without judgment, you create space for those emotions to shift and change.
Emotions are not static. Emotions are energy, and energy needs to be allowed to flow. When you resist or attempt to suppress your emotions, then you are stuffing the flow of that emotion and it has nowhere to go – you end up stuck.
The next step (after you’ve allowed yourself to feel whatever is there) is to discover what lies underneath your feelings.
This is the time to put on your Detective Hat and see what is really going on. It is imperative that you do not judge what you discover.
Ultimately this is the process of discovering your mental/emotional patterns to see if you can discover where they originated. Look if there is a similar dynamic in your past relationships.
Ask yourself these questions:
Are you attracted to unavailable men?
Are the men you date similar in temperament?
Did this fear exist before you started dating or did it arise out of the negative experiences you had from dating, or from before?
Do you put your trust in people before they’ve proven themselves trustworthy?
Are there other places in your life besides your intimate relationships where a similar fear exists?
These types of questions will get you to look at what your emotional story is around love and intimacy.
We call it an emotional story not because we want to diminish its power or effect on you. We call it an emotional story so that you can begin to understand that you’ve created the narrative and the meaning around the events in your life. Because you created the assigned the meaning to those events, you also have the ability to change the story.
Changing the story requires that you take responsibility for the creation of the story.
We’ve all had negative experiences in our lives and we’ve given those experiences meaning. The meaning that you give your experiences can leave you feeling like a victim or it can empower you to make changes.
How can you see your past experiences in a way that leaves you feeling powerful and in control of your life and your own emotional safety?
One of the most powerful emotional stories that we all struggle with is the one from our family of origin. When we are small children we rely on our family to keep us safe and to feel loved. Not all of our parents are very good at doing that.
Most of us were not loved how we wanted to be loved by the people who raised us. You are most certainly not alone if that is the case.
As that child we take on limiting beliefs, mental and emotional patterns, and behavioral strategies so that we can feel loved and safe. This system becomes your default system for intimate relationship as an adult.
We call this system Your Love Imprint® and it is the program running in your subconscious. When feeling unsafe in your relationships is part of Your Love Imprint, then it can be a struggle to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Understanding the system of Your Love Imprint is a big step in changing this pattern.
If you are ready to discover how Your Love Imprint is triggering you to feel unsafe in your relationships and to learn how to finally feel safe and loved then join us for a Your Love Imprint Session.
You are no longer a small child, so it’s time to put the fears of your younger self aside to allow the adult you the chance to select a good match to finally create soul-satisfying, long-lasting love!
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,