This week’s question comes from Carol:
“Dear Orna and Matthew,
I hope you can help me. I’m stuck in fear and don’t know what to do.
I’m in a relationship where we use each other. He uses me as a part time companion whom he’ll never marry (he’s never been married and never will). I use him because we have a wonderful physical life together and we go out to places and events I enjoy. We do care a great deal for each other though I know I care more for him than he does me.
I have been single and dating in Los Angeles for at least 12 years now. I’ve met some very nice men where there is just friendship but no physical attraction. I’ve done the dance scene, the singles parties, and speed dating. I’m an older very attractive woman who looks and has the energy of a person much younger.
My friend lies to me. I know it. I’ve walked away in the past. I end up coming back because of that very easy and comfortable relationship we have together. And because I know loneliness and what it’s like to go places all by myself.
My self-esteem isn’t the best right now…duh. And of course this makes it worse. I’m beat down and afraid of shriveling up. Being alone isn’t the way I want to end my life. He serves a purpose but I will never get what I want from him. The fear is it’s either him or no one.
I’m just stuck and allowing myself to settle for much less. Yet I haven’t seen much better on the horizon in 12 years. Stuck in fear.”
Thanks for reaching out to us and for sharing so openly your current situation. Being stuck in a fear storm can make it appear that you don’t have any options. We’re here to let you know that you can find your way out of this situation.
It is clear that your friend is not a long-term solution for you. He’s made it clear to you in both his words and his actions. You’re staying in order to avoid feeling lonely and alone. The fear of being alone combined with the ease of the relationship (neither of you demands too much from the other) has you in what we call a double bind.
What we mean by a double bind is that part of you wants the companionship that you receive from your friend, and another part of you wants to actually have soul-satisfying lasting love. These two parts are at odds with each other and are keeping you from moving forward – so you are stuck.
You are stuck between the proverbial “rock and a hard place.”
The key to unlocking this system is in addressing the fear you feel about your future. The fear appears to be keeping you stuck, but it is actually pointing you towards a solution.
Emotional fear is a force field. This force field surrounds the path to your future ideal self. If you want to grow you must step towards that fear, not away from it.
Ultimately this fear is a paper tiger. It won’t kill you. In fact, it won’t even do any physical harm to you. You won’t bleed. You won’t need to go to the hospital or call an ambulance.
However, until you face this fear and step towards it, you will continue to keep the status quo. Comfort is overrated. If your comfort leaves you feeling miserable, then it is definitely overrated.
You can’t yet see what is possible for you until you take action and end this current situation. Ultimately, you won’t be able to see what is possible until you take the action first.
Stepping towards your fear takes guts and commitment. That commitment is to yourself. Take an action that says, “I count and I matter. My needs and desires are worth fighting for.” When you take this action and step toward what you you’re your energy will free up – you will no longer be stuck and everything will change for you.
We can’t give you the courage to take this step. It is something you have to do on your own. Certainly, we can give you some guidance about why you’ve created this situation in your life and why it is so difficult for you to make a healthier choice.
You don’t need a great love relationship to survive, but you cannot thrive by staying in the situation you are in.
When you join us for a Your Love Imprint® Session, we dive deep into the system that is keeping you from creating the love you want.
Your Love Imprint® is the system put in place when you were a little girl to feel loved and safe in your family of origin. It is made up of your limiting beliefs, mental/emotional patterns, and behavioral strategies around giving and receiving love.
During this session we will diagnose exactly why you’ve been stuck, and unable to create the love you want, and we’ll also share with you specific next steps in order to take action creating your Beloved relationship.
We know that if you put in the effort to create love consciously instead of accidentally, you will discover that of course the love you desire is available to you.
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,