This week's question comes from Audrey:
Hello Orna and Matthew,
Thank you very much for the video. I love watching the two of you interact. It's truly a pleasure to see and to know that this kind of relationship can be found out there because that's very much what I want.
I’d like your feedback on this because I feel like I’m losing my mind and there are days it's quite upsetting. I have gone on multiple dates (from online sites such as plentyoffish, okcupid, and Tinder), with different guys (4 first dates off POF, 1 of which lead to a 2 week relationship before I quickly broke it off. 5-6 first dates off okcupid with 2 second dates before I decided that we were not clicking, and 5 first dates and 2 second dates from Tinder before I decided that they were simply not what I was looking for) and no matter what, there's always something lacking.
Either they are not as attractive as I would like them to be (I feel like I can do better), they can't keep up with me (I have to be the one making the plans, I am smarter than they are in all aspects even when I seriously “dumb” myself down meaning I brain throttle myself not to blow them away within the first couple meetings, etc.,), or they fall in love with me by the end of the second date (which I absolutely dislike because I am far from perfect.).
Every time that I meet up with a guy, the first thought that pops into my head is that I can do better and it is frustrating. And I am not saying that he needs to look like a Super Model, but there is this life in people that makes them hot in my eyes which I find a lot of men are lacking. It's like my light is the size of the sun and theirs is the size of a candle. (Hopefully, the analogy makes sense.)
Any feedback or suggestions that you might have for me? Did you ever experience anything like that before you met your man?
Looking forward to your feedback. I could really use the insight of someone who has not settled in life. I have stopped talking to my friends about this because they are content to be with the first guy that comes along and that won't work for me.
Thanks for reaching out to us and we appreciate your feedback on our video. We want you to know that what you desire is entirely possible for you; you are simply looking in the wrong places.
You may think that we mean you should change online dating sites, but that is not the problem. The solution to your problem lies inside of you. In your question you have identified certain beliefs that are in your way to finding the kind of love you desire. Let’s take a look at what may be going on.
You made several statements about the men you’ve been meeting and what they are lacking. These statements are a clue to us that you have some subconscious beliefs about yourself and what is available to you. Discovering these subconscious beliefs is the key to unlocking the love you want.
You indicated that the men you’ve been meeting don’t measure up in some way. They are not attractive enough, they are not smart enough, they are too attracted to you, etc. We want you to check in and see how it feels when you are faced with these situations. What negative emotions do you experience? Have you felt this way before?
Beginning to examine your story about love and what it feels like when people don’t measure up to your expectations can give you some insights into what is really going on.
The kind of men that you are attracting (online and offline) will only shift and change when you make an internal shift. Right now the judgment you carry is on the men that are showing up. We suggest you take an honest inventory of yourself and release the judgment – it’s not serving you and in the way to allow in what you really want.
There’s a saying, “The judger always feels judged.” Where in your life do you feel judged? Did you have parents that were critical of you when you were a child?
As you mentioned a few online dating sites, we’re curious what type of screening process have you set up for yourself to go from online communication to an offline first meet?
We would have you call these “Audrey’s Online Dating Rules” and you get to create them! There is a balance between staying online too long, or rushing too quickly to meet offline. Finding the right balance that works for you will take a bit of time, and once you figure out what works you stick to it without exception.
We are very curious about your skepticism about a man who is willing to choose you after a second date. Certainly, if a man is professing love on date #2, there is probably something off, however, if a man is seriously interested in you after date #2 in what world is that a bad thing? You’re not perfect, as you state above, however, you are in fact in our humble opinion worthy of love.
There is nothing you need do to earn love, to prove your value or worth – simply because you are alive today – You are worth LOVING!
You’ll notice that we didn't write, “Well Audrey, you are certainly worth being taken out for a cup of coffee.” Nope. YOU ARE WORTH LOVING!
What we find fascinating is, in our experience, the person who is quick to judge and disapprove of others for superficial reasons, is the one who feels empty inside. They are rejecting others before those others have the opportunity to reject them.
We have a hunch that is exactly what is going on here. So if you truly want a great love relationship Audrey, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get serious about creating love for yourself.
Look at your inner dialog with yourself; are you kind and compassionate with yourself? What is that inner dialog like when you make a mistake? (You’re not perfect, so we know these errors must occur with some regularity, right?)
Start by nurturing a healthy compassion for yourself and you’ll find that you become more compassionate with others. Once you’ve released that old story of judgment, you’ll find an entirely different kind of man showing up for you – one who is worthy of you and your love.
If you want to get clearer on your patterns in love and how to break them, we suggest you check out our DIY program The Soulmate Shortcut™. The Soulmate Shortcut guides you through the process of making the internal shift so that you can know without a doubt that you are worth loving!
To learn more about The Soulmate Shortcut™ and how to transform Your Love Imprint®, watch this video.
We would truly be honored to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,