This week's question comes from V:
“Hi Orna & Matthew!
I'm pretty new to Love On Purpose but I really appreciate your Love Notes Weekly!
I've been divorced over 2 years and have been dating the same guy for about 7 months; someone who is spiritual and completely different than my ex. (He's truly a good man. I do realize not all men will up and leave in a relationship.) I rode my roller coaster ride of emotions after my ex left and thought I was doing really well and moving on with my life and started dating again. Recently I found out that I have abandonment issues, which in turn caused me to also have jealousy issues. My ex-husband up and left me without any warning or any talking about anything after being together for 13 years. He did have an affair with a younger woman. My whole life and future as I knew it was ripped right out from underneath me without me having any say or control. I have, I think, for the most part forgiven my ex; you can't make someone stay or don't want them to stay in a relationship that they don't want to be in. I am now angry again at him for now having to deal with abandonment & jealousy issues almost 3 years later when I really believe when it was just me, I was doing good and enjoying life again.
The incident was a night out of drinking and then me watching him watch other people in a very crowded bar and then of course, my opinions and judgments of the situation got the best of me and I assumed he was looking for someone younger to then leave me. I totally overreacted and actually was way out of line and truly was an “ass” and had to admit it out loud to myself and to my boyfriend. It was pretty degrading. It has made me realize how much I have to lose in this relationship if I don't get my shit together.
I'm looking for the tools/direction that I need to deal with my abandonment and jealousy issues. I'm interested in finding a partner in life again and really want to address these issues head on so that it hopefully doesn't pop again, in this or another relationship. I know I have forgiven my ex but maybe there's some forgiving of myself yet for maybe not recognizing some things maybe I should have. I really need to know how to address these issues head on. I realize it's not an overnight fix but I am not and do not want to be the person I was that night!! I do not like feeling insecure and I am motivated to make the changes but do not know the steps to take.
We’re so glad you’re enjoying Love Notes Weekly! Being new to Love On Purpose, you must first understand “love by accident.”
Accidental love is by its nature dysfunctional love because your choices in love are being made by your childhood wound. We call this wound Your Love Imprint®.
Your Love Imprint® is a system running in your subconscious which includes limiting beliefs, mental/emotional patterns, and behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love. This system is put in place when we are very young.
It is easy to think that you have abandonment issues because of the actions of your ex-husband. We would argue that the abandonment issues came first, and are the reason you were attracted to your ex and chose to marry him in the first place. The limiting belief came first and was in place long before you met him.
You state that you’ve forgiven your ex, which is very important for your journey to heal. It seems that you have the expectation that forgiving him would somehow remove your fear of abandonment, however, since this belief system has nothing to do with your ex, you are still experiencing the fear (and the jealousy).
We suggest that you forgive yourself for your reaction with your current boyfriend. We have a saying: “It is not hysterical; it’s historical.” This explains why your reaction was so strong. All of us behave like an “ass” at times in our lives; we all make mistakes. Take responsibility for your behavior. Ask for forgiveness, and then forgive yourself. You are only human and allowed to make mistakes.
You say you are ready now to do the inner work on yourself so you can release this fear and step into a whole new level of relationship. Brava! We can only change when we have the desire to change.
Now, your work is to uncover the block in Your Love Imprint®. We have a DIY program that walks you through the steps to identify and remove the blocks called The Soulmate Shortcut.
This is an ebook/audio along with a workbook so you can uncover the seed for this limiting belief.
We’ll be honest, this deep dive is not for everyone. The Soulmate Shortcut will require that you be like a detective and piece together clues so you can get clear on what has been in your way. There are many assignments to shift the blocks included in the program, but just reading about them won’t create the change you are asking for… only DOING them will.
The great news is that you have the awareness of this fear and you have the desire to change!
We are here to be your guides to love!